I Really Messed Up, Guys: A Supernatural Self Harm Fic

Boundaries, Cas, Boundaries

"You were freakin' nine?" he asked, voice cracking some. Dean didn't turn his chair around to speak, but leaned forward to rest his head in his hands. "You started doing this to yourself when you were nine? And we never noticed? Dad never noticed?" Dean was horrified. What good was a big brother, two big brothers, when they didn't even see that anything was wrong. Something was wrong for six years before either of them noticed.

"I think Dad saw once, but if he did he pretended they weren't there. I don't know. I didn't want anyone to notice. I figured eventually I would stop and it would all be okay, but...,"

"But you didn't stop," Sam volunteered.

Casey nodded. "I didn't stop. I couldn't stop. It's like I can be almost okay and then next thing I know I start panicking and the only thing that can bring me back down is that. It's the only thing that works," she confessed while looking at Sam's knees. The fabric on them was thin from years of wear and hard labor, mirroring the man inside them and everybody else in the room. They looked just as beat down as Casey felt. She looked up at Sam's face and absorbed his big hazel eyes. Sam's eyes had always reminded her of the big soft eyes of a mother cow when she looked at her calf. They were always full of love and sincerity. They obviously had his signature puppy look to them, but the familiarity just reminded her of a loving mama cow, no matter how ridiculous it sounded. She would never tell him that, though.

She looked to her oldest brother. Dean's eyes were, as always, saturated in ferocity for anything regarding his family. Casey hoped that when she one day, if she one day, had her own family she would carry the same level of dedication to them that Dean had for her and Sammy. He was also staring at her wrists. They were gone, but Casey knew he was seeing the scars as if they were there, still, in high definition, and blaming himself for every one of them. His brow was tight. He looked up and met eyes with Casey and ran a hand through his short hair, erasing the sheer anger from his face as well as possible.

"Kid, these are things you shouldn't keep to yourself." He fastened Casey with a flinty look, layered with gloom and consternation he was unsuccessfully trying to hide.

Casey shrugged, unsure of what to say next. "Well, I did. And here we are," she observed, void of amusement.

"Here we are," Dean echoed quietly, mussing his hair even more.

They were all silent for a moment. Casey didn't know what came after your worst nightmares come true. She knew they wouldn't move on and forget like she'd hoped. They'd probably discussed what to do with her outside. She was sure that whatever they'd discussed she wasn't going to like it. She already felt naked knowing her knife wasn't tucked safely in her boot where it belonged, but hidden from her. And that could only be the beginning. "So, now what?" She asked the question that was glaring them all in the face. They knew what, they were just waiting for her to ask.

Sam cleared his throat. "Well, we're going to go back to the bunker and take a break from hunting.

Her eyes widened. "We're in the middle of a hunt!" she insisted. "We just drove how many hours to get here and you want to go back already? Besides, we can't quit hunting. We'll go stir crazy and kill each other." She stood and planted her hands on her hips. They couldn't take breaks from hunting and all four of them knew it.

"We can call in some other hunters to take care of it. Casey, you need a break. That's okay. And we can do some other stuff. There's always research to be done. And-"
Casey cut Sam off. "Oh, yeah, Sammy. That's what I want to do. Research. I'm sure research is going to make me feel way better."

Dean unfolded his legs, losing the forced casualness of his pose. "Well, obviously hunting hasn't made you feel too great, has it?" Dean retorted back, glaring at her arms. It felt like a direct hit to her chest, the insult pushing her back to sitting on the bed. Even her brother thought she was an idiot. He didn't say it in as many words, but it was obvious what he was implying. You felt like crap so you did something stupid, it screamed at her. I know. I'm an idiot. She felt her face begin to burn with shame.