Sora & Fumiko

Chapter Forty

Pain is the language of the heart.

It spoke to me everyday I had to live without Fumiko.

Every night I suffered and dragged on with tears during the day but I knew I had no one else to blame but myself.

I never meant to hurt her, I just didn't want her to leave our memories behind.

I only wanted to talk to her and spend time together the way we used to but it went further than intended out of passion.

She wasn't in my arms anymore because I chased her away.

I was alone again.

I deserved to be alone.

"Sora?"

"Sora?"

"Sora!"

"Hmm"

"What's wrong?" Mr. Saito looked at me concerned but I turned away.

"I'm fine." The sun pelted against my skin but I was so numb I couldn't feel it.

"Come on, I know you're not okay." Mrs. Saito enquired.

"Fumiko's gone." I answered automatically.

"Oh yeah, she left a few days ago."

I looked towards my crops and Mr. Saito sighed while rubbing his chin.

"I hope she's doing well over in the city. It must be really exciting leaving this little place and going out into the wide open world!" Mrs. Saito spread her arms wide to emphasise her words but I was less than empathic at the moment.

"Come on, what's wrong with you Sora? You knew she was going to leave."

"Yes, I knew."

"Then what's the problem?" Mrs. Saito questioned.

"Sora?"

I was at a loss for words, I didn't even know what to tell them.

"Did you get a chance to tell her how you feel?" Mrs. Saito asked.

"You know?" I questioned wide eyed.

"Of course."

"Oh."

"Did something happen?"

I blinked back and started at her but I knew she could tell if I lied.

"I made a mistake."

"Sora what do you mean?"

"I hurt her, I hurt Fumiko. I didn't- I didn't mean to... I don't know what came over me."

Mr. Saito's expression darkened and he narrowed his eyes at me.

"Sora, what did you do!?"

He walked up to where I was and started staring me down.

My mouth became brittle and I couldn't look directly at him.

"Did you sleep with that girl?"

"Yes."

"Sora!" He shouted. "How could you be so reckless!"

He grabbed me by the collar and pulled me forward.

"Have you lost your mind!?"

"I-, I don't know." Tears began streaming down my face.

"How could you allow something like that to happen!"

"I don't know." I sobbed.

"Didn't I tell you to control yourself!?"

I didn't mean for anything to happen but after we kissed I couldn't stop. The fire I felt from our kiss, I wanted more of it. I couldn't take my hands away from her and I wanted every inch of her to be mine.

The passion I felt kissing her, the pleasure I experienced taking her body, the endless spasms of lust my mind conjured made me unable to stop myself.

I crumbled away under the pain of reawaking memories but I tried my best to hide it.

How was it I cried so easily when I thought of Fumiko?

It had been years since I cried about anything but she could bring me to tears within minutes.

I hated feeling like this but I couldn't find the strength not to.

I was weak.

Weak and unworthy of someone like Fumiko.

Weak, pathetic and useless like my father always said.

I was nothing.

Nothing without her.

***
I walked the crowded streets uninterestedly as another harvest season had come. Nothing mattered much anymore but I carried on out of habit because farming was all I had.

I knew I had to go down to the market but I wondered the streets aimlessly. Nothing meant anything and I didn't have any life to shine light on my situation.

One year without Fumiko was torture.

I lived alone for six years but it didn't hurt as much as these lonely months.

I made myself strong by caring the memories I had along with but it made me weak when I realized she wasn't around.

I had no urge to work wholeheartedly because Fumiko wasn't standing by, watching me.

I was losing my mind without her.

I woke up calling out her name on too many nights.

I rushed home to meet her from school only to realize she wasn't there.

I cried out angrily at myself when no one was there and wept helplessly when I thought she could hear me.

Every day was horrible but I carried because of her.

I wanted her back in my arms. I had to tell her how I feel. She had to know I didn't mean to hurt her. I shouldn't have caused her so much pain.

But I had no right to ever see her again. I broke my promise. I told her I'd never allow any to happen to her but I crushed her heart, I moved too fast and broke whatever was between us.

"Sora"

A dark blue dress, grey sweater and long dark hair caught my eyes.

"Fumiko?"