Trepidation | Sitkolson [ C ]

Chapter 4 | Explanations

I said a small 'hi' to Jenna as I made my way inside.

After being in Scranton for almost a week, my curiosity got the better of me. I had one more conversation with Ryan–a tiny one–and everyone freaked. Not literally, but people I had never even heard of had told me to stay away from him. I hated it! I wanted to know what was so bad about him, because I hadn't seen any of it. From my end, he was as nice as Devin.

After throwing my bag in my room, I walked to Devin's.

I knocked on his door, "Hey, can I, uh, talk to you?"

He smiled, shutting his laptop, "Yeah, of course."

I sauntered to his bed, sitting across from him, "I... Why don't people like Ryan?" I asked, my voice small.

He looked down and started playing with his fingers, "If I tell you, promise me you won't bring it up again."

I nodded, "I promise."

He took a deep breath, slowly exhaling, "Two years ago, we were all friends. Ryan, Kuza, Franccesca, Ange, Chris, all of us. We were all close. There- Josh's girlfriend and brother were also close with us," He lifted his head and focused on the wall as tears started to slowly fall down his cheeks, "On Halloween that year, Ryan, Vinny, Angelo and Ryan Ashley went to some abandoned house. Ryan used to smoke, too. They... He... Whilst the others were still inside, he set fire to the house. I-I don't know why, but he did. Angelo made it out, but-but Vinny and Ryan Ashley didn't.

Ryan disappeared for months after that, then showed up around March the next year. In those few months, everything changed. Chris and Angelo broke contact with us. Neither of them spoke to anyone apart from each other, and that's when they're alone, not in public. Kuza and Franccesca stayed with Ryan. They think he didn't do it, but.. who else could've? And, Josh.. He lost his brother and girlfriend in one night. I could tell he cared about them both more than anything, but they were both ripped from him like that," Devin let out a sob, dropping his head, "Y-You want to know the worst part? Ryan never even apologised to anyone. He-He didn't even look in our direction, and when he did, he had nothing in his eyes.

No one saw him at Vinny and Ryan Ashley's funeral. All he did was nothing. You'd think that... that after killing two–almost three–of his friends, he'd do something, but he did nothing. That's why it's just you, Kylie, Josh and Jenna. I can't let anyone else in, because I can't lose anyone else."

I watched as the endless amount of tears rolled down his cheeks. I felt some running down mine, too.

I knew it would be bad because of how many people told me to stay away from Ryan, but I didn't think it would be murder. I didn't think it would be so bad, that I found myself questioning being in the same class as him. He didn't look like he could murder anyone, and that's what made me feel even worse, because it was probably something he couldn't have controlled. But, just seeing Devin cry this much made me regret asking, because I was the one that made him that sad.

I moved closer to him and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him in for a hug.

I didn't think his cries could get any worse, but they did. He clutched onto my shirt as his tears dampened it, my own tears doing the same with his sweater.

In the week I was there, I saw how close Kylie, Josh and Devin were. Now I knew why.

There friendship with others broke, but they stuck together, because they knew they were stronger like that; together. It's obvious they looked out for each other every day, just incase something were to happen. Something like what happened in their past.

I just... I couldn't wrap my head around how Ryan.. murdered.. two of his best friends. He didn't look like he had that blood on his hands. Maybe he'd just gotten good at hiding things...

| | |

As I sat in my History class, I could feel my nerves rising. Again, I found myself sitting next to Ryan. But, I wasn't in the mood for talking. I couldn't get the image of Devin's tears out of my head, and the reason behind them.

In the small time of knowing him, I looked at him as a younger brother. Though, it was a little early to actually decide, I did see him as an incredibly close friend.

Same goes for Josh and Kylie.

I didn't know them as much as I knew Devin, because I didn't live with them, but they were just as nice.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ryan looking at me, causing me to look down at my book.

After finding out what he did, I had actually started to fear him. I felt as if he didn't do it, but I couldn't help but be afraid. I didn't want to be scared of him, but it was the only emotion that would actually work when I looked at him.

I heard him sigh, then mumble, "Did I do something?"

I quickly shook my head, "N-No, it's just... Um... Never mind.."

It was silent for a few seconds before he spoke up again, his voice just above a whisper, "He told you, didn't he?"

I looked at him from the corner of my eye, slowly nodding my head, "Yeah.."

He tapped his pen on his desk a few times before pushing his chair back, grabbing his bag and leaving the room.

I could feel everyone's stares, but I simply kept my head down.

Like I said, I didn't want to be afraid, but I couldn't find anything else to feel when it came to him. Fear was all I could muster, and fear is what I carried out. I wanted to be able to look at him without being scared, but it got harder as the seconds went by.

"You really should've listened to people," A soft voice said, "It would've been easier on you."

I looked up, seeing either Chris or Angelo sitting at one of the desks in front of me.

"I'm sorry, are you Chris, or Angelo?" I asked, frowning.

"I'm Angelo."

That explained it. His voice was barely even audible. I guess that's what Devin meant..

"What do you mean?"

He gave me a sad smile, "That... It's-It's always a sensitive subject.. I don't know why he even acknowledges you, but he does."

Angelo sounded as if he could stutter on every word he spoke, which just showed that he rarely did use his voice. But it was also insanely calming.

"I'm just me," I mumbled, "Nothing special."

He gave me another sad smile, "It's always the ones who believe they aren't special who end up holding most meaning to someone. You just need to find that someone, then you'll see just how special you really are."

I will admit, I was a bit blown away. In my whole eighteen years of living, I had never heard such deep words outside of music. Whether Angelo was some physic or not, I didn't know, but I found myself trusting his words and hoping for the best. But, Ryan was still on my mind.

I may not have been staring at him, but I could still see the look in his eyes as he left the room. Kuza and Franccesca were most likely all he had. Maybe he thought he could make a friend out of me, maybe he didn't. Just because people saw him as a murderer and nothing more doesn't mean I had to. He was human. We're all the same, so why aren't we treated the same? We all need to be loved, because without it we begin to get empty. He may've tried to hide it, but I could still see how empty Ryan was. And, eventually, he'd have nothing and no one left. Even if I didn't know him, I didn't want that to happen. Even if he was believed to have done the things he did, he didn't deserve to be alone. I didn't want him to be...