Breathe

Ch 1: Plane

"Expect the unexpected."

Everyone has been told that at least once in their life. Never me. Nothing has ever been unexpected in my life. Maybe when Mom would mistakenly come back from the grocery with red apples instead of green. Or I get an A- on a test once in a blue moon. But never this unexpected. My life has always been perfect. Well, at least I thought it was. I was often accused of being in denial about my life back in Allendale. I mean, no, I didn't have a perfect mom that came home every day or a pet Labrador that loved me greatly. But I had a Mom that loved me and a beautiful boyfriend. That was all I needed to feel perfect.

For a while.

I quietly follow the perky blonde flight attendant to my assigned coach seat. Her hair is pinned into a cute bun. She has to be only in her 20s. This makes me wonder what she did to the pilot to get this job.

 "Here you are!" She popped her blue bubble gum and motioned to a deserted section.

 I sat down at the window seat and began nervously tracing the lines on my palm. The plane was deathly quiet with only a few low rums coming from the engine. I was perfectly fine with quietness. I needed space to think. That was impossible to do at my home. Some would think being the only child, your house is perfectly quiet, and the only thing you'd hear is the creaking of the old fridge as you look for a night time snack. But ever since the accident mom has done nothing but cry. Four months of crying. Every. Single. Day. I guess she blamed herself.

Well, maybe if she was home instead of what she calls ‘trying to find love’ I probably wouldn't be here, sitting in coach, waiting to meet my biological father. Oh, who am I even kidding? This was eventually going to happen. My life was slowly falling apart. Perfection was slowly turning into visible flaws. It scared the hell out of me, seeing control slip silently out of reach. Maybe moving to Virginia will save the little sanity I have left. Maybe.

 __

 "Hickory is the name of the school you'll be attending sweetheart." Mom reminded me while packing the last of my bags. She was sitting on my wooden floor, cross legged smiling at me.

 I looked up from my polka dotted bed sheets and stared. My face completely far from showing any emotion.

 "You'll like it there," she added, nodding her head quickly. I could tell the guilt was eating her alive. "A lot of wealthy kids attend Hickory. It's a highly remarked school."

I blinked.

Her chocolate eyes began to fill with sorrow. I slowly rose from my bed and walked out of the room before I could see the routine tears.

 __

I regret not speaking a word to her for almost half a year. Unlike my other family members, she still treated me as if the accident never happened. Yeah, she cried a lot, but she looked at me like she understood why I tried to…off myself. So why can't I find the courage to speak to her again? She would understand. Her past addiction would make her understand.

I look out the window and at the white clear clouds. They looked as soft as feathered pillows, floating carelessly around. I wish I could be up here, but not in human form. Thoughts like this always bring me to that night, the night my life was ruined. The night of the accident.

I remember seeing Tyler in bed that night with Sara. I remember storming to my car crying.

I remember Tyler not coming after me.

But it's impossible to remember how my car crashed into Belgey, our small town's main river. Vivid dreams of the accident haunt me every night, but no memory. Dr. Hall told me I overdosed on the pain pill bottle they found in my purse.

Impossible.

I would remember taking them, wouldn't I?

The December sky suddenly becomes a depressed dark blue as if it can read my mood. A horrid empty face stares back at me in the small rectangular window. I stare back at my bland facial features. Nothing pretty about me. My dark brown eyebrows furrow in disgust. I quickly look away from the disfigured face and close my eyes. Before I know it, I'm drifting into a repetive nightmare.