My popular secret

Chapter 5- Cancer fatigue

I'm seventeen now. I'm independent. Surely I shouldn't still have my parents telling me what to do?

It's been a few weeks at college now.
And to be honest... I've just felt sicker each day.

With chemotherapy, it's the tiredness that hits you as well. And it's not just everyday tiredness, it's extreme fatigue. It's something no one, other than a cancer patient, will be able to understand.
My parents understand though. They've watched me go through it for so long now, they know when I'm ill and when I'm not. Even if I'm not throwing up.

This morning, a Tuesday morning, I just haven't physically been able to get out of bed.
I know I'm not going to be able to make it to college today.
My mum comes in my room at 7am.
"Hey darling" she says quietly and sits on the edge of my bed. She starts stroking my bald head, and says "you're not well today are you?"
I find it hard to speak, my throat is extremely sore. "No." is all I can make out
"Well that's alright, you just rest okay. Don't worry about college, I'll just give them a ring."
I just nod this time, and close my eyes.

As much as I'd like to rest, my friends need a reason why I'm not in today. This part always stresses me out.
I have to lie to them. Again. They never seem to take much notice though , I will admit, I'm not friends with the brightest of people. But that's probably a good thing.

--

So my day's been terrible.

I've vomited only a couple of times. (Which trust me, is a good amount of times for me.)

And I haven't been able to eat Anything.

I know that probably doesn't seem like that big of a deal.
But not eating one day, can lead on to a whole load of other rough situations. When I was five and first got cancer, I had to have a nasogastric tube. This is basically a tube that goes up your nose, and food is sent through it and straight into your stomach. You need it if you loose too much weight too quickly, or if you can't hold your own food down, or if you can't physically eat by mouth.
I've only had to have one once, luckily. If I had it, Or I might even have to have it in the future, I certainly wouldn't be able to keep it a secret anymore would I?

At the moment I'm struggling to eat because of mouth sores. These are caused by the chemotherapy. Just one of the many side effects.
And every time I eat, I feel like I'm going to throw it all back up again. No... wait... I mean I WILL throw it up again.

My mum and dad are at work currently, and my siblings are all either at college or uni.
So I'm home alone.

I decide to actually get up and stop just feeling sorry for myself. That's one things I've learnt since having cancer.
If you just get on with things, and stop thinking so negatively, then you may feel a little bit better.
Well, sometimes.. anyway.

I manage to make it downstairs and on to the sofa. Not great, but at least I'm out of bed.

I suddenly get a call.
It's from Ella.
"Hey my darling Bella. How are you?"
"I'm alright thanks, just got a bit of a cold."
"Oh no, I hope you feel better. You still up for the party tonight?"
"Party?"
"Yeah, it's Josh's party tonight.... remember..?"
"Um... yeah, yeah I'm still well enough to go."
"Awesome, Come round mine at seven and we can get ready together."
"Yeah... um... okay, see you then."
"See ya later".

Oh dam.
I completely forgot about this party tonight. I am really not well enough to go, but if I don't go people will start questioning me. It would probably end up worse if I didn't go.
So I guess I'll have to.

Maybe I just won't drink tonight...?

--

I'm just collecting my stuff to go round Ella's. but then suddenly my mum comes through my door.
"Oh, Bella you're up?"
"Yeah, you know I'm feeling a lot better now."
She gives me a very doubted look, unfortunately, she can tell when I'm lying.
She rushes over and puts her hand on my forehead.
"No way are you going anywhere tonight. You're still very ill Bella."
"Mum..."
"No Bella!
"I don't care, I'm going anyway."
"What you seriously think I'm going to let you go to another party? Even after the stunt you pulled the other day?"
"What stunt?"
"When you stormed out the hosptial, and refused to let them treat you. They're only trying to help you better, you're making yourself look like a fool."
"Don't talk to me like that mother, I can do what I want, I'm 17! Just stop treating me like a kid!"
I storm out my room with all my clothes and bags in my hand.
But she attempts to grab me by the arm.
"Look... Bella... I'm not doing any of this to hurt you... I just want you safe."
"I don't care... just let go of my arm!"
She slowly lets go, and then I storm out of the house.

--

I've left the house like this one too many times. And I feel terrible for doing it each time.
But I just have to make my own choices in life now.
And I'm feeling, I guess, kind of confident that I'll be fine tonight.

--

1am. Been partying for a while now.

Thrown up twice in the toilets.

And once in their living room.

Luckily I have an excuse though. I can say it's just because I'm drunk. But it's just because I'm generally sick. And I know I've made a mistake.

I shouldn't be here.

I start feeling really dizzy. The loud music thumps powerfully through my ears and into my head.
My legs go weak, to the point where I feel I can no longer walk.

Suddenly, Dylan comes over, and grabs me by the hips.
"Hey babe, you're looking great tonight."
"Piss off Dylan, I'm not in the mood."
I try to storm away, but he pulls me back in to him again.
I have to grab hold of my head, as I feel my wig almost falling off.
It's all just going wrong!

I go straight over to Ella, and tell her I don't feel well.
But she blatantly ignores me. And I don't have time to get involved.

I decide to just storm out of the house with my things. And I'm going to attempt to walk back home by myself.

But it's cold.

And dark.

And I'm drunk.

And I'm sick.

And I still have cancer...

----

"Come on Bella, it's going to be okay, alright. Your mums desperate to see you."

I suddenly wake up!!!

But I don't remember going to sleep.
I hear the beeping noises. I feel sharpness in my chest, and leads on my body.

I know where I am, but I just don't want to face the reality.

"Bella... do you know where you are?" Says one of the nurses. I don't reply as my throat really hurts, and I'm too angry to anyway. "You're in the hospital sweetheart."

I finally open my eyes and face reality.
I'm in a private room, and there's a couple of nurses around me. All just staring down at me, watching me wake up. It's not an unfamiliar sight. I'm used to unexpected hosptial visits.

"Why am I here?" Is all I say.
"Well... I think you know why you're here Bella..."