Death. (behind the scenes)

Part 6

Okay so I have three questions, only three.

One will definitely be about how I can get out of here, or if I can get out at all. The other two I'm still thinking about. I could ask him about Megan but won't I figure out myself? I could ask him about how I got here in the first place but do I really want to know how I died? I could also ask him about my brother, about where he is now. And I could of course ask him something about himself cause I still don't know who this is that I call "God".

There is so, so much to ask. Too much to ask and I'm really losing my mind from all this thinking. I wish there was someone here to talk to, someone I could ask for advice. But I'm still all alone and lonely.

For the first time in - well in a while - I want God to show me a new memory. Only so I could stop thinking about these damn questions.

As if he heard me saying this - even though I didn't - my eyes close and everything returns black.

I'm back in the zoo again, but not where I left the other time. No, it's a bit earlier, just before Dave will get bitten by the racoon. Why is God showing me this again? Another difference is that I'm standing a few metres in front of Alex, Eve, Dave and mom instead of next to them like the previous time. I see Evelyn and Alexander both holding one of mother's hands and I see Dave reaching out for the racoon. In 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, yes, he got bitten again. I suddenly remember the look on Alex face and I quickly turn around to gaze into the same direction as Alexander.

At first I don't really notice something weird but then my breath hitches in my throat. There, only a few metres away from me, stands a man. A man with a gun, a machine gun. I hear the laughter of my family turn into scared cries and the smile falls from my face as well. Before I can even react the man starts firing, randomly hitting innocent people and children.

I see a bullet flying towards me but I'm way too slow to jump aside. The bullet flies right through me but doesn't leave a whole. I didn't feel a thing either. I turn around to see the same bullet hitting Dave. I yell but there's no sound. Everything sounds distance and hazy.

As Dave collapses to the ground mother grabs the children and pushes them down to the hard ground as well. All of them are crying now and so am I. Though I don't feel the tears, I see them drop from my face and onto my red shirt. Mother cries out Dave's name now but he doesn't respond.

Is he dead?

I collapse to the ground as well and start crawling towards Alex, Evelyn, mother and Dave. Dave, who got shot and might be dead. The word swirls in my head, dead. Why? Why does everybody need to die? Why does Dave need to die? Why? Why? Whyyy?

Suddenly the police rushes past. I look over my shoulder and see the terrorist being thrown to the ground with 3 very big and strong police men on top of him. I slowly get back on my feet and start running the last bit until I finally reach the two crying children. I strongly want to hug them but I know I can't. Eve finally gets on her feet as well and jumps into her brother's arms. They both stand there, hugging and still crying, until the police walks over to us.

One slightly older looking woman in a blue uniform kneels in front of the children. 'Hi sweeties, it's okay, it's over now.' She softly whispers. Alexander slowly releases his sister and looks at the woman. Evelyn immediately grabs Alex's hand again and also stares at the woman with big eyes. 'Where are your parents?' she asks.

I look up at mother who's still crying with her head on Dave's chest. Evelyn raises her shaking finger and points at the broken woman on top of the lifeless body. The lifeless body of Dave. The police woman realises that the man has been wounded and rushes a few steps towards Dave and mother. Her stressed face changes into a sad face and I wonder if that is because mother looks so devastated or because she knows that Dave will die. She tells mother that she feels terribly sorry for her but that everything will be fine. I strongly doubt that. The next moment she gets called by one of her colleagues and she leaves us all alone again. Mother finally lets go of Dave and crawls over to her two children, tears still falling from her drowning eyes.

All I can do is stand here and watch. I see it all happen and there is nothing I can do. I feel so numb, so exhausted. This all seems so unreal, so unrealistic. I really start to doubt that everything God shows me is in fact correct. I just don't know anymore. I close my eyes, hoping to get transported to the white room again, but nothing happens. I guess only God can control my memories.

I hate this, all of this. I want to sleep, fade out, fall unconscious. I want nothing, blackness, whiteness, I really don't care but I just don't want this.

When I finally open my eyes again I watch how they take Dave to an ambulance, closely followed by mother and her two children. I want to follow as well but I don't know how. It's like I forgot how to walk, forgot how to breath, forgot how to live. Being dead for this long is clearly taking its toll.

I slowly inhale some air and blink a few times until the dizziness finally fades away. I need to be strong now. I've got through this once, I will get through this again! I carefully walk over to the ambulance and see that mom is talking to the same police woman while Alex and Eve are still hugging each other closely. Then they all get into the ambulance and they drive off.

I'm left here all by myself now and I wonder how I could get out of here. I also wonder about Alex and Eve, I can't stop thinking about their sad faces and their soaked eyes. We were all so happy when we arrived at the Zoo earlier this day, so damn happy. It's their bloody birthday for god sake! My bloody birthday! It was supposed to be a good day and then this happens?! Why? What did we do to deserve this?

All this thinking only makes me bloody tired though and I feel my eyelids getting heavier. That's when I decide to sit down against a tree and let sleep capture me.

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Author's noteeeee:

  "All this thinking only makes me bloody tired though and I feel my eyelids getting heavier" <-- basically me right now  

much love,

me.