I Really Messed Up, Guys: A Supernatural Self Harm Fic

Eat Me

They stopped outside the Impala and Dean leaned against it. "You were right, Case. Vengeful spirit it is." He ruffled the hair and her head and she pulled away to scowl at him. He grinned and said, "So, find out where Peg's bones are, torch 'em, then head home?"

Casey nodded, assuming it was as simple as that, but Sam cut her off and decided to ruin the mood. "Her bones might not even be here, though. This is a college. People come from all over to go here. Her body could be anywhere."

Casey sighed. "Sometimes, Sam, I think you look for an excuse to make us do research."

"It was a murder, Casey. Her site will probably be in the newspaper article. It shouldn't take that long." Secretly, though, she was right. Sam wanted to read the full story as to what supposedly happened in the sub-basement. Nothing was ever cut and dry for them. He had a feeling there was more than an easy stabbing here.

"Ugh, whatever," she said and climbed in the car.

Casey flopped on the bed of the Blackbird Motel and huffed. They hadn't planned on spending the night in town, but then they'd found out that Margaret Knope had been cremated, so Dean booked them a room. At least he'd been courteous and found them a motel with wi-fi.

"If she was cremated, what's her soul hanging on to?" Sam asked.

"How am I supposed to know?" she hissed.

Even from across the room she saw Sam raise his eyebrow at her. "It was rhetorical, Casey."

She rolled over and looked at her brothers. Dean was sitting at the table next to Sam eating a burger. Casey's was sitting in a box beside them because her annoyance had killed her appetite. She knew she'd been hungry for a case and  that she should have been grateful it was taking longer than they'd expected, but after two weeks in the bunker she'd become accustomed to sleeping in her own bed for over eight hours a night, and the cheap bed she was on now was a poor substitute. When they'd left the bunker, Sam had warned her she'd probably be exhausted after a short period of time, but she'd shrugged it off. He'd been right, though. The case was wearing on her emotions. Maybe she wasn't ready for a hunt yet. When they'd told Castiel about their plans he was vehemently against the idea. He didn't think she was stable enough. He'd spoken privately to Dean, but Casey was a hunter and it wasn't hard to eavesdrop.

"She isn't ready. She's been torn down emotionally and she doesn't have her usual relief anymore to grant her a feeling of security, Dean. Has she talked about what happened to either of you?" Castiel had tried to remain quiet, but he'd never been a master of discretion.

There was a pause before Dean spoke. "No."

"Exactly. She isn't ready," Castiel said as if Dean's short answer was a complete validation of his point.

"She has us, Cas. If she isn't ready she'll say something and we can call in some other hunters. She'll be fine." She'd felt a surge of pride in herself then. Her brother trusted her.

"No, she won't, Dean. She hasn't talked about what happened yet, which was a particularly traumatic event for her. If she won't talk to either of you about her feelings toward something that has already happened, she will not talk to you about her feelings towards something she thinks she wants." She'd felt a surge of wanting to punch Cas then. She didn't think she wanted to go on a hunt, she knew. It's how they'd coped with problems their entire lives. Hunts were an excellent device to avoid anything and everything that didn't feel good.

"We'll be able to tell if something's wrong, then."

"You weren't able to tell something was wrong before," Cas pointed out.

Dean's voice changed tones and she backed away from the door. She had a feeling he was going to storm out shortly. "Well, we know now that everything isn't peachy. We messed up before. You don't think I know that? You don't think I feel guilty as hell for not realizing that she was destroying herself and not doing anything about it?" She could hear Castiel try to interject something, but Dean kept on talking, getting louder and louder with every sentence. "I know, Cas. We screwed up, but we've got her back now. She has freaking body checks every day. She isn't allowed to keep barrettes and she hasn't even touched a butter knife since that night. She hasn't complained once other than to tell us she needed to go on a hunt because she was breaking. And that time I knew she was starting to crack. I could see it in her eyes and my dumb ass didn't say anything because I thought she'd talk first. I think I realize now when she ain't doing alright, Cas!"

The finality in his voice was obvious. He was done talking and Casey scurried away from the door before she got busted for listening. The door slammed and she hid on around the corner, knowing Dean would go the other way toward the kitchen so he could get a drink. After a moment, there was a gruff voice coming down the hallway.

"Casey," Castiel started. He turned the corner and looked at her. She looked back at him and felt tears well in her eyes. She felt betrayed.

"Don't Casey me, Castiel. I'm not weak. And I am ready to hunt." She bunched her fists tightly and backed away from him. Talking to Castiel wouldn't do any good for either of them and she needed to leave. She couldn't even look at his face without wanting to scream at it. 

"Casey, I don't think it's-"

"Eat me, Cas," she snapped at him. She didn't want to hear any of his excuses. She knew what she'd heard. And if he knew she'd been listening and said what he thought anyway then he'd obviously meant it.

"I'd prefer not to. And I don't think you're weak, Casey. I think that you aren't ready for something so serious," he tried to explain, but Casey wasn't having any of it.

"I honestly don't care right now. And I'd like to be left alone," she said quietly. She knew if she stood around talking to him much longer she was going to hurt his feelings. He may have hurt her's, but she refused to get back at him. He was still family and he truly was a baby with (broken) wings. She wasn't going to hurt him. No matter how much of a dick he was being, she could never be cruel to Cas. 

Walking away from him without an argument was proof enough to her that she was strong enough to take on anything.