The Pain of Loving Her

Chapter 25

Author's note: Hey guys don't really now what happened but the majority of this chapter got deleted. I rewrote it so most of it is the same but there are a few minor changes because I forgot to save it in my other document. So sorry, Thanks for reading!!

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Clarke and I are on our weekly grocery store trip. We care we it out of the Harry Potter marathon because food is a necessity. It's my week to pay for groceries but there's really not much on the list from Abby. So I guess I'll let Clarke get whatever food she wants. We walk down the candy section.

"Claaarkyyy" we both wipe our heads around to see who is screaming. It's Charlotte.

"Hey you" Clarke picks her up in a big hug.

"Clarke I miss you" Charlotte kisses Clarke's cheek. "Where have you been?"

"I've been at home silly. With this one." She motions towards me.

"Oh Lexa hi. I miss you too." She climbs in to my arms. "Why don't you watch me anymore?"

"Charlotte thank goodness." Marcus came down the aisle just in time. "You scared me to death when you ran off."

"I'm sorry daddy but look who I found." She hugs my next.

"I see that." He looks between us. "Lexa how have you been?"

"Good I guess. Sorry I kind of bailed on the babysitting thing." 

"Oh no worries. I understand." His face changes from happy to more serious. "I'm so sorry for what happened and that I didn't check in. I see you are doing okay though."

"Oh yes. Stuck with this one." I nudge Clarke with my foot. "But it could be worse."

"I want to be stuck with Clarke." Charlotte chimes in.

"Well I'd take you over Lexa any day." Clarke jokes.

"Ha Lexa told you I would steal you from her." Charlotte climbs back into Clarke's arm kissing her on the cheek.

"You can have her." I say playing it off like I'm kind of upset.

"Too bad Charlotte. You're with me." Marcus takes her from Clarke. "I think we should let them get back to shopping."

"But dad I don't want to leave." She starts getting upset.

"Hey how about I have Lexa call your dad and we can have a play date or maybe even a sleep over at my house one day?" Clarke calms her down.

"Okay. I love you guys." She stops crying. We exchange goodbyes and call you son.

As she walks away I hear Charlotte ask her dad "Will Lexa ever come back to watching me?"

I don't hear her response but the question gets be thinking about all the things I have been trying to block out. I shake off the question and go back to shopping. Clarke and I head to check out. We walk to her car and I load the groceries in the back of her car. Clarke takes the cart to put it up. I watch her as she walks the light hits her just right. I have never seen someone as beautiful as her. I take out my phone and snap a quick picture. She turns around just as I put it away. She sees me looking at her and walks like she is on a runway on the way to me. She makes stupid poses every few minutes.  When she finally reaches me I grab her and pull her close.

"You look beautiful." I kiss her forehead.

"Thank you but I'm in sweatpants, a hoodie and no makeup."

"It doesn't matter what you wear you are still beautiful." I kiss her nose.

"What did you do?" She eyes me suspiciously. "Why are you being nice?"

"I didn't do anything except fall in love with the most amazing girl and be lucky enough for her to fall in love with me back." This time I kiss her lips.

"You are I dork." She kisses me back. "Now get in the car."

I get in the passenger side and grab her phone. I unlock it and turn on her music. The first song to pop up is Princess by FLETCHER. I love this song and I sing every word to her on the ride home. When we get home I help her bring the groceries in the house. Luckily we could get all of it in one trip. We start unloading them like we do every week. About halfway through Clarke stops and grabs my hand.

"Hey Lex."

"Yes?" I put the can of olives down and look at her.

"When will you go back to watching Charlotte?" I gulp not really wanting to have this talk.

"I don't know. When ever I feel like it I guess."

"Are you scared to see them?" She doesn't need to elaborate I know who she is referring to.

"Can we not talk about this?" I have been  working so hard to avoid the topic of my family.

"Lexa please." She is pushing it.

"I asked you to leave it alone." With that I run up the stairs to my room and lock the door. I sit on the floor and cry. Memories from that night come rushing back. I have been trying to forget and now I can't. Why was I so stupid? Why did I not hide that stuff better? What did I do to deserve all of this pain and stuff in my life? My brain can't form an answer. I just cry. I didn't know how much I need to cry. My tears are interrupted by Clarke. Or the lack of. Usually by now she would have been up here knocking on the door or something. Suddenly I'm worried. I take a few deep breathes and stand up. I unlock the door and before I can take a step Clarke comes rushing in.

"What the hell Lexa?" She seems kind of angry and I am confused. "I thought we agreed no locking doors?"

"I'm sorry." That's all I can think to say.

"Are you okay?" She takes both of my arms and examines them. 

"Yes." I remove my arms from her grasp. "I'm fine." I walk over to the bed and lay down.

"Liar." She lays down and wraps her arms around me. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." I said it more to convince myself. I don't want to be upset with her.

"No its not. You ask me to stop and I didn't. Its obviously a sensitive topic for you still. I just want you to talk to me." I turn over to face her putting both hands under my pillow.

"It's the real reason I have been working so much. If I overload my brain with everything else I don't have to think about it."

"I was starting to get that." She brushes a hair out of my face. "We can talk when you are ready. Which is not right now."

"Thank you Clarke. Sorry I got so upset and locked the door."

"You don't need to apologize. I'm at fault here." I go to say something but Clarke beats me to it. "Don't you dare try to say otherwise."

"I wasn't." we both know that was a lie. "I want to know if you could finish the groceries for me?" I smile at her.

She rolls her eyes. "I guess so but I want the movie on when I get back up here."

"Yes ma'am." I smile. "Love you."

She kisses my forehead. "Love you too." With that she walks down the stairs.