Am I insane? // Dan Howell x reader au

Chapter 29. Hidden emotions

"Loving you...was like shaking hands with the devil."
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I followed them out, I stayed quiet, and I noticed dan was anxious, which was unlike him. He's becoming different.

I turned my head to look at phil who had dried up tears along his cheek, I walked over to him and placed my hand on the bruise, "what happened?" I ask toning my voice down.

"J-joe punched m-me." His voice shrivels shakily, I put a hand on his shoulder then hug him tightly, "I'm sorry." I mumbled into his shoulder. He didn't respond and we let go of each other as I slowly turned to Dan.

We made eye contact and I looked down as I was to scared to look at him directly in the face. He scoffed then we kept walking around the house, "okay were gonna need some stuff for the road so grab whatever we need and be quick." Dan said signalling us to go into the rooms.

We all quickly ran around the house, I found nothing good, just useless things, but then my eyes laid itself on a stuffed teddy bear across the room, I assumed phil would like it so I grabbed it and ran out.

"Come on let's go!" Chris yelled threw out the house as we all began to run out.

I saw dan holding keys, but they weren't ours, "wait we're taking there car?!" I asked.

Dan rolled his eyes, "just shut up and get it." He demanded, clearly still mad with me.

I scoffed then got in quickly, dan shutting the door behind me as Chris started the car.

After a while of driving since me and dan were stuck in the back, I decided to try to talk to him.

"Dan look, I was just trying to get us out of there, I didn't think I would have to hit you." I mumbled softly looking down at the seat too frightened to look him in the eye.

He didn't respond, in fact he just rolled his eyes as he continued to look out the window contemplating something.

I sighed while turning over and looking out the window as well, the car ride was silent and awkward, I could feel the distance between me and dan.

As I turned my arm I felt the soft fur of the stuffed bear I grabbed, I quickly picked it up then turned to the front seat of the car and handed it to him, "here, I managed to grab this." I said as I gave him a soft smile.

Dan looked over at me then rolled his eyes as a scoff escaped his mouth, "don't trust her phil, she might just hit you too."'dan said sarcastically as he continued to look out the window.

"Okay what the hell is your problem? If it wasn't for me we would still be in that fucking mess!" I yelled loudly as I pulled dans arm towards me, turning him to face me.

He was about to yell back at me but we were silenced as Chris slammed on the breaks, making us move forward in a quick motion uncontrollably then push back.

"What the hell?" Dan asked as he jumped out of his seat to look up front.

"Get out of the car." Chris demanded bluntly as he stared out into the distance.

Before I could open my mouth to ask 'what' there was a pause of silence and Chris then interrupted it by yelling again.

"Get out of the fucking car!" He said, "phil you stay."

I rolled my eyes then forcefully opened the door while hopping out as dan and Chris did the same.

I leaned against the car as I waited for them to walk around it, dan stood next to me as Chris stood In front of us.

"You both need to stop fucking fighting." Chris exclaimed as he looked now in a more serious tone at both of us.

I kept staring down at my laced shoes as Twiddled my thumbs nervously.

"And dan that as specially goes for you." Chris said as he began to walk back over to the car and getting in leaving me and dan to stand outside.

I sighed, I felt like a child that wasn't getting along with another student.

"I knew it was a plan..." dan spoke breaking the silence that eventually filled the outside.

My head turned slowly as I looked at him, "w-what?" I asked in complete confusion.

"I wasn't upset about that... it's just." He began to say softly until something bursts out of him and he began to raise his voice.

"I don't know! But I don't feel emotion, I've never felt remorse, I've never felt guilt, I just can't feel those things! And now when ever I talk to you, I don't feel like myself! and I don't know what's going on.." he panicked as he turned to face me throwing his hands in the air out of frustration.

I took a step towards him getting ready to place a hand on his arm until he moved away and avoided it, I slowly set my hand down waiting for dan to speak.

He looked at my arm, as his eyes closed and he let out a sigh, "Its just.... I started to think what Chris said was true, I'm losing myself, and it's scaring me that I don't know what I'm turning into." He explained as his back layer against the car and his eyes stared off into oblivion.

I stayed still not knowing what to say, my own thoughts were swallowing me alive, this wasn't easy, but in a quick motion I turned over to dan and grabbed him as I embraced him in a tight hug. My cheeks became a light pink as I gripped onto him tightly.

"Let's get back in the car, dan..." I said as I let go and opened the car door, we both got in a Chris gave a satisfied smirk as we heard the engine start.