Diana (Z.M.)

Chapter Thirty-Three: Mom

Chapter Thirty-Three

Diana's P.O.V. 2012

      I think it's funny how the psych ward is all white. You would think that a hospital floor with schizophrenics, the suicidal, the depressed, and others with disorders would be more colorful or lively. It isn't. The walls are a plain white. It isn't a pure white, either. It's one of those off white colors. I can still see some dark smudges and bruises on the walls where people have touched them with dirty hands. 

      "Diana?" My mothers voice breaks into my thoughts and I remove my gaze from the filthy wall. She stands at my bedside a few feet away as if she is afraid of me. Her eyes are red and puffy, more than likely from the constant crying the past few days. Apparently, she was hurt by all the things I said to her a few days ago. I can imagine that the whole family wanted me to apologize, say that I was just being rash and that everything is okay. It isn't okay.

      It never was. 

      I haven't spoken with my mother since that day. I refuse to say a word to anyone but my doctors and nurses. Even then, I only mumble when I need to use the restroom, get a drink of water, or ask for the lowest calorie food. They don't give it to me, though. They force me to eat and watch every bite I take making sure I swallow it. They don't allow me to go to the bathroom after I eat, either. They're afraid that I may try to vomit it up. I don't blame them. 

      When time passes and I don't respond my mother speaks again. "Please talk to me." Her voice cracks as she pleads. I exhale in frustration as a pang of guilt resonates in my chest. My brain tells me that I shouldn't feel guilty. She caused a lot of my suffering. However, my heart takes over.

      "What?" I question. "What could you possible want to talk about?" 

      My sharp tone takes her aback, but a twinkle in her eye shows a bit of happiness that I actually responded to her. 

      "I just-I want to know why you did it? If you were hurting so bad why didn't you come to me?" 

      That little fire inside me ignites and I try hard to hold my tongue. I don't want to yell again. I've done enough of that. 

      "I tried to," my voice is surprisingly even. "Every time I came to you you thought I was making things up or just wanted attention. You were one of the people who harassed me about my weight. Every day at school I went through hell and I came back home to it at the end of the day. My mother, who is supposed to love me and actually care didn't. So tell me, why do you think I did it?" 

      Her bottom lip quivers and her eyes moisten with tears. She reaches to touch my hand but I snatch it away. "I'm sorry," she speaks softly. "I didn't realize that I was hurting you so much. I thought that you were just jealous of all the attention your brother gets and made up things. Di, I do love you and care about you and I-"

      "Then why make so many comments about my weight?" I don't allow her to finish her sentence. Her eyebrows furrow and even more sorrow and grief passes over her face. She doesn't say anything for a moment and I focus on the dripping IV bag.

      "I thought I was helping," she finally speaks. "I thought I was just motivating you to lose weight and eat healthy. I didn't realize I was hurting you. I never wanted to do that. I never wanted to be like my parents were to me." I reconnect my eyes with hers, unsure of what she means. She sighs and takes a seat beside me. 

      "When I was thirteen, my dad got me an ugly bag for my birthday. It was a paper bag with a picture of a pretty girl on it. That hurt me and I cried. I cried for days but he just said he was toughening me up. He said life wouldn't be easy and I don't need to get hurt by what other people say." Her voice cracks and her eyes moisten with tears. "I never meant to do that to you, Diana. I'm sorry. I wish I could go back and change things now. I just wish I would have known that you weren't eating that you didn't want to live. I didn't know that-"

       "That I hate myself?"

      She nods her head obviously uncomfortable with the idea that I wished to stop existing. She swallows hard and reaches out to grab my hand. I don't jerk away this time. Her eyes lock with mine and I realize now how alike we look. We have the same eyes and the same face shape, something that I never noticed before. "Whatever you need, Diana. I want to be here for you. I wasn't before but I am now and I want to make things right." 

       My heart swells in my chest and I immediately burst into tears. For so long I wanted someone to say that to me, to say that they are there for me. The only person who said that before was Zayn. Now, with the look in my mother's eyes, I know she is being honestly. I reach forward and wrap my arms around her, sobbing into her neck and releasing every bit of emotion I've withheld in fear of being judged. My body wracks with sorrow and pain but at the same time I feel something spark inside me that I haven't felt for a while. 

      Love. 

*Author's Note*

Hello everyone! I just want to say thank you so much for still standing by my side as I write this book. If you can't tell, this book is now a little past it's halfway point and will be finishing up within the next 10 chapters or so. You guys are amazing, every single one of you and it means the world to me that you keep reading, voting, and supporting this book. I am actually looking to get this published one way or another. This book has definitely changed my life. I love you guys and keep on keeping on! 

Love, Shelby