Find The Beauty Within: The Pain and The Struggle

I Deserve It

"you can look at a picture for a week and never think of it again. you can also look at a picture for a second and think of it all your life." -Joan Miro

A/N: just a warning , there is self harm . so if you uncomfortable please don't read . because the first parts are about it then I talk about it again near the end . if you see x's then you can skip that part containing the self harm. I hope that'll be easier .

Dinah pov

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the words she said to me that day keep repeating in my head . I couldn't stop it from reiterating the same things. I deserved those cold , harsh words from normani . I shut her out after her repeatedly texting me throughout the week . I just couldn't bring myself to text her so I walked up to her door a week later to try to apologize . she hurt me , I hurt her , then she hurts me again . it's not like I wasn't expecting it because to be honest , I kinda was .

I looked down at my left arm to see red . in my right hand was the blade that I've been holding for as long as I can remember . those words piercing into my head , my heart. it's been so long since I did this but I never had a reason to . until now. normani is slowly breaking me and she doesn't even know it . the fact that I'm cutting myself over a woman who doesn't love me is something I'd never imagine . I wish that normani was the one and that I'd still have her but I pushed her away . I pushed her to the point to where she doesn't give a damn anymore . she's over me . she has a family she's always wanted . someone she loves that's not me .

I heard the door open and the blade slip away from my grip . I looked up to see a very angry Lauren and Camila standing in the back with the phone in her hand as she nervously chewed her lip. I couldn't hear anything that Lauren was screaming because it all went quiet and my vision was blurring . I could feel her trying to shake me but my eyes slowly closed and I didn't stop it . I was ready to die if that was the case. I don't want to be here watching normani love someone else .

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all I could see was white , my body ached and I found bandages wrapped around me . I tried to adjust my eyes to the bright light that is shining into the room . when it finally did , I tried to move my hand to scratch my cheek but I couldn't . there was something on it so I tried the other one . didn't work out either . I looked down to find Lauren on my left laying on my hand and Camila on my right doing the exact same thing . I wanted to speak but I couldn't form any words and if I did , it never came out .

Lauren began to stir and slowly opened her eyes . I held my breath in fear that I woke her up . when she turned her head to the other side and fell back asleep , I let out the breath I was holding . I leaned back into the pillows and looked at the white ceiling above. flashes of my past started to flow through my mind. I tried my hardest not to close my eyes . either way , the memories kept coming and I ended up screaming . I felt hands on me trying to shake me but I couldn't stop the memories .

"Dinah ! snap out of it !" I hear Lauren scream.

I couldn't do it . the memories kept flashing before my eyes and I just wanted it to stop . I wanted the hurt to go away . I wanted my past gone . I don't want to go through it all over again . I can't be that insecure girl again . I have to be strong . I can't let my past interfere with my future . I have to get out of this daydream or whatever it is I'm in . my mind flashed white and all I saw was normani . she was smiling at me and holding her hand out . when I tried to reach out to grab it , it disappeared and images of her , zendaya and August starting flashing through . I was watching them be happy . all of those memories that I witnessed being with them , with normani as her best friend . those hurt the most to me because I watched the love of my life be with someone else and have a family.

"Dinah!" a familiar voice screamed out .

I looked around me and everything was just blank . I was surrounded by white walls . I couldn't see anything . I could only hear her voice echoing through my head . why am I here ? what is the point of this ? I just want to wake up from this horrid dream . please.

my eyes snapped open and I took some heavy breaths . I felt like I wasn't breathing . I looked around to see Lauren and Camila looking at me with worried expressions . I saw normani standing in the corner with her back facing me . I saw her body shake every time she took a breath . why was she here ? what is her purpose ? what exactly happened?

"are you okay ?" Camila asked in a soft voice .

I looked at her and took her hand in mine . I brought it up to my lips and kissed it before setting it back down .

"what happened ?"

"you were going into cardiac arrest ."

"how long ?"

"we don't know . all we heard was you screaming then Lauren tried waking you up but when you didn't , we got so scared because you stopped breathing . we had normani call the doctor as soon as she came back from wherever she was. they were almost unsuccessful with trying to bring you back so normani tried to say your name and you came back to us ."

I looked around the room again . I watched the nurses and doctors leaving the room . I sat up and Lauren tried to help me but I dismissed her hand . I softly called out Normani's name . she didn't answer but I could tell she was listening .

"please come here." I said , as she slowly turned around to face me with her wet, glistening face .

the sight broke my heart because I did this to her . I made her worry . she slowly walked to the bed and sat at the edge of it . I scooted closer to her before engulfing her into a hug . I could feel her hot tears fall onto my shirt and that made me hold her tighter .

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"why did you do this ? why hurt yourself and almost kill yourself ?"

"the words you said to me kept repeating through my head and I couldn't make them stop . so I did what I usually did when I had harsh words said to me . I began to cut myself . it helped relieve it at some point but then the words kept coming back and it hurt even more so I dug the blade into my skin again . that time deeper . that's when Lauren and Camila came . I was going in and out of consciousness . then I wake up here in the hospital just like the first experience ."

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Lauren and Camila left after I held normani . they understood that I needed to be alone with her . I kissed Normani's head and listened to her cry even if it made my stomach twist . I hated that I did this to her .

"please don't cry over me . I'm not important . you have zendaya and August to worry about . you shouldn't be here with me . you should be with them , being happy ."

"how can you say that ? you are incredibly important to me . do you not know how many things I sacrificed to be with you ?"

"you didn't have to ! why did you waste on me ? you have such a beautiful woman and a cute boy waiting for you ! you should be with them right now ."

I scooted away from her until my back hit the wall and I curled up into a ball . I covered my face and ended up crying . I could hear her come close but then the weight of the bed lessened , indicating she got up . I heard her mumble something but it was incoherent and then the door slammed . why did I always screw up ?

A/N: I wanted to make up for me taking so long for posting the first chapter . this one came alittle bit easier but I hope you're enjoying this . I feel bad making you guys hurt but we gotta get through the pain before we can get to the beauty . so keep reading this story and tell us what you think .
   -J.N.