Find The Beauty Within: The Pain and The Struggle

What The Fuck?

    Normani's POV:

    "The more pictures you see, the better you are as a photographer." -Robert Mapplethorpe.

"She breaks everyone's hearts." That hurt more than it should've. Had Dinah completely forgot that she had broken me first? Had she forgotten the multiple times she had shut me out? Or did it all not matter to her what I felt? Was she the only one allowed to be heartbroken? No! It wasn't fair. And as for Kehlani, I broke her heart because she broke mine. I wasn't the one who decided to get involved with drugs, and alcohol. I wasn't the one who decided it was okay to cheat on my girlfriend. She changed because of the people she hung out with, she hurt me—and rightfully so, I left because of it.

I should've said that. Should've outed her when I had the chance, but Dinah looked happy without me for once, and because she respected my relationship, I decided to respect hers.

But that didn't mean I wasn't angry with her for choosing Kehlani over me, and for saying what she had.

That fight? A fucking ploy. Zendaya and I had no need to argue over Dinah, but I needed an excuse to see her, needed an excuse for a hug. But instead I was greeted with my ex girlfriend and my...ex...whatever...flaunting their new relationship. And of course both had to team up and trash me.

Because Normani is the bad guy. Because Normani breaks hearts left and right for the fucking hell of it.

It wasn't fair. How could the two girls that had broken me more than I ever though imaginable, find love in the arms of each other? How could they sit there and talk as if I was the one to do major damage, and pretend to be Angels? Leaving out the part where they both crushed my soul.

But two could play at that game.

I told Dinah that I would "come back," but that wasn't the truth. I had had enough of it all. She wasn't taking responsibility for her actions, and now she was causing me more pain than she thought. I couldn't take it. Of course, I wasn't innocent either, but at least I knew that. At least I could admit to my wrongs, my faults. She couldn't, and neither could Kehlani. I guess their meant for each other after all. A match made in fucking heaven.

"Together?" Ally exclaimed. "Kehlani and Dinah?"

I hummed in response, keeping my eyes trained on the television in our old home. At times, I missed living with Ally. Missed all the time we used to spend together and the silly fights over where she hid my camera.

"Doesn't that bother you?"

"Who gives a fuck?" I said, shrugging my shoulders. "They're made for each other. Fucking lying-"

"Normani!" Ally scolded, raising an eyebrow.

I pouted, shaking my head. "Sorry, but it's true. I mean, how could Kehlani just lie in front of Dinah like that? And Dinah, too! How could they both throw me under the bus when they broke my heart, too!"

Ally went to speak, but I cut her off. "I acknowledged my mistakes, acknowledged that I hurt them both, so why couldn't they do that, huh? Why'd the have to blame it on me? Why's it always my fault?"

I began to sob uncontrollably, remembering each and every time I was blamed for something that wasn't my fault. Blamed for when my mother left my father, blamed for when my father hit me, blamed for when a random guy groped me on a day I was walking home alone because my father could be bothered to pick me up. But of course, Dinah didn't know that, because she didn't care enough to ask.

"What the fuck?" I whispered, the realization hitting me. "She doesn't care."

Ally had me clutched in her arms as she stroked my hair. "Yes she does. Don't say that."

I ripped myself from her embrace, chuckling bitterly as I ran my hands through my hair. "Don't say what? That she doesn't fucking care?" I spat. "She doesn't, Ally! She doesn't because she never cared to ask about me. She fucked with my head, Ally, why can't you see that?"

"I do," she whispered. "But I-"

"Just save it, Ally," I interrupted. "I need to go."

I slammed the door on my way out, feeling my anger rise with each new thought. How could I have been so foolish? How could I let her play me the way she had?

I felt like a complete idiot. And my emotions were starting to get the best of me, so I went to the only place I knew that could help me shut it off.

"Why the fuck are you here?" Liam asked me as I entered the bar. "Haven't you learned your lesson?"

"Kick me out when you think I've reached my limit," I responded simply. Of course he glared at me, but I could tell that he knew I was in no mood to argue.

He slid a few shots my way, allowing me to down them in an instant. Soon a few turned into more, and more turned into what felt like I had drank myself oblivion, but keeping his promise, Liam personally kicked me out. He drove me home, helped me upstairs, and even calmed my girlfriend down while I lied in bed, drunk out of my mind.

My head was pounding the next morning, but that pain was nothing compared to the heartbreaking look on Zendaya's face.

"You promised you wouldn't," she whispered, tears brimming her hazel eyes.

"I know," I said softly, scooting closer to her. Tentatively, I wrapped my arms around her and she fell into my embrace. "I'm sorry I broke my promise, but I'm okay."

"What h-happened?" she breathed. I could tell that she was crying, and that only made me feel worse.

"Dinah and I had a fight."

"About?" Zendaya pressed.

I let out a soft sigh, kissing her hair lightly. "It's nothing, Z. Please don't worry. It's whatever now."

"If it was whatever, you wouldn't have gone to the bar. You know how I feel about that. Why didn't you just come talk to me?"

I pursed my lips. "I don't know. I just...I couldn't. I was too overwhelmed and angry and I needed to calm down."

She snuggled closer to me, wrapping her arms around my waist. "I get that, I do," she told me. "But can you please find something else to calm you down? It isn't fair when you have August and I going crazy worrying about you, and it's not healthy for you."

Suddenly, I felt like an even bigger asshole, thinking of the small child who loved me more than he loved life itself. "You're right," I whispered, kissing her head softly. "I'm so sorry."

"S'okay," she responded groggily. "Call DJ. Talk to her."

I shook my head, fighting off the anger that had startled to bubble in my stomach at the sound of her name.

"No," I responded. "No, I'm good. Dinah and I are done. I won't be calling her anymore."

And I meant what I said. There was no way in hell I was ever going to call Dinah again.

A/N: This chapter sucks. But Kehlani though. She's 😍.
-Simba. 💜