Wings | ✓

1. a wish

i know that i'm going to die soon. and i know, you must be thinking wow, she's just a bundle of sunshine, isn't she?

and yes, i am. a bundle of sunshine, i mean. where else am i going to find any source of sunlight in this dark hospital room? there aren't any windows here. i haven't seen the sun in ages.

i know you might think that i must be such a miserable person, locked in a dark room just awaiting my death, but trust me, i'm not. it's all i've ever known. perhaps if i lived a perfectly normal life before i was diagnosed with my illness, i would be a little sad and nostalgic about my life before the hospital, but i'm not. i've been here for such a long time i begin to forget how to differentiate the word 'home' from 'ward'. and that's okay. i quite like my little ward, anyway. the nurses brought a pack of those cute glow-in-the-dark stars to stick on the walls and it really makes the room feel a little more homey.

it's not too bad here, you see. the hospital staff are lovely and my doctor is a real nice guy. they're always smiling and they always ask hello, ava. you look swell. are you feeling okay? and i always say thank you, i'm feeling quite alright. and they smile and nod and tell me that that's fantastic news.

my doctor's name is doctor klarkson, but we're past the formalities and now i just call him by his first name, greg. he's what i'd like to think my dad would turn out to be, cause he's really nice and he gives me lollipops after he comes to check up on me. i know he's not supposed to give me sweets to eat because i remember a nurse saying that it's bad for my health, but he knows how much i love sweets and he says that a little won't hurt. don't you think that's great?

i guess my only complaint is that it's pretty boring and lonely here sometimes. when the nurses visit, it's not too bad, but they only ever visit when something's wrong. i only see greg on sundays when he comes to give me a weekly check up. i know i'm not the only one here, cause i can hear some people in the rooms next to mine. but they're usually screaming and greg says it's because they're in pain. he doesn't tell me anything else.

i know it must be so selfish of me to ask for more from greg and the nurses but i just wish i had a friend. a proper one and not one that i plucked out of the hand-me-down books gifted to me by the nurses. i don't want to be asking for too much; i don't even need someone that wants to talk to me every single day, even though that would be nice. just someone to talk to every so often.

gosh, even thinking about asking for anything more from what they've already given me makes me feel horrid. i'm so selfish.