Love Shy

Chapter Nineteen

Eventually my body gave up on me and I slumped against the wall. leaning over as my body heaved huge dry sobs out with out taking any oxygen in. My eyes felt like they were glued shut as I waited for my breathing to return to normal. I slid down the wall until I was on the floor. I rested my hands against my face and propped my elbows on my knees. After what seemed like an eternity of staring off into space I took in my surroundings. the large iron gates looked imposing and intimidating against the moon but I wasn't scared as I stood wiping my nose on the back of my hand. A sudden calm came over me as I made my way to the entrance of the cemetery. I knew I could squeeze through the giant bars and did so quickly and quietly before changing my mind. I had never been to see mum in the dark but I knew the path we normally took and found her grave easily. Flopping down on the grass in front of the beautiful headstone with my mums picture on it I let out a deep sigh. I was suddenly grateful for the tracksuit I had thrown on as a chill swept through the air. luckily I wasn't enveloped into complete darkness as there was a few street lamps scattered around the grave yard. The church sat high on the grassland tucked away from the edge of the high road. I plucked at the grass between my feet as I sat in silence looking at the beautiful building. I never spoke to mum aloud. dad always spoke to her like she would respond when we came here. filling her in on how we were doing and what we had been up to. I looked at the headstone thinking hard. taking a look around to ensure I was alone I licked my lips and scooted closer "ma?" my voice sounded strange to my own ears but I kept on. "I dunno what to do ma. I feel like im going crazy. tonight was meant to be so amazing. he ruined it, he ruined it all.." I spilled out all of my feelings telling my mums headstone everything. Even the embarrassing bits which I assumed she already knew about considering she was looking down on me. I felt the relief flooding through me with each secret and fear I voiced. I ignored the constant vibrating of my phone in my pocket and continued with my story until I had nothing else to say. I let out one final breath of air and pushed away the tears that were moving down my cheeks. "and the worse thing is I still love him ma, I still want him. is that wrong?"

"I don't think so"

The scream that left my throat could have shattered glass as I spun around and jumped to my feet in shock.

"woah woah I didn't mean to scare you"

