My popular secret

Chapter 18 - Family time

Authors note:
This has been a hard few weeks. Recently, The world has lost two beautiful souls to cancer. Sophia gall, who was 16 and was battling osteosarcoma, and Emily Hayward who was battling terminal melanoma and brain cancer. They were both such young girls who deserved so much more time than what they were given. I followed them on social media for years and it has been really shocking and upsetting knowing they're both gone, and It's all because of cancer. Even though I never met them, I feel like I really miss them. It's not right that so many young people still die from cancer, and i know Sophia and Emily are just two amongst hundreds of people who would have died from cancer in these last few weeks. I'm genuinely upset over the news, and I hope my books are helping to open up just a little bit about what these cancer patients go through. Of course I will never understand the true extent of it, but I give it my best go at imagining the tortures they have to go through. I'm so sad that they're gone but I'm also glad they're no longer in pain. Rest in peace Sophia and Emily, I will never forget the amazing people you both were and I hope that one day we will find a cure for cancer. 💗💗💗

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So last week was probably the lowest I've felt during my entire cancer journey. Physically and mentally.
I got sent home a day after i decided to try and run away from the hosptial, even though I knew I wouldn't be succssesful. I can't honestly tell you what was going through my head at that point, but all I do know is I was exteremly upset and angry with what Caleb had said to me. He basically called me a slut, and that really hurt, especially coming from Caleb, someone I care about and someone I thought was different to all the other guys I've ever known.
I only collapsed again because I ran out of oxygen, and my lungs couldn't keep up with my sudden bout of energy. However...this has lead to myself and the doctors realising if I want to continue leading  a somewhat normal life, I'm going to require this oxygen permanently.
Of course I'm against it, it just makes things seem like they're going downhill rather than getting better. But The doctors haven't given up on me yet. We're all still hoping the radiation treatment will work and I'm still on the list for the bone marrow transplant, so we've decided i just need to do whatever I can to survive until my time comes. I've decided There's no point in giving up on myself if there are still treatment options available. And my sudden decline has helped me to realise that no I'm not ready to die yet. There's still so many things I want to do and see, and if my family and doctors don't want to give up then why should I?

Caleb has been slowly getting better. Even though I haven't personally spoken to him since then, his parents have been talking to my parents and letting them know what's been going on. He's been moved out of the high dependency ward and back into a normal bed on the cancer ward. I do want to speak to him again, even though I'm exteremly hurt by what he said, I still want us to get along and be friends. And I really want him to get better so I can speak to him at home, in person, as I'm not going back to that hosptial if I don't have to.

In other news, in one week today it is Christmas Day. As it's been so hectic these past few weeks no one has really had the time to think about Christmas and buying presents and that. But it's nice because my entire family have come down, all my brothers and sisters, to celebrate. It feels like ages since we've all been together. Christy is the only one who's actually been there for me throughout all these hard times, but I understand why they all can't be. They have their own lives to lead and I don't intend on disrupting their futures because of my cancer.

Today my grandparents and my mums sister (my auntie Fran and Uncle Tom) are coming round for dinner. I haven't seen them in what feels like a long, time and in these few weeks so much she changed.
I'm sicker than I ever have been, but I don't want to show it. However the oxygen tubes will kind of given it away.
Currently I'm laying down on my side, watching an episode of dance moms that I've seen too many times. But it never gets boring, it's such an addictive programme, I don't know why I enjoy it so much I don't even dance. But the arguments they have in this programme just seem so pointless, as if they have no idea what is actually a thing to be stressing about. Who's doing a solo dance in the next competition is nothing to be arguing about when there are kids like me in the world who are arguing with their doctors on wether to let them die or not.
Anyway, rant over.