The Stage Door (Camren/Norminah)

Pancake Cravings

"Didn't think we'd ever come back to this side of the street," Camila said as her and Lauren approached the old yellow bench located in the park at the top of the hill, across from the Jauregui residence. "What are we doing here Laur? We're supposed to be delivering that photo album down there," she reminded Lauren, pointing down to the white house. 

It was Sunday morning and the California sun, as always was hot and Lauren just shrugged and moved to sit on the bench as she had many times before, dropping her canvas backpack to the ground. "We will, but it's only like ten in the morning Camz, we've got time and I wanted to talk first," she said patting the empty space beside her. Camila obeyed the request and moved to sit down, her converse shoes swaying in the dirt and causing small clouds of dust around her feet. "Camz," Lauren said causing Camila to look over at her, her lips pulled into a tight line and her eyebrows raised. As soon as Camila faced towards her, Lauren pushed forward. Another short rough kiss. 

"Why do you keep kissing me like that?" Camila asked. "You've been doing it since yesterday and don't get me wrong, I love when you kiss me but there's something behind those ones, something I can't figure out. It's like-"

"Desperation?" 

"Kind of yeah, and-"

"Need? Hurt? Confusion? Anger? Regret?" Lauren started to list of a slew of reasons behind the kiss and Camila just stared at her with wide eyes. "There's a million reasons, but mainly I'm just trying to make you want me, I'm trying to hold you down-"

"I do want you."

"I don't believe you."

Camila scoffed and shook her head, not able to believe what Lauren was saying, "How the hell could you not believe me, I get that I've been distant and-"

"Why have you been so distant the last couple weeks?"

"I already told you it-"

"Was because you didn't know how to help me, but that's fucking bullshit Karla," Lauren said, using Camila's first name to make the girl pay attention when she saw her eyes wandering and sure enough Camila's eyes narrowed and landed back on Lauren. "There's more to it and you can deflect it on to me all you want, but I know you," she reminded the smaller girl and Camila nervously fidgeted and began to pull at the fabric on her t-shirt. "Do you love me?"

"Yes."

"Then why do you want to kill yourself?"

"I don't kno-"

"Ally told me, about the beach the night of the bonfire and you've tried before back in Miami and you've been distant lately, like really distant with everyone and you missed a session at the recording studio last week and that's not like you to skip out on music," Lauren rambled on and Camila just closed her eyes and listened to the sound of Lauren's voice, low and raspy. "If you love me and I mean really love me, then why do you want to leave me? Call me selfish, but do you have any idea what that would do to me? What it would do to Ally or Mani? Or DJ? What about your parents Camila? And Sofi, what would we tell Sofi?"

"Lauren, I-"

"No, let me finish. I'm kissing you hard because I'm scared I'm never going to get to kiss you like that ever again, that I'm going to wake up one morning and you'll be gone. I can't stop you Camila, but I'll tell you this," Lauren's eyes were glossing over, but there was an anger in them Camila couldn't place. "If you leave me behind I will never forgive you, I will never forgive Camila you do you hear me?"

"Sometimes things just get fuzzy in my mind," Camila whispered and Lauren just sat and stared at her. "Sometimes it feels like static and like if I touch something it will fall apart, if I touch you, I will destroy you and it feels like no matter what I do, I'm not good enough. You know how you felt when you saw Clara at the iHop that day, the first time when we went outside and you were crying and you were shaking and you were saying that everything was caving in on you in that moment," Lauren nodded her head and Camila continued. "That's how I feel every single day. Like the walls are caving in, like I can't breathe. The last two weeks, I was cold and distant because I was trying to make you hate me, I was trying to make you hate me because you are the only thing holding me in place and if you hated me I could jump off that roof without a second thought, I could let go and not feel guilty."