The stranger had their hands up to show they meant no harm. I backed away none the less. "how long have you been there?" I accused pointedly still clutching my racing heart. "I think I arrived when Jamal dropped off your Christmas present" he said and laughed softly then noticed my horrified face and quickly began apologising. "im sorry I wasn't trying to eavesdrop, I saw you when you came in and wanted to check you was ok. then when I came over you were so caught up in your story I didn't want to interrupt. and then I became intrigued. you been through some real bullshit im sorry." I cringed thinking of the things he must have heard and felt like crying all over again. "Im Jordan" he said reaching out his hand to me. I looked down at it un impressed. "why are you here at this time?" I asked suspicious of the strange boy in the black tracksuit. "I come here to think when I cant sleep. you? actually I know you don't have to tell me, happy birthday by the way" I nodded and shook his hand slowly. my phone vibrated for the millionth time in my pocket and I tutted as I took it out. "your dad?" he asked and I shook my head frowning. "my boyfr.. my ex" I stuffed my phone back in my pocket feeling my self go red. Jordan nodded and gave me a sympathetic smile. "you got a name?" he asked stuffing his hands in his pocket. "shy" I whispered feeling beyond stupid and slightly weird standing in front of my mums grave with a stranger at one in the morning. I looked at the headstone and sighed I wasn't ready to leave but this guy had kind of made it difficult to stay. "sorry for your loss" he piped up looking at the headstone and I nodded my thanks. "who are you visiting?" I asked and he sighed "my big brother" I said sorry and he shrugged as he searched his pockets and pulled out a zoot and proceeded to light it inhaling deeply before offering me the but. I shook my head and he nodded smiling "good girl huh, how old are you shy?" walking away from the grave so he wasn't flicking his ash on anyone he studied me from a distance, his grey eyes shining in the light from the street lamps. "fifteen today" I huffed realising it was my birthday and it was a disaster. "you?" he looked surprised at my answer but didn't question it further. "ill be seventeen in two weeks" he said quietly and I nodded awkwardly not really knowing where this was going. "you know its real late for a girl to be wondering street at this time shy. I understand what happened tonight but just be careful. sounds like you already know first hand how man can be. don't put your self in a position where your vulnerable you feel me?" he noticed my tearful expression and sighed "wanna talk about it?" he asked and I stared at him for long minutes before shaking my head. he laughed and I was drawn to his dimples and husky chuckle. he had a neat goatee and sideburns that connected and his dark black curls covered his head cut low. he was probably the same complexion as me and only slightly taller but his build made him look even bigger, his shoulders were broad and his biceps bulged even in the loose fitting track top. "boxing" he said as if in answer to my silent questions and I flushed red knowing I had been caught staring. he laughed and again and shrugged. "you blush that's mad cute. listen its no biggy. I would be lying if I said I weren't checking you out." that made me feel even worse as I knew I looked awful but I didn't utter a word. "listen its late you really should get your self home. wanna lift?" I shook my head knowing better than to get into a random guys car and then stopped "your not old enough to drive?" I questioned and he chuckled again cocking his head to the side to stare at me before taking a pull of his cigarette. "correction. im not old enough to drive legally." my eyes opened wide and I shook my head a little more vigorously and he sighed. "relax I got my brothers drivers licence if we get stopped which we wont and the cars paper work is all legit I been driving since fourteen calm." I declined again and he huffed flicking his but off into the distance he slumped down onto the grass and leaned back on his elbow as he played on his phone. I stood watching him confused. "aren't you going?" he looked up at me as if I was stupid. "you think im gonna just let you go home by your self? im calling you a cab. and they might take a while cos its Saturday night so might as well chill." I began to protest but was silenced by the option to get in the cab or in his car. I slumped down beside him and we sat in silence for a few minutes before it became too much for me. "so you know my story so what's yours?" he looked up at the sky thoughtfully before answering. "I don't have no dramas like you. my life's simple. I left school last June been professional boxing ever since. took up boxing when I was four. live with my mum and older brother. my other brother got shot two years ago and my dads in pen. if he ever gets out ill kill him. end of story. what you gonna do about Rio?" I wasn't ready to let go of his story just yet and I definitely didn't want to get into a Rio discussion so I probed further. I didn't want to sound insensitive but curiosity got the better of me and I had to ask about his dad. he kissed his teeth and sat up. "he's a waste of space. thinks hitting my mum is the way to be a man. he's just a bully. its one of the reasons why I stuck with boxing. so I would be able to protect us if need be." I nodded my head thinking of what else to ask. "kids?" I asked and he laughed "nah I don't play them scatty games."I smiled at his answer but before I could continue my investigation his phone rang alerting us that the cab was outside the gate. He walked with me to the gate talking as we moved. "look shy im sorry for the bullshit dude is putting you through. if you go back just remember to let him know you ain't a push over. and if you don't then make sure you don't do a rebound ting with another yout it will make you feel shit." I laughed at his advise wondering how he was so wise. he laughed with me and we both squeezed back through the gate before he directed me towards the waiting cab. my phone was vibrating once again in my pocket and I gritted my teeth. "listen shy obviously your phone ain't gonna rest long enough for me to put my number in it but give me yours and ill text you. not on no link ting cos I know your situation and I ain't inna no madness but just to be cool init." I thought about it briefly before giving him my number and he opened the car door for me. I gave the cab man my post code and he said it would be six pound but I wasn't really paying attention as Jordan leant inside the open window. "take care of your self beautiful. call me if you need me yea? yo boss make sure she gets home safe cuz." with that he placed twenty pound in the cab drivers hand and walked off. I sat back in the soft interior and let my mind drift as the warmth of the car took over me I got out my phone and looked down at 108 missed calls wow and 21 texts. My brothers had each attempted to call multiple times and had left furious text messages, my dads pleas were more desperate and he rang more times eventually threatening to call the police. the girls had each called a few times and text to ask if I was ok and to get back to them asap. But the most calls and texts came from Rio. he had obviously been calling back to back from the time he stopped fighting. I put the phone on my lap only for it to vibrate again as I lifted it to my swollen eyes I noticed an unrecognisable number and opened the text.

