My popular secret

Chaoter 19- Burnt out

It's January 8th, and college begins today. But It's been a rough few weeks.
Even though it was supposed to be a time for celebration with family, which some of it was, some unexpected events also occurred. Christmas Day was great, other than my normal cancer fatigue, I felt genuinely okay for a whole 12 hours.
But a few days later, we got a call from Caleb's Mum. Things had taken a turn for the worst. He got pneumonia and had to be transferred to the intensive care unit (ICU) where he was put on a ventilator. He went into respiratory failure and for a few days no one knew if he would make it. It was horrendous for me, as the last thing I remember saying to him was not how I wanted to leave it with him. We had an argument, and he doesn't know how I really feel about him.
However, after a few days he eventually improved and was taken off the ventilator and out of the ICU. He was still exteremly sick but atleast I was allowed to go visit him. I went to visit him on New Year's Day, he couldn't talk much but he let out a few smiles. Most of it was spent with me talking and him listening. At one point he reached over and stroked his hand across my cheek. I leant into his hand, and he accidentally knocked out my oxygen. But it was okay because he used all the effort he had to put it back in. I knew at that point that he was sorry for what he said and that he truly still did care about me. No words were needed, I now know we're okay.

In other good news, the radiation treatment has been succssesful in reducing the size of the tumours in my lungs. This has reduced the pressure so my blood oxygen levels have returned to normal. Therefore the nasal cannula is out and I feel more normal again.
But this has come at a price, my skin where the radiation has been targeted has begun to burn and peel and it is agony. Today I'm back in the hosptial for my 4th out of 6 radiation treatments, and I want nothing more than to not be here right now. I'm planing on going back to college next week, and I don't want anything to mess it up. Luckily it's still winter so I'll be able to cover up all my scars and burns, but just walking with them is painful.
And going to college without Caleb is also going to hurt.

I'm having radiation done on my lungs and pelvis where the largest and most dangerous tumours are located. And we're hoping the other tumours will continue shrinking with the chemotherapy. So right now I'm in the hosptial, in the room where I have to get changed into a specific gown before I then walk in to the radiation room. I'm feeling a lot stronger lately, as in I can stand up for a few minutes without feeling like I need to faint, and I can walk good distances now. I don't know where this has all come from, but I couldn't feel happier about it.
I feel as if I have a new chance, a new lease on life.

Anyway, with that being said it's now time to go in for my 4th treatment.

--

It's the next day and I'm starting to feel the effects already. The skin around my ribs and hips are peeling at an alarming rate, leaving open, fresh wounds. It hurts to sit, walk, breath, everything. Even though the treatment is trying to cure me, it's making things harder in the mean time. After feeling so happy yesterday, things have had a complete turn around. I feel like utter rubbish, the mix of toxic chemicals circling in my blood and the scolding of my skin, the happiness of yesterday has already disappeared.
I had a few days where I felt almost normal, and started to get ideas in my head about the possibility of being cured, and actually having a future. But today I feel I'm back to square one.

I'm at home now. I've hidden myself away in my bedroom for the entire day. I've not eaten, or socialised. I don't want them to see me back to this.
But it gets to the point where I can't hide from everyone. It's late in the afternoon, I'm curled up under the covers, and Christy enters my room without permission.

"Bella?" She says with her quiet and soft voice. "Come on Bella what's up? Why won't you come downstairs?"
I don't reply in attempt to get the message across. But she still won't leave.
She sits on the edge of my bed and lays a hand on my leg. "Just talk to me Bella."
I sniff a little whilst trying to suck up some tears, then I decide to pull my head out from under the covers. "I'm in pain."
"Oh Bella, where? You should have told me."
"There's nothing anyone can do."
"Sure there is. Come on what's hurting?"
"Everything. My chest, my hips, and I'm - I'm hideous."
"Bella you know the burns are only temporary, we can give you some more paracetamol but if you need something stronger then we'll have to take you back to the hospital."
"NO!" I sit up and now look st her directly. "I'm not going back. I don't - I can't -"
"Okay Bella, it's okay. No ones forcing you to, but I think it's for-"
"I said no! Just leave me alone." And I retreat back under the covers.
"Bella? ... It's not just physical pain is it?"
I don't reply but dam she has figured it out.
"You know you can talk to me about anything Bella? I love you so much, and I would do anything for you. And seeing you upset like this and not knowing why is-"
"You're right okay." I say to shut her up before all the sentimental stuff comes out which I don't react well to. "I'm hurt. I'm in pain... and I'm tired. I'm just tired of it all."
"Well that's understandable. You've gone through so much in your short life, more than the majority of people on this planet will ever go through. You've defied all the odds, how many people have fought cancer seven times and beaten it? Not many, that's for sure. If you've done it seven times there's no reason why you can't do it for an eighth."
"I'm just tired Christy... and fed up."
"And I understand that. But I think you just need to take things one day at a time. You've only got two more rounds of radiation left. Come on you were feeling so happy yesterday, and there's no reason why you won't feel that happy again tommorow. Today is just a bad day and you've had worst days and got through them. It's just another small bump in the road we can get over... how about I try and convince Mum to let you go to college tommorow?"
"What? But I'm not going in until next week?"
"I know but moping around the house all day isn't going to help anything now is it? Come on go to college, see Ella and Shannon, talk to some boys, have fun."
"I don't remember how to have fun."
"Oh Bella you're the best at having fun! I wish I could have done the things you did at your age."
"Trust me you don't."
"Okay well maybe not all of it, but you've learnt your lesson now about some things. Anyway I'm not asking you to go full out partying, just one day at college. I bet you'll enjoy it and it should lift your spirits up."
"I guess I could go. But Mum will never agree to it."
"I'll talk to her. Come on, give me a hug." Eventually I decide to sit up and give her a hug. But the second we come into contact with eachother I squeal a little in pain as she rubs on my burns. "Sorry Bella. I'll go talk to her now."

