Trepidation | Sitkolson [ C ]

Chapter 11 | Possibilities

4 YEARS EARLIER 
--TRIGGER WARNING--

I sat with my back against the bathroom door, tears streaming down my face as I squeezed my eyes shut to try and block out my father's yelling.

"You never were good enough!" He yelled, repeatedly hitting the wall, "You can't accept anything!"

I didn't bother opening my mouth to argue anymore, because I was simply done. I couldn't take it anymore. I was more than aware that this wasn't a stable environment, but where else could I go? I had no one, and nothing. Not anywhere that didn't involve taking a plane to get to. I was alone, whether I wanted to admit it or not.

I heard him smash and hit more things, then the front door slam, and I took a deep breath before pushing myself off of the ground.

I walked to the mirror, watching as more and more tears fell from my eyes, making my cheeks red and puffy.

You'd think that after three years of fighting he'd understand just how much damage he does. You'd think after three years he'd actually care. But I was stupid if I thought he would ever care about me. Thinking he had empathy was just as stupid.

Looking at myself in the mirror brought more tears to my eyes and I quickly turned away, tugging on my hair with a sob.

I always heard that there were things to take away the pain with. People said that hurting yourself was like a pain reliever, because you were replacing it. They said it hurt less because it took your mind off of everything that was going on. And that's what I wanted. I didn't want everything to end, just the pain. If I could take away the pain and replace it with something else, I'd definitely do that. So, that's what I did. I did what people said helped...

The first few times, it stung a lot, but they were only scratch like cuts, but, as I moved down my arm, they started to hurt less and got deeper. I crossed over a few, just to make some crosses, and that hurt more than I liked to admit. They all did, really, but it was like I forgot about my dad and everything he said to me.

When I threw the blade away, I stared down at my bloody arms, my eyes wide.

I only had one question running through my head; What have I done?

I regretted it. Straight after, just looking down at my arm, I regretted my actions. Yes, it took the pain away, but it was only replaced with guilt, because all I could do was tell myself that I had just fucked up–big time. It seemed like a good idea at first, but I didn't realise just how stupid it was. Just looking down at my arm made me cry worse, because I knew it was a mistake. It was a big one, too.

| | |

"Ricky!"

I looked up from my book, my eyes wide as I stared at the multiple sentences on the board.

"Want to let everyone know what chapter this was in?" The teacher asked, pointing to one of the events on the board.

"Uh..." I bit my lip, frowning.

"Ten."

I looked beside me, frowning at Ryan.

Dismissing the trouble I had, the teacher continued teaching the lesson, but I didn't bother paying attention again.

"I didn't know you were in this class." I mumbled to Ryan, frowning up at him.

He shrugged, "I've always been here. You just haven't noticed me."

"I... You haven't been here everyday. I would've seen if you were." I said, my voice small.

"Yeah?" He asked, looking to me, "Considering I've been in this class almost everyday since you came here."

Before I could argue, Ryan stood up and left the class, no one daring to stop him.

He had the shortest temper, it wasn't even funny. If you didn't agree with him, he'd defend himself, then get angry. If something was wrong and no one believed him, he'd get angry. I wasn't going to let him be angry at me, though. I knew what it was like to have no friends, and I didn't want him having no one. No matter how many times he tells me to leave him alone.

I stuffed my books into my bag and ran after him, not caring about the teacher yelling at me to get back.

When I caught up to him, I pushed him into the locker, not expecting him to grab my arms and slam me against it.

As soon he saw it was me, he loosened his grip, but didn't remove his hands.

"What the fuck, Ricky?" He asked, looking at me like I was crazy.

I gulped, then opened my mouth to speak, "Stop."

"Stop what?" Ryan hissed, glaring at me.

"You keep letting me in, then kicking me out. Just make up your mind already." I said, sighing slightly.

"I don't want you around me." He growled, letting go of my arms and taking a step back.

I let out a frustrated groan, "What about at camp? When you told me almost everything about you," I threw my head back against the locker, "You wouldn't just tell someone you didn't like that. You wouldn't."

"Why'd you?" He asked, still glaring, "Or was it a lie?"

I shook my head, "I wouldn't lie about that. And I told you because I want to be your friend. That's all."

He looked away from me, then turned his back.

I could tell by the way his shoulders were slouched that he was upset. Maybe he knew I was right, or maybe he was just sick of me trying to befriend him. I wasn't. Everyone needed friends, even if you liked to stay independent.

Don't even asked what demon possessed me when I ran forward and wrapped my arms around his torso, because I don't really know.

I hugged him from behind, resting my head on his back.

I heard him sigh, then felt him rest a hand on mine.

Smiling, I pressed my cheek to his back, closing my eyes.

I didn't really care if someone happened to walk by, because I knew he needed some sort of comfort. What comfort a hug from me would bring, I didn't know, but it was a start.

"Does this mean I can be your friend?" I asked, my voice slightly muffled by his shirt.

Ryan waited a few seconds before mumbling, "Only for a little while..."

I grinned and hugged him tighter, chuckling at the small gasp he made from losing his breath.

Like I said, it was a start.

--

A/N: Sorry for not updating any of my fics lately.. A lot of has been going on, and I've been having next to no motivation with writing. The only fic that'll be updated regularly is Wishbone because I have almost 9 chapters drafted. 😂😅   xxx