Let me know you got indoors and that. don't watch these dickheads on road your better than that. holla at me. Jordan x

I saved the number and closed my eyes for the remainder of the ten minute journey. as soon as I was out of the car dad was dragging me into his arms. "where have you been you stupid girl I been worried sick." I could hardly breathe and I just about heard the others cussing me as well. troy spoke up first

"don't take the piss shy you been gone hours the party is done everyone's been gone for the last hour." Reece backed him up as usual

"alie, I should punch you in your throat where you been" even Kieran added his little two cents

"yea shy dad nearly called the police where did you go?"

I freed my self from dads warm embrace as we all bundled into the house and began my apologies and grovelling.

"sorry daddy, guys, I just had to get away clear my head. I went to see mum. and I lost track of time."

"why didn't you answer your phone?" dad snapped clearly annoyed but still hugging me every two minutes. "phones on silent I couldn't hear it and I didn't think to call just had too much on my head. sorry daddy I wont do it again."

"shy you know better than to go running up and down the streets at this time of night anything could have happened to you. what were you thinking."

"I wasn't im really sorry, but im exhausted please can I get punished tomorrow" I whined in my best daddy's little princess voice and he gave in. pulling me close one last time he kissed my forehead. "im just glad your home but that was a stupid move. and we need to discuss what happened tonight. go to bed but this isn't over chyanne. we need to talk seriously." I nodded and kissed his check before running up to bed. my battery was seconds from dying so I quickly charged it before putting it on silence and collapsing on my bed. I sent a quick text to say thank you to Jordan and inform him I was home as well as the girls and then passed out.

I tossed and turned all night eventually falling into a troubled sleep. I woke up to commotion outside the door. My family were obviously trying to sort out my birthday breakfast but weren't very quiet about it. I heard the twins arguing and Sean complaining about it bring too early. Dad was telling them to be quiet and I made my self comfortable in bed against the headboard. Eventually the singing began and they toppled in to my room. Their booming voices giving me a head ache. Kieran was the only one that had a decent voice and he was barely singing. Reece was trying to beat box which was hopeless and painful and dad had gone all out with the fry up. I had eggs, beans sausage, bacon, fried dumpling and plantain. He set the tray on my lap and they finished off their song. "thanks guys" I mumbled as dad kissed my forehead. I just had time to move my legs before Troy crashed down on the end of my bed and stole a slice of crispy bacon. Neatly on the side of the tray was a small slice of cake from yesterday and years threatened to cloud my vision. Kieran handed me my presents and I tried to open and pick at my meal at the same time. I hardly ate any if it but dad didn't notice As Troy helped devour what I hadn't touched. The morning was spent in my room with my family and carina and Kayla rolled up at about 12.15. I knew from the worried glances dad and carina were giving me that I looked a mess so I excused my self and jumped in the shower. After washing my face and putting my hair up in a neat bun I felt much more presentable. Everyone was downstairs and I could hear loud laughing and Kayla's non stop chat. Looking in my wardrobe I decided to make an effort as it was my birthday. I knew today was gonna be hot as I had checked in anticipation of rios plans for today so pulled out a pair of dungaree shorts and a white short sleeve top. I sighed as I noticed rio would love the outfit. I threw on a pair of socks and padded downstairs. "there's my girl" dad said as I made my way into the house. "The girls were just saying they wanna take you out for your birthday cheer you up a bit" dad said over enthusiastic. "I don't really feel like it" I whispered apologetically as I shook my head. But I could tell by Kayla's face it wasn't something I had a choice on. "First of all BIGHEAD no one asked what you felt like doing and secondly how dare you reject us when we sitting right here didn't even fake illness or nothing. Just came straight up and said no like you had an option. Do you think your bad cos your light skinned. I'm just here to let you know that everyone needs black friends are you ashamed of me now or something. Oh wait is it the white girl?" she said pulling her face and nodding her head towards carina. "Hey" carina protested out raged and we fell about laughing. I climbed over the back of the sofa and hugged my girlies. Carina squeezed extra tight and looked at me. "You don't have to come out if you don't want to. We was gonna go cinema. Just thought we should do something."
"Plus your dad is paying" Kayla butted in. "And I need some new shoes" carina added apologetically. I laughed out loud realising these two just needed any excuse to go shopping. I nodded my head and everyone cheered.