Diana (Z.M.)

Chapter Sixteen: Truth

Chapter Sixteen

Diana's P.O.V. 2012

        One laxative pill. Two sips of water. Three months with minimum food. Four times a cutter. Five days until the One Direction concert.

        I honestly don't know why I'm so excited for the concert. They have to be shallow if they're Rachel's favorite band. Regardless of this, my heart still beats in my chest everytime the countdown gets closer. I haven't heard any of their music because I want to be surprised when the day of the actual concert comes. I have looked up the members though. 

        Harry Styles, apparently he's the popular one, has brown curls and bright green eyes. Then there is Niall Horan. He's blonde and the only irish one in the band. I personally think he's adorable. Zayn Malik is the dark headed one and the only word I can find to describe him is beautiful. There is just something captivating about him that I can't seem to put my finger on. The next one is Louis Tomlinson. He looks like the youngest but is actually the oldest. The final one is Liam Payne. I sometimes get him confused with Harry because of the curls but his brown eyes split the similarity. 

        Obviously, Rachel believes that they are all attractive. She is correct. All of them are absolutely stunning and every now and then my excitement turns to worry. I don't want them thinking that I'm ugly or not pretty enough to be talking to them. Compared to Rachel, I look like a fat rat. 

        This is why I've been working even harder to lose weight: even less food, more running, and about two hundred sit-ups a day. I am getting smaller. Yesterday I threw away my size 9 jeans and now wear a size five. That still isn't small enough, though. The girls at school are a size three at the biggest. 

        I stare at the wall of my room for the hundredth time today. I keep my promise and write in that journal everyday. Obviously, I fill the pages with lies and statements that'll pacify my teacher. However, I can't find myself to write how amazing my life is when I feel like it is breaking apart. I stare at the leather cover. It is covered in doodles and mindless drawings as a result of my boring summer. Everyone at school hates me, even Rachel who only acts like a friend. Luis and his family returned to Mexico for the Summer. They're supposed to be back in August.

        My wrists itch and I scratch to stop the irritation but wince in pain. The marks aren't healed from the last episode. I stare down at my throbbing wrist and trace my thumbs over the lacerations. I'm still not tough enough. I can't stop until I'm unbreakable. 

        "Diana, what do you want for lunch!" My mother's voice sounds loudly and I pull down my long sleeves. Almost immediately after, she peeks her head in through the door. 

        "Nothing, I had a late breakfast." 

        A look passes over her face but she nods in compliance. "Okay, just let me know when you are hungry." I agree and she leaves the room. If only she knew that I am never hungry. My stomach used to growl in demand for food. After the first month of going with minimum food it stopped complaining. Now, when I eat my stomach screams in protest, paining me until I get rid of the calories. 

        I always listen to what it wants. 

        I want you to be skinny. I want you to be beautiful.

        All I want is to be beautiful and accepted. I want to be able to walk through the halls of my school and not be ridiculed. I want to get asked out on dates. I want to be cared about. I want to be like those people who have so many friends and so many people who care about everything they're doing. 

        You can, bones. Boys want bones.

        Bones. Boys desire skinny girls, skinny and pretty girls. They want everything I am not. As I continue to stare at my wall I realize that my writer's block is gone. I'm done with writing lies and acting like I'm okay. It's all over for me now. I'm going to write the truth and I hope that whoever reads it feels awful. I hope they feel the hurt and sadness that I do.

        I set my pen to the paper and quickly scribe. Mindlessly, I write, not caring what I say or how rude it sounds. I just tell everything how it is. How I feel. How I hurt. How I know everyone hates me. How I want to be beautiful. I write it all. 

        Once I am finished, three pages are written. I read them over and smile to myself.

         For the first time in a long time, I'm telling the truth. 

*Author's Note*

Hey everyone! First of all, I can't believe that Diana is at 13.2K reads! That is absolutely insane. I cannot thank you guys enough for reading this story. It means so much to me and it just makes me so happy to see that I am helping some of you guys who relate to this. This chapter was kind of a filler but it's almost time for the concert! What do you guys think will happen at the concert? I'd love to hear what you guys think in the comments. Please, continue sharing, reading, commenting, voting, and following! All of you guys are the best! Lets see how many more reads we can get to! I love you guys so much! I hope you have a great week and I'll post as soon as I can! Stay beautiful x

Shelby Xx