Death. (behind the scenes)

Part 12

                  

'Pwuls is rising wo a normal rwythm awgain,' I hear and I feel something being lifted from my chest. I hear noises but they all sound hazy and distanced. I try to open my eyes but I can't so instead I concentrate on the sounds. 'Patient is still unconscious but she's breathing normally again.' I feel a hand taking mine. 'How long till the hospital?' 'Only 5 more minutes.' 'Hang on there girl, you're gonna make it.' Make what? The hand squeezes mine just before everything turns black and quiet again.

When I open my eyes I notice that I'm lying still, probably in a bed. I slowly look around and see that I'm in some sort of hospital room. What happened to me? I remember jumping with Megan but after that, nothing.

Suddenly a woman with a white coat walks in. I think she's a nurse, or a doctor, I'm not sure. The moment she notices that I'm awake she smiles brightly. 'Hey sweetie, you're awake!' she says loudly and I flinch due the sudden harsh noise. 'Sorry.' She whispers. 'How do you feel?' 'Fine, I guess.' I say and I'm surprised that my voice sounds normal, no cracks or weird high pitched noises. 'That's great, I'll go get your mother, she just went outside to get a coffee.' The nurse, or doctor, says before turning around.

I look at my bedside table which has been fully occupied with flowers and "get well soon" cards. I smile, people thought of me while I was gone. When I grab the first card my mom rushes inside with a smile so bright that even the sun would be no competition. 'Oh Eve, my little Eve, my sweet little Eve! You're awake, you're alive!' by the time she reaches my bed she's already crying. 'I hope those tears are happy tears?' I joke which makes her cry even more. 'Oh honey,' she throws herself onto the bed in an attempt to hug me but all she actually does is crushing me. 'Umm mom, you're kinda hurting me.' I try to say but it only comes out as a whisper. 'Oh I'm so sorry, I'm just so happy that I finally got my daughter back.' 'Finally?' I ask. 'How long have I been,' for a moment I search for the right word, 'gone?' I then add. Now the nurse, or doctor, I'm still not sure, joins the conversation. 'You have been in a coma for almost three weeks Evelyn.' She says with a sad smile on her face.

Three weeks? It seems only yesterday that me and Megan jumped out of that door. And that's when it hits me, and it hits me hard.

'Where are they?' I ask but they don't need to say a word, I already know. Maybe it's the way their smiles drop from their faces or the way the nurse, or doctor, I don't fucking care, looks at my mom, but either way, I know what the answer will be. My mom puts her hand on mine and looks me in the eyes. Then she stares at the ground and tries to tell me. 'Katy is, umm, Katy,' she takes a moment to swallow and then she finishes her sentence. 'Katy didn't make it.' I see a single tear rolling down her cheek but she quickly wipes it away. With me however, it's not one single tear and I can't quickly wipe it away. No, I am crying my goddamn eyes out. 'Megan is still in coma but she's gonna make it!' the white coated woman says as an attempt to cheer me up. Like that could possibly help. The moment Megan will wake up from her peaceful sleep she will hear that Katy died and she's going to feel the exact same way as me right now. Guilty. She's going to feel guilty. We'll both feel guilty for surviving without her, for jumping without her.

I turn my back to my mom and the nurse, or doctor, I really don't fucking care! I close my eyes and mumble that I need some time on my own and surprisingly they understand. I hear the door close and that's when I lose myself completely. I cry until I almost choke, inhale some air and then cry some more. The whole table is filled with stupid cards but not one goddamn tissue!? With blurry eyes and a pounding head I throw my legs over the edge of my bed and sit up straight. For the first time I notice that I'm attached to some sort of beeping machine. Not that I care, I don't need it anyway. So I get up my feet, snatch the transparent snakes out of my arm and throw them onto the floor. Suddenly the machine starts making one continuous beep sound. It thinks I'm dead. Funny. Cause I wished I was. And I know, that's not fair and that's selfish to wish but it's true and I can't change that. Eventually I get to the bathroom and grab a piece of toilet paper. A young man rushes into the room, his face covered with concern. Ha, he also thinks I died. Then he notices the empty bed and turns around with a puzzled look on his face. When my mother runs inside as well, I walk out of the bathroom saying: 'I'm fine, I'm fine, don't worry too much. I just needed some toilet paper.' They both stare at me with a confused face. After some painful silenced moments they finally quit staring at me and my mom forces a half smile onto her lips. I can see how devastated she would be if I had really died. But the problem is, I still wish I had. I really wish I had died. And it's not like I want to go back to that horrible place but I just want to go back for Katy. Cause it's my fault that I'm here and she's not, I left her there.