--

Somehow Christy managed to persuade my mum to let me go to college today. And Christy has been right, it has helped lift my spirits slightly.
Once Christy has finished helping me apply fresh bandages on my most severe burns, I get changed into something as covering as possible. But when I put my wig on and sit in front of my mirror preparing my make up, I feeling a lot more human again.
I finish off by drawing in my eyebrows which is always the most satisfying part. Chemotherapy doesn't just damage the hair follicles on your head, it damages them everywhere, including the eyebrows and eyelashes. So when I'm without them I feel like the sick cancer patient I am, no definition to my face, just lifeless really. But now the fake eyelashes have been glued on, and my eyebrows neatly drawn I feel a lot more human.

Christy drives me into college, and I ring Ella when I'm on my way so that we can walk in together. I feel so nervous, I haven't been here since the beginning of December most people have probably forgotten who I am by now. Which I guess, wouldn't be a bad thing to be honest. The only reason I'm still sad about today though is I know I won't be able to see Caleb's smile as I walk into my English class.

As we drive into the entrance of the college I see Ella standing outside. I immediately feel a sigh of relief, and edge forward in my seat ready for Christy to drop me off.
She parks up the car and she turns to face me before I leave. "You look beautiful Bella."
"I'm just going to college Christy."
"I know, but you still look beautiful."
"Well thanks." I give her a hug then exit the car. It's only seconds later when Ella collides into me forcefully.
"I'm so glad you're here!" Ella shouts and squeezes me roughly.
"Ella? Ella!" I say and cough slightly.
"Oh I'm sorry Bella. Just got excited you know. So how are you feeling how's things with you know, the c-"
"It's good. It's all good."
"Well that's great to hear. Come on, Shannon and everyone's been waiting for you inside."
"Wait, what have you told them about where I've been? Just so I can be prepared you know."
"Um, oh yeah, I said you were taking some time off college to decide wether you wanted to continue or not."
"Is that it?"
"Yeah. Is that alright?"
"Er - well it's simple. And they didn't ask anymore questions?"
"No, you know Shannon, she's not one for asking for lots of information."
"Guess not."

We finally make it inside the canteen, and I immediately feel anxious. Revealing my burns and scars in the buisiest part of the college is social suicide. So I pull down my sleeves and grip them tightly within my arms to avoid anything being revealed. As we get closer to my group of friends I immediately notice a face I was hoping not to see.
"Ella is that Dylan?" I ask and stop walking.
"Oh yeah, he's been asking a lot about you. He's been hanging out with us almost everyday trying to get information but of course we don't no anymore than him really."
"I don't want to go over there."
"Oh come on Bella."
"Ella I haven't seen him since we - you know?"
"Oh. Well you've got to do it at some point. Come on, we're here now anyway, it would look weird if we suddenly turned around."
She grabs me by the arm and literally drags me along.
"Bella!" Shannon shouts and rushes over to me. "My Bella where have you been all this time? We've missed you so much."
"Oh, well thanks Shannon. I've just um, i've been needing some time to think wether college is er - the right path for me you know?"
"You better not be leaving me like Hannah did. The bitch."
"No no, I'm not going anywhere. For now anyway."
Whilst trying to avoid eye contact with Dylan, I can see by his posture he's getting frustrated. He comes over to me and attempts to give me a hug, but it's anything but pleasant.
"Where have you been then sweet cheeks? You disappeared after our night together?" He says and pinches my butt cheeks.
"I've just explained it to Shannon, weren't you listening?"
"Well maybe I don't believe you."
"Anyway." Says Ella interrupting the conversation to my many thanks. "Me and Bella have got to get to class now, see you guys at lunch."

Well that was seriously painful. But I'm very surprised at how happy Shannon was to see me, and I'm now even more nervous about Dylan considering I now know he doesn't believe my story...