Diana (Z.M.)

Chapter Thirty-Two: Help

Chapter Thirty-Two

Diana's P.O.V. 2012

      My head pounds. Even through my closed eyelids the light is blinding. A monotonous beeping sounds in my ears and my stomach churns. My eyes seem to be sealed shut, their heaviness a new sensation to me. My mouth is dry. Spitting cotton seems probable. I try to swallow, moisten my mouth a bit. All I get are dry flakes of skin.

      I attempt to open my eyes. This mere act is tiring, but I need to know what my surroundings are. Sunlight begins to peek through and I regain my blurry vision. At first, all I can make out are white walls. Then other shapes begin to appear. I spot a desk with flowers on them. I look down and see tubes running up my arms. My nose is dry and irritated. I reach up to find a breathing tube and that's when everything becomes clear. I'm in a hospital.

      A nurse walks through the door and sends me a sympathetic smile. She nears my bed and pours me a cup of water, setting it on my bedside table. "You had us all scared for a good bit, there." She speaks. Her voice is soft and almost mesmerizing. The way she speaks is the way one would address a child or baby animal.

      "What happened?" I ask. She inhales deeply, apprehension evident in her eyes. She bites her lower lip anxiously.

      "Well, after your mother found you, you were rushed here. They pumped your stomach and have you on plenty of fluids. Luckily, the pain killers you took didn't cause any long term effects."

      I take it all in and think back. Now, it all seems fuzzy. I can only remember certain parts. I remember the song, "Little Things" that Zayn supposedly wrote for me. Oh God, Zayn. What does he think happened to me? Does he even know what's been going on?

      "Uh, ma'am." I begin with uncertainty and then read her name tag. "Um, Ms. Terri, can I see my phone now?" She shakes her head in denial.

      "Since you are on the psychiatric ward you cannot receive your things until the doctor has evaluated you. We need to make sure you will not try and harm yourself again."

      The question of how someone could kill themselves with a cellphone passed through my mind. I didn't ask it, though. I didn't want her thinking I was still suicidal.

      "Dr. Farinas will be in here momentarily. Also, I'll bring in your parents and let them know that you're awake." I nod in understanding as she leaves the room, shutting the door behind her.

      I couldn't even kill myself right. That's how much of a failure I was. Why did I have to throw up those pills? Everything would be okay right now. I would be gone. Mom and dad would have one less mouth to feed. It would be the dream life.

      You're here because you have a purpose.

      Zayn's voice resounds in my head once again.

      He tries to comfort me with candy coated lies. I don't have a purpose. A broken girl with an eating disorder and scars on her body cannot have a purpose. The pretty girls. The thin ones with no flaws and bones. Those are the girls that have purpose. They'll go on to do great things. 

      Those are lies. Everyone has a purpose.

      The door opens once more and my family comes rushing in. My mom, with fresh tears in her eyes engulfs me in a hug. Her body wracks with sobs and I am unsure on how I should react. Should I hug her back? Say I'm sorry? I cannot lie and say that I am sorry when I'm not. What can one possibly do in a time like this?

      "Please, never do that again! I was so scared that I lost you."

      She was scared to lose me? That is so unlike her. How can she have been scared to lose me when she was one of the reasons that I wanted to disappear? It's not like she was an innocent bystander. I was willing to take a bullet for her but she was behind the trigger. It probably seemed cold to my family, but I didn't respond to the hug. Now they act like they care.

      "Why did you do it? Didn't you know we would miss you? It would kill us to know that you were gone. Our lives would have been changed forever." My dads eyes are misty with tears and a lump forms in my throat. Did he really have no idea why I would have done this? I told him and mom countless times that people hated me at school. However, they just called me dramatic and told me that if I was more social maybe people would like me. It was my mother who called me a chunky monkey. It was her who praised me when I lost all the weight.

     Yet, they're acting so innocent.

       "Why did I do it?" My voice raises in anger. I feel my heartbeat accelerate within my chest. "I did it because I kept saying things were wrong but you didn't believe me! I did it because I felt worthless, I had nothing. Not even you guys loved me! I kept trying to reach out but nothing ever worked, yet you asked why I did it? Do you know what it's like to look in the mirror every single day and hate yourself? Not just your reflection but your voice, the way you think, everything? You have no idea what it's like and you made me feel that way! Don't act innocent!" 

      Hot tears stream down my face and I hear my heart rate monitor beep loudly and faster than before. The look on my parents face is pure shock and horror. Good, I don't care anymore. I should be gone anyway. Before they have the chance to say anything, a nurse swoops in and ushers them out of the room, saying that they were irritating me and a high heart rate could potentially kill me due to the pain killers I ingested earlier. 

      Soon they are out of the room and she draws closer to me, sitting on the edge of the bed encouraging me to breathe slower. I inhale, following her directions. My chest is tight, my head pounds, everything around me seems to be crashing down at once. I close my eyes and continue to breathe. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of feeling this way. I want out. I open my eyes again and I'm staring into the nurse's pale blue one's. With a shaky breath I finally speak to her.

      "Please, help me." 

*Author's Note*

Hey everyone! I'm so sorry it has taken so long to update. This summer has been crazy. I moved out for college and I had a lot of family and friend problems come up along the way. However, I will be writing again as I surely plan to. I'm sorry if it left you on a cliff hanger last chapter, it certainly is not the end of the book. I still have quite a few things that need to happen before this novel is finished. Thank you all so much for sticking with me during this time and staying dedicated to this book. I love you all and stay beautiful :) 

                                                                   - Shelby xx