The Pain of Loving Her

Chapter 14

Its been a little over a month since Clarke and I started dating. We haven't directly came out in public but we don't try to hide it much. Except for the kissing part, at least at school. I think Clarke is a little upset that I refuse to kiss her in school. She would never say anything about it to me though. I have never been one to draw attention to myself. Clarke respects that but she would like to show me off a bit more. Today is Halloween and Clarke is taking me to a party. I've never been to a typical high school party so I have no idea what to expect. I'm sure there is going to be alcohol there but I don't plan on drinking. Someone has to be sober enough to get us back to Clarke's house. Legally I am not allowed to drive Clarke around since I just recently got my license but I would rather break the law than have us wreck. The party doesn't start until nine so I am passing out candy to the neighborhood children. I'm dressed as a scarecrow right now, its only half way revealing. Clarke pulls up she dressed as a hot looking cowgirl. I don't think there is anyway in hell I'm going to be able to let her out of my sight, to many people are going to be looking at her with lustful eyes.

"Hey baby," she says as she gets out of the car. She quickly covers her mouth and looks around expecting my parents to be home. I still haven't gotten around to talking to them. Luckily, they are not home and neither is my brother. There is nothing to worry about when I run up to her a kiss her pushing her up against the hood of her car. I pull away after a few seconds because there is a tap on Clarke's leg.

"Excuse me Clarke may I get some candy?" Its little Charlotte from next door. I babysit her after school now that golf is over. Clarke has been with me a few times, and Charlotte loves her. She always jokes about stealing Clarke from me.

"Hello to you to Charlotte," I joke as I pick her up and spin her around. She turns into a giggling mess.

"Happy Halloween girls," Charlotte's father, Marcus, waves and walks up the drive way. "Heading to a party I assume."

"Yes sir. I'm dragging this one to have some fun." Clarke kisses me on the cheek. Marcus the only adult that I have ever came out to. It wasn't really by choice. He came a little early one day to find Clarke and I on the couch. He was pretty cool with it. He even told me I could stay with him if things ever go south with my parents.

"Well don't do anything too crazy. If you need anything you can call me. Let's leave these two alone Charlotte." He grabs her hand and starts walking away.

"Wait I forgot my candy." Charlotte runs back up gets her candy. She also hugs me and then kisses Clarke on the cheek. She gives me her best attempt at an evil grin. If I can't even keep a six year old off of her how am I suppose to keep people at this party away? I push the thought a way and get into Clarke's car. Our hands imeditally intertwine. I try to hid my nerves as best as I can but honestly I freaking out. Social events scare the hell out of me. Escpecially because I think Clarke is going to want me to dance. Dancing is not one of my strong suits. In a few minutes we arrive at the location. I have no idea who's house this is nor anyone that is going to be here. This makes me even more anxious. Now I have to find people to talk to when Clarke is socializing. We walk up to the front porch hand in hand. Clarke doesn't even knock she just walks inside. There are groups of people everywhere.

"Relax baby" Clarke  whispers in my ear. She drags me from group to group.I begin recognizing people from our school. The majority are seniors and I'm sure very few know who I am. I am sitting talking to a boy named Jasper.Clarke went to get a drink. We are in a heated disscussion about who was going to win the beer pong match when a pair of lips is on mine and a body is staddling me. I can taste the alcohol on Clarke's lips. She begins rocking her hips into me. It is suddenly getting very hot.

"Come dance with me."She pulls away. I try to pull her back but she is already walking across the room. Damn her ass looks good. I get up and follow. My palms are rather sweaty and I am mentally debating how exactly I'm suppose to dance. I look around and see a few couples moving around. I guess I will just mimic them even though it doesn't look that appealing. Clarke motions for me to come closer. I move towards her and she takes my hand and places them on my hips. I kind of sway side to side to the music. Clarke begins to giggle.

"You have to let go Lex. Everyone is too drunk to notcie anyways," She is not wrong. This makes me feel a bit better. Clarke turns around and soon she is grinding on me. I stop thinking too much about everything else around me and just go with it. It's the most fun I have had in awhile. It's one in the morning when we finally get around to leaving. I drive us home. Abby had to work tonight so going to Clarke's house is the best option. Clarke is being handsy the whole drive home. At one point I think she was in my lap kissing my neck. We get to her house and it takes everything in me to convinve her to get inside.I get her up to her room. She shuts the door but I make the first move. Pushing her up against the door. I pick her up and lay her on the bed. She flips me over. I don't really know what I'm doing so I just go with it. She takes off her shirt to reveal the most beautiful body I have ever seen. She pulls me up takes my shirt off. I begin kissing down her chest reaching for the clasp of her bra. She shimmies out of it and pushes me back down. She trails kisses down my body.
***Self harm warning
As she moves lower I begin to panic. My mind begins flashing back to awful memories of a sleeping bag when I was little. I push the thoughts away but when she unbuttons my pants I push her off and run out of the room to the bathroom. I lock the door behind me and frantically search for a razor or something sharp. I thought I could get passed it but my mind is flooded with memories of when I was little. I find a razor and push hard down on my wrist. It is the only thing that can make the memories go away. I have to substitute the pain with another type of pain. Clarke is banging on the door.

"Lexa let me in. I'm sorry. I don't know what I did just let me in." I can hear the worry in her voice. She probably already knows what I'm doing. I just cry harder and push on my wrist again. The door knob rattles and the door opens. I can see a key in Clarke's hand. She drops it and knocks the razor out of my hand. She holds me and I break down. She applies pressure and toilet paper to my wrist stopping the bleeding. We sit there. I can sense Clarke pushing back tears. I speak first.

"I'm sorry Clarke. I thought I could do it but I can't" I turn around on the floor to face her. She holds both of my hands.

"Baby you not wanting to have sex is the least of my concern right now." Tears fill her eyes as she rubs her fingers over my wrist. "I'm sorry if it was something I did. I know I should have waited. I already told you I would take things at your pace I just got carried away."

"It wasn't anything you did. It's just that..." I can't figure out how to say what I want to say. It is hard to push the words out because I have never told anyone this.

"It's okay you don't have to explain right now. We can go to sleep and talk about in the morning. Let's go get you clean up." She helps me up and throws the razor away. We walk done to the kitchen and she puts band aids on the cuts. She kisses my forehead and leads me upstairs. We both change into more comfortable clothes. This time she wraps her arms around me, whispering "you're okay" and "I love you" over and over again until I fall asleep.

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Hey guys I wrote the majority of this on my phone so not sure what the format looks like but anyways the next chapter is going to be really sad. Sorry in advance. It will be up soon though since I have a lot of time during class! Thanks for reading. comments and suggestions are always welcome!!