Death. (behind the scenes)

Part 13

The moment I told Megan about Katy, is the moment she stopped talking. Or at least to me. It's been two weeks now since she woke up. I have been by her side the entire time and she hasn't said a thing to me, not even one single word. I have no ideaif it's because she blames me for what has happened to Katy or if there is another reason, I just don't know why.

I spoke to her mother last night and she told me that Megan barely talked to her either, but at least she still does, or did. Megan had asked her to go outside but after the doctor had said that she couldn't, she also didn't want to talk to her mother anymore. That was two days ago now, so Megan hasn't said a single word in two whole fucking days!

I asked Megan about the white room as well, about the white heaven that we called hell. I asked her if she remembered, if she knew what I was talking about. But again, she did not say a thing. It makes me feel all alone again. It makes me feel like I'm useless, worthless, like I'm not even worth talking to. And that sucks.

I decided not to go to her room today. So I sit in bed, staring at the wall in front of me. My mom hasn't visit me either these last days and I start to wonder if she just forgot about me or if she also doesn't care anymore. Just like Megan doesn't care anymore. Just like no one cares about me anymore.

I fill a glass with water and drink it. It kind of makes me feel better. Why are hospitals so boring? Why can't they install a Wii or a Playstation in every room? Why can't I just leave?

Like my mother had heard my thoughts, she stumbles into the room with my old Nintendo in her hand. I guess she does care about me after all. 'Hey honey! It's been super busy at work these days, I'm so sorry I couldn't come anytime sooner!' she starts apologising and I can't help to think that it's quite funny to hear your mom apologise about being late since most of the times it's the other way around. 'I figured out that you might want to play your old Nintendo or something, you must be pretty bored.' She says more like a question than a statement. 'Yeah, kinda.' I say and I gratefully grab the Nintendo. It's old school, I know, but since that's all I have right now I'm very, very happy with it. My phone is still lost, probably still somewhere in Katy's house.

So as the next days go on I pass most of my time with video games on a small two parted screen. It feels kind of nostalgic but at the same time it really hurts. Katy and I used to play Mario Kart against each other all the time when we were younger. Now I play against the auto-controlled Yoshi.

And there is me, late at night, the end of the fifth day. Waiting till I fall asleep but trapped in the "slumber mode" as I like to call it. You know, that beautiful, peacful and calming time of the day when you're both devastated and wide awake. That lovely hour when you start to overthink everything in life, yes indeed, that wonderful time. I stare at the ceiling, breaking my head over every little thing I did these last days, wondering about every mistake I made, every little part that fade. I used to be so bright, so full of life and light. I used to smile a lot and now I don't. Because every time I try, the knife sinks deeper into my skin, causing me to weep. Crying is such a waste of water, such a selfish thing to do. But still, that night I cry meself to sleep. Again. 

The next morning I walk over to her room. Her, the one friend I need the most. But also the one friend that doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I slowly open the door and see that she's all by herself, still lying in her bed. This time I don't want to sit down in the big chair. I had been thinking about it all night, about how on earth I could make Megan talk to me again. But I came with no solution. Nor a plan. But she will talk to me! For god's sake, it's been twenty days, twenty fucking days, since she woke up. So it has been twenty days since she last talked to me. And if you don't know how long that is, I can tell you, it's very damn long!

'Megan?' I ask trying to stay calm. I'm everything but calm. 'Hey!' I say a bit louder. 'Hey, talk to me!' I shout but she doesn't answer. 'Talk to me, Megan!' I shout angrily. She stays silenced. 'You damn idiot, do you think this is funny?' I wait a second to catch my breath. 'Do you think this makes me feel better? do you even for one goddamn second think about how I feel? about my wellbeing? Cause I'm here, you know, right here! So talk to me and stop acting like I'm fucking invisible!' I look at her with wide eyes. How can she just look at me like that? 'Do you really don't care? Do I really mean nothing to you? Nothing at all? Cause in that case I'm done trying. I'll leave right now and I'll never come back! Is that what you want?' Tears are making their way to my chin now and my body is shaking. I stare at her, she's going to ask me to stay, right? She does care about me, right? Right? But she doesn't talk. 'FINE!' I yell, my voice braking. 'FINE!' I shout and I run out of the room. Tears keep running down my cheeks as I keep running. Eventually I drop to the ground and bury my head into my hands.

How could she? Why? Why would she? 

I get back onto my feet and run towards the stairs. My knees are shaking and I'm almost choking from hyperventilating. I stare at the bottom of the stairs. I want to throw myself down these stairs so that everything could just end, but I can't. No one can ever throw themselves down a staircase, your brain won't let you.

I start crying even harder, disgusted with my own weakness. I run back to my room and lock myself in the bathroom. There I stay for the next hour or so, until someone knocks on my door and asks me if everything is okay. 'I'm fine.' I say and I flush the toilet, wipe my eyes and clear my throat. I walk out and act as normal as possible. The nurse doesn't even notice my puffy eyes, my shaking hands or my sad smile. No one ever does.

She just lays my medicines on the bedside table and leaves me alone again. I take the pills in my hand and just stare at them. I don't swallow them, instead I put them in the little box where I keep my necklaces and earrings. Then I lie back down in my bed, staring at the ceiling.

What have I done to deserve this? First that horrible white nightmare, then losing Katy and now being rejected by the only person who could ever understand how I feel. What gives Megan the right to be so selfish?! Can't she see how she's slowly killing me? Or does she really not care?

I close my eyes and try to think about something else, but there is nothing else. This is my life now, and this is how it will go on. Or not.

The rest of the day I spent playing Tetris on my Nintendo. When I was about to fall asleep that night, a nurse came in again. Just like the other one she laid my pills on my bedside table, asked me if everything was okay and then left again.

And I added the pills to my jewellery box.

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Author's noteee:

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me.