The Pain of Loving Her

Chapter 29

Clarke is talking on the phone when I wake up. I don't move because it sounds important and don't want to interrupt it but then I hear her crying. I roll over slowly and notice she is sitting up looking out the window.

"Mom I'm so worried about her. Yesterday she acted perfectly fine when Costia's brother showed up. Why won't she talk to me? It's like she doesn't trust me and all I do is try to be there for her." I do trust her more than any other person. I bite my tongue though instead of interrupting her conversation. "I know she is going through a hard time and all but she doesn't have to go through it by herself. How do I help her? because I don't want her to go back to what she was doing before." Her conversation goes on for a few more minutes before she hangs up. She wipes the tears off her face before turning around. I quickly close my eyes pretending to be a sleep so she doesn't know I heard it. She climbs back in bed wrapping her arms around me. "What am I going to do with you?" She whispers in my ear.

I have to hold back an answer but I really want to hug her and kiss her because I know she is hurting. I have to think of a way to make it seem like I was just waking up. I'll just pretend I had a nightmare or something. I guess that's believable. And with that I quickly sit up in the bed and pretend I am panicking.

"Lexa you okay?" She sits up too and I can clearly see her puffy eyes and her blotched face.

"Just a bad dream. You're here so it's okay." I smile at her and pull her in for a kiss. "Baby what's wrong? You look like you were crying." I know the answer but I want to see if she will say.

"I'm just worried about you." I hate that I am causing her so much pain. "Did you sleep well? I mean besides the nightmare."

"Yes I did thanks to you." I kiss her again. "I don't think you did though" I give her a sad look.

"No not really but that doesn't matter." She rubs her face again. "Lets get ready to leave."

"Okay." I don't want to push the subject and I know she needs this talk in the car more than I do.

Clarke doesn't say anything she just gets up and starts packing up things around the room. I don't really know how to handle this situation. She is an absoulte mess right now and I don't know if I should say anything or just wait. I get out of bed and begin putting my things away but the sound of her sniffling makes my heart stop. I have to do something. I don't have the slightest idea what to do but then it hits me.

"Hey baby." She turns to face me wiping her nose. "I'm going to go fill the car up while you finishing packing if that's okay?"

"Okay drive safe."

"Love you." I kiss her forehead. Before grabbing my jacket and leaving.

I don't like leaving her alone but the car needs gas and I also want to get Clarke something. I drive to the nearest gas station and quickly walk inside. I go to the candy section and grab two of her favorite, Hershey's Chocolate witth Almonds. I pay for that as well as paying for the gas. Once the tank is filled I jump in and stop by the starbucks near the hotel. I get her favorite drink and hurry back. I open the door to the room to find Clarke sitting on the bed. She stands up when she sees me.

"Hey I got you something." I hand her the chocalate and the coffee.

"Thank you Lexa." She smiles for a brief second before her frown returns.

"No problem." I kiss her head. "You all ready to go?"

"Yes and I finished packing your stuff for you." She motions to the bags on the bed.

"Thanks," I walk over and grab all of them.

We walk down to the car. I put all the bags in the back and drive us around to the front so I can check out. Once that's finished I get back in the car and start driving home. I figure she wants me to start the conversation but I want to wait a few minutes before I do. I still haven't exactly decided what I was going to say.

"So we need to talk" I look over at her and all she does is nod. "Well I guess we can start with the whole Michael situation. Yes when I first saw that it was him I was scared to death that I was going to have some kind of freakout and ruin the night so I pushed through it. That's why when you pulled me away to talk about I refused because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle. Things were going fine though because there was no mention of Costia or anything like that. And yes he did talk about her to me for a split second. But I had to keep telling myself that she wasn't there and that it was not Micheal's fault." I pause giving her a chance to think.  "I'm sorry that I didn't want to talk about it last night and I'm sorry it seems like I never want to talk. You need to understand that I have never had someone I could talk to. You are the first person I have ever been able to trust with anything so it's all new to me. I never had my mom like you do and Anya is there only until stuff gets hard. You're the first person I could trust, you're the first person I know won't leave me and Jesus Christ you are the first person I have ever loved in any meaning of the word" I feel a single tear fall down my face as I realize just how important Clarke is to me.

"Lexa I"

"Clarke" I cut her off before she can start talking. " I'm not okay if you want to know the truth. I am really, really not okay with anything. Everything has gone to shit in my life and I am working my ass off to try to forget about it. I finally get some time off to spend with the one person love and you know what happens? Demons from my past come after me because that's how my life works. Life has just been one bad thing after another.But I happen to find something good in life for once and like hell if I'm letting my shithole of a life ruin hers more than it already has."

"Lexa baby you haven't ruined my life at all and nothing you say to me will. I'm so so sorry that life is a mess for you but please let me help you. It hurts like hell to watch you go through this and it hurts even worse when I have to leave you alone for more than two minutes because I'm scared of what I will come back to." 

"I won't do that. You have to trust me on that." I briefly take my eyes off the road to look at her.

**brief mention of Self harm**

"Pull the car over. Pull the car over right now."

I don't even question her. Luckily there is a rest stop ahead so I pull over there away from the other cars because I am not exactly sure what she wants. She unbuckles and faces me. I do the same.

"I can't trust you on that because I know relapses happen." She lifts up the sleeve of her hoodie and my stomach drops. There is a fresh line of three cuts. I don't even say anything I just get out of the car hand her the keys and walk away. My whole world just fell apart before my eyes. Nothing else that has ever happen to me can compare to the sadness, anger, and self hate I am feeling right now, "Lexa" I hear the door slam and her chase after me.

"Go home Clarke. Don't worry I'll find a way but you don't need to be around me." Tears flood my face. "Go home you and I are done."

"No we are not get your ass back in the car right now." She goes to grab me but I pull away. "You don't get to do this. I love you."

"Clarke I love you but this obviously isn't healthy for you." I grab her wrist. " So go home. I'll call Henry and go live with him okay. We can try us again if things calm down but it was stupid of me to ask this much of you. Look what I did to you."

"Lexa please don't do this. Please" It takes all I have in me not to cave in and walk back to the car with her but I'm no good for her.

"Goodbye Clarke." I give her one last kiss on the head and  I walk away leaving her standing there.

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I don't think their separation is going to last very long because that's no fun for me to right and I'm sure it's not that fun to read! I may even try to double update or something tomorrow because I already want them back together  lol!! But anyways thanks for reading and voting and commenting. As always please feel free to leave suggestions or feedback. I appreciate all of you very much and hope everything is going well in your life <3<3