Sora & Fumiko

Chapter Twenty-Nine

The days were becoming harder for me when it came to working in the fields because all I constantly thought about was Fumiko.

The mere thought of her sent me into spirals of lust, longing and desire. She could do so much to me and without saying what I felt for her, she was wreaking havoc in my heart.

I loved her with everything in me, but I also knew it was apparent she could never be mine and that made me suffer more than anything.

"Sora are you done yet?"

"In a minute" I called back to Mr. Saito as we worked side by side.

"What's wrong with you"

"Nothing"

"Sora?"

"Why do you ask?" I mumbled to him as I continued working.

"You seem off today" He asked as he came to stand in front of me.

"I'm fine"

"Sora are you -"

"Will you just leave me alone!" I snapped at him  accidentally. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything." I apologized as I caught myself.

"Sora, it's okay"

"I have no excuse but I'm sorry"

"I know, you seem stressed and tired. Is everything okay?"

I drew a hand over my face and sighed stressfully, unable to continue working because it became unbearable for me to contain the tension and pain I felt brewing in my head.

"Sora are you -"

"I can't take it anymore! I'm going insane from hiding how I feel about Fumiko!" I shouted as I threw my hoe down. "I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't do anything!"

"Calm down, Calm down" Mr. Saito said slowly. "I can understand what you're going through"

"How could you possibly understand!? How could you possibly know how much it hurts to pretend I don't feel anything whenever she's near me!?"

"Sora, don't overreact, I know it's hard"

"It hurts so much but I have to accept that I can't be with her."

My words stabbed at my heart like a knife but I continued nonetheless.

"I'll have to let her go"

"I know" he said. "But can you?"

I clenched my fists together tightly as his words stung painfully.

"I'm trying"

"And you're just going to move on?" I swallowed hard at his last statement.

Move on, how could I move on? How could I forget and walk away.

"I will" I struggled out the words as I thought of Fumiko.

"Good, then I guess you can-"

"I always knew" I said cutting him off. "I always knew that she would never be with me but I suppose I always hoped that she would"

Silence filled the space between us, as Mr. Saito dropped his hoe and walked up to me.

"Sora, don't beat yourself up over it. It isn't your fault"

"Fumiko and I are different. She's a school girl and I'm a farmer. She'll be leaving for college in the summer so I have to start letting go now. Our paths are too different to cross"

"Sora, if you truly love her it won't be easy to let her go"

"Don't you think I know that?" I ground out, my eyes burning with tears. "She was never mine and she's never going be, I have to let her go."

"What do you want Sora!?" Mr. Saito asked frustratedly.

"I want Fumiko!" I shouted angrily.

My heart painfully wrenched as I spoke the words I had been holding in my heart for so long. Everything I said was true but I cursed the words because they ignited the flame of desire I had been holding off for Fumiko.

"I want her!" I continued, "I want to tell her how I feel. I want to hold her in my arms and to take her to my bed"

"Sora" Mr. Saito said stopping me and bringing me back to reality.

My hands grew cold as soon as I realized what I had said. The only thing I could do was hang my head, too ashamed to meet Mr. Saito's gaze as my chest burned with unrelenting emotions.

"I don't think I should see her again"

Mr. Saito's eyes bulged when I spoke but I continued wholeheartedly.

"It's obvious that I feel too strongly about her and before it gets any worse I have to stop seeing her before I do something I regret."

"Sora! How can you not see her anymore!"

"Do you know that on New Year's Eve I was going to tell her everything but I couldn't because I knew how cruel that would be?"

It was true, telling her the truth would've put her in an uncomfortable situation and not only that but what would I have hoped to achieve?

"I've Thought about this Mr. Saito! This isn't only about me, I have to think about Fumiko and what I'm doing to myself!"

"Sora, what are you going to say to her? You can't see her anymore because you like her?"

The air was thick with tension as I stared at Mr. Saito confused. It wasn't his fault that I had fallen for Fumiko so why was he making it so hard for me to let her go by saying so many things? Did it matter if Fumiko was in my life or not? Wasn't I able to survive by myself? Wouldn't she be better off without me?

"Mr. Saito, I'll handle that when I see her. For now let me just think about it"

"Sora, will you be able to live with yourself if you let her walk away?"

"I-" My throat felt dry as my voice broke off. Just picturing her walking away from my life sent a stroke of pain through my heart but I pressed on. "I'll be okay"

***

I slowly trudged with the setting sun behind me and my hoe dragging beside me home. I felt the weight of what I had to tell Fumiko on my chest but tried to quiet it by thinking about her and knowing that it was the right thing to do.

As soon as I approached my house I saw her there.

She was sitting on the porch with her head on her lap,

crying.

When I saw her she was falling apart. She was barely able to contain herself as tears slipped down her face. The sole state of her grief almost brought me to my knees.

I gasped sporadically as I ran to her and pulled her into my arms automatically. Her tears ran softly against my neck as I embraced her, my heart skipping a beat when she buried herself against me. She was hurting so much, she had so much pain and all she ever wanted was for me to embrace her. She only wanted someone to talk to, she only needed someone to listen, she never asked for anything but my time. She never asked me to fall in love with her. A sob escaped me as I realized what I was about to do. I was going to tell her that I didn't want to see her anymore when she needed me the most.

"Sora, I'm sorry I -"

"Shh, It's okay. I've got you"

A tear slipped down my cheek as I looked at her beautiful face, my heart longing to hold her.

I couldn't do it, I couldn't let her go.

I didn't care if I could be with her or not but I couldn't let her go without destroying a part of myself in the process.

She was my heart, and the only thing that gave me sanity.

Even if I would never be with her I just wanted to hold her for a while. Just for a minute, just to imagine for a moment that she was mine and that I would always be with her.