New Beginnings

Chapter 38 : Worse

Chapter 38

A few weeks later...

Alex POV

"He's getting worse, Alex. We should really do something," Nick said.

"I know. I know he's getting worse, but I don't think sending him to a counselor or a therapist will help him. He won't talk to them. He'll be too nervous and scared."

"Well we can't let him keep having nightly panic attacks and multiple nightmares every night. He has panic attacks during the day now too, and he almost ran out of class yesterday. You're lucky I was holding onto his hand really tight."

I sighed.

"Look. I know Jeff. And I know he needs help, but we can't send him to a therapist. I'll talk to my uncle, and see what he thinks, ok?"

All of a sudden, we heard screams from the shower. I looked at Nick.

"I'll get it..." Nick mumbled, walking towards the bathroom door.

I sighed again. Jeff is falling apart before our eyes, and I can't imagine why. He doesn't know about his dad getting out of jail, and he's doing alright with his grades. I don't know what's wrong with him.

5 minutes later, Jeff was curled up in bed next to me in his pjs. He was still calming down a little.

"Do you want to talk about it yet?" I asked.

"I-It was a f-flashback."

"About?"

"I-I um-"

"Wait until you calm down a little more. I want to wait until your stutter goes away."

Jeff sighed, and buried himself under the covers. I think he does it to feel safer. He does that all the time.

Jeff POV

Breathe in, and out. Come on, Jeff. Calm down already. You're being stupid.

I got control of myself again.

"It was flashback of being in the shower," I said, just above a whisper.

Alex pulled the covers off of me, and pulled me closer to her, probably so she could hear better.

"It was back when I lived with my dad. And... I was in the shower... He only let me shower once a week. But one day he made me do a lot of yard work, and I was dirty, so I thought I could just take a quick shower. But dad didn't agree with me. Halfway through my shower, he came in, and he just... h-he hurt m-me so b-bad... I k-kept s-screaming for him t-to stop... B-but he d-didn't until I p-passed out c-cold on t-the b-bathroom floor..."

I curled into Alex, and she wrapped her arms around me. I was trying not to start crying. But I just felt so miserable. I just wanted to stay in Alex's arms forever. I loved the feeling of being held, and I felt safe.

"Look, Jeff... Nick and I were talking during your shower... You're getting worse, and we don't know why. And before we do anything, we wanted to know if something is going on with you that we don't know about."

"I don't know..."

"Well... This all started when we went home for winter break."

"I'd never been in a home where I wouldn't get hurt. It just brought back memories, I guess."

"Yeah, and the memories are getting worse for some reason."

"I just feel so ashamed of everything. I hate feeling so scared. I'm too tired of dealing with this."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I wish I didn't exist."

"Jeffy-"

"I can't even sleep anymore! That used to be my way of escaping all the stress! But now I can't because of the freaking nightmares and panic attacks! I'm constantly exhausted, and I don't want to sleep because I know I'll just wake up scared! I can't do this anymore!"

I turned my head into my pillow, crying. Alex tightened her hold on me.

"Jeff, I don't like hearing you talk like that. It scares me. Don't you know how upset we'd be if something happened to you?"

"I can't live like this anymore!" I screamed.

"Jeff, hey. Listen to me for a minute. We can get you help, ok?"

"I'm not talking to a therapist."

"Jeff, there are other things we can do. There's medication you can take."

"I don't want to take medicine."

"Jeff, I know you feel like crap right now. I get it, ok? But we can get you help, and we can make things better. But I need you to try to be strong, and I need you to try to push away the thoughts that you're having. I know it's going to be hard. But all I'm asking is that you try, ok?"

I nodded. I don't want to disappoint her. I just want her to be happy. I'm going to try. For her.

"Nick, text Sebastian, and let him know what's going on. And I don't want Jeff out of our sights no matter what right now, ok?"

"Alright."

I sighed. No privacy. But they'll make sure I don't do something bad. I guess it's for the best...

I wiped my tears. I want to be strong. But I feel so weak. I don't know how to start being strong.

I turned in her arms, and wrapped my arms around her, clinging to her.

"Will you help me?" I whispered.

"Help you what?"

"Be strong?"

"Of course, Jeff. My main focus is helping you get better. Do you want to talk about something? Nick went to go talk to Sebastian in person, so if you just wanted to talk to me-"

"I just feel so ashamed!"

"Of what?"

"Of everything that happened to me!"

"Jeff, nothing that happened to you was your fault. There's nothing to be ashamed of. And I love you. I don't care about what happened."

"How do you still love me with all my nightmares and panic attacks lately?"

"Jeff, you are so special to me. You are totally worth fighting for. And I would do anything to make sure you were ok."

"I just don't get it..."

"Jeff, if I was acting like this, would you still love me?"

"Absolutely!"

"Well think of it that way."

"Oh... I sort of get it..."

"Are you feeling any better now?"

"Kind of... I don't feel so alone anymore..."

"See? This is exactly why I keep telling you to talk to someone if you're not ok. Sometimes knowing that we're going to address the problem will make you feel better before we actually fix it."

I sighed.

"You ok, Jeff?"

"I'm so tired, but I don't want to sleep."

"How about you try taking a nap? I'll wake you up in a little while, ok? Sometimes a lack of sleep really affects your mental health."

"Ok... Please wake me up soon. I don't want to have a nightmare."

"If you look like you're having a nightmare, I'll wake you up right away, ok?"

"Ok... Thanks..."

It took almost no time at all for me to fall asleep.