I Really Messed Up, Guys: A Supernatural Self Harm Fic

Shit.

Casey rolled her eyes and turned the handle until the window was all the way shut, effectively sealing in the warmth from the sun as well as the body heat and unfavorable sweat smell of the three hot passengers. "Dean?"

"Yes?" he asked without looking back, although she could see his satisfied smirk.

"You suck," she said bluntly.

Sam was throwing back an energy shot when Casey said this and choked on a laugh. Chalky colored liquid spilled down his chin and onto his white undershirt but he didn't care. He continued his chortle loudly and Casey looked at Dean smartly, who had a scowl on his face.

"Whatever," he grumbled and turned back to driving.

After Sam cooled down and gave Casey an approving look, he reached into the backpack between his legs and pulled out a book she assumed was non-fiction. Casey would never understand that. Books were made for escaping reality, settling into another world where numerous things you'd never think were possible were possible. That was a rare thing for her. In a hunter's world you dealt with the make believe, so when she was able to find a book that could actually take her to another place it was a dream come true. They were hard to come by, but they did exist. Sam made sure every Christmas he would give her as many books as he could afford. They were all used, but Casey didn't mind. The ridiculous amount of money he could spend on a couple new books was money that could be spent on even more used books. He would painstakingly research books she might like online and spend several hours in thrift stores or used bookstores skimming through countless titles for her, analyzing plots and points of views and the way each author wrote just to make sure he picked out the perfect ones. It drove Dean crazy, but Sam was adamant. He knew exactly the types of books Casey liked and would find them. They didn't have a lot of money and rarely had a lot of time, but Sam made sure to do that for her every year. She was so young; he wanted to make sure she knew she had the same love and devotion a normal family would give her too, just on a tighter budget and in a slightly unconventional way. And every year Casey was grateful to the point of tears when she would unwrap four or five dingy, yellow paged books. And as she dove into them and discovered, once again, that he'd picked out absolutely wonderful stories for her to read she would be overcome with appreciation again.

It was July though and Christmas was not even in her range of thinking, so she had nothing good to read. Casey only kept two or three books with her on the road and stored the rest of them at Bobby's. This last stretch of hunting though Casey had practically memorized all three tales, so she settled for sitting quietly and gazing out the windows while trying to think of all the different ways lyrics from the songs playing could be interpreted. The sun was hurting her eyes some and it also was not helping the heat in the car, but they worked so often at night or in dark motels that every ray she was able to get felt like a kiss from God, so she rolled up her sleeves and let her skin be tanned through the glass, reveling in the steady engine noises and the feeling of travelling across an unknowable amount of land in summer daylight. There wasn't much peace in her life, but sometimes the timing was just right and even her brain felt calm.

"Hey, Casey, are you thinking diner or Chinese buffet?" Sam twisted from his book to ask her after passing a sign. She took a moment to assess the state of hunger she was in and told him she'd decided buffet. Sam gave her a smile and turned to his brother. "That's what I thought too. You heard her, Dean. Happy Moon Buffet it is." Dean groaned and Sam turned back to Casey with a smile. She peeled her arms from the window and folded them on her lap.

"How far away is it?" she asked.

"The sign said 6 miles but-" the end of Sam's sentence cut off abruptly and Casey tilted her head at him. He was staring down towards her pants looking terrified, like a demon had just crawled out of her pockets. She looked down and realized in horror that Sam wasn't looking at her pockets like she'd originally thought.

He was looking at her arms.

Sam pulled his lips into a tight line and swallowed dry and looked back up at his sister. He could see the fear in her eyes and she could see the heartbreak in his.

"Casey, what-," he started, but Casey cut him off.

"Six miles? So like less than ten minutes? Thank God. I'm starving. That's the best part about buffets. You never have to wait for your food to come, you just go up and get it. I know Castiel would disagree, but gluttony is my favorite sin." Casey knew she was babbling, but she needed Sam to think about something else, and she needed Dean to not know that anything was going on. She couldn't have Dean know. He would kill her.

"Jeez, Case. You're going about a mile a minute. I'm hungry too but damn," Dean commented from the front lightheartedly. He was completely oblivious.

Sam was staring at her arms, analyzing more closely now, and looked up at her like he was going to start talking again. Casey pulled her sleeves down and shook her head so subtly that Sam almost missed it. She looked at his face, it was pale with worry and staring at her back. "Please?" she mouthed and flicked her eyes towards Dean's seat, shaking her head. She made her eyes pleading. "Please, don't tell him." Sam pulled his head towards Dean's chair slightly but he paused and shifted back into looking at his little sister. "Please?" Her eyes were filling with tears as she silently begged him to keep her secret. He looked at her sweater sleeves and back up to her again and gave one firm nod. Sam turned back in his seat, looking dead ahead. He pulled out his phone and typed for a long moment, pausing every couple of words and thinking his wording out thoroughly, before shoving it harshly back in his pocket. He didn't want to scare her, but she needed to understand how serious he was. Casey's phone vibrated.

"I won't tell Dean, but I expect you to soon. I'll be there if you want, but he has to know. You and I are going to talk about this though. Tonight. If you won't I'm telling Dean and he will make you talk about it. I love you." His text ended with a little heart emoticon. Casey felt her emotions dart in a million directions all at once. She was relieved he'd agreed not to tell Dean, but upset he was going to try to make her. She was sad because her secret was now between two people instead of just her. She felt anxious because Sam wanted to talk about it and she really did not. But mainly Casey felt scared because she knew Sam was going to want to look and she knew that her privacy and personal space was gone for good now. And that thought made her sick to her stomach.