Home For Fall // Emison and PLL

Deployment: Day 14

"Man, did I ruin a moment?" he asked sarcastically as the girls looked from one to the other in confusion.

Emily shook her head. He chuckled and strutted over so he could sit on the same bench as Sophia. She seemed uncomfortable with how close he was to her.

"The girl's got a point. You should be scared. At first, at least," he said.

"At first?" Allen asked.

"I came out here eight months ago. It'll be my ninth month on Tuesday. I'm still here. And when I first started fighting, I was terrified. But after a while that part of you kind of dies," he said as he continued playing with the blades.

"Okay, thanks for the info GI Joe," Twig said dismissively.

"Oh, don't believe me, Private Carter?" he asked.

She seemed taken aback by the fact that he knew her name.

"I should get to know all of you shouldn't I? Now that I'm your squad leader? Lieutenant Meyers," he said introducing himself.

The girls all nodded towards him, unsure of what to say.

"Fields, you say you've seen active combat before?" he asked.

Emily narrowed her eyebrows. "Yeah. The first day I got here. Why?"

"I'm sending out a couple teams tonight. However, I don't want soldiers who have heads that are too heavy for their shoulders," he muttered.

Twig looked away defensively.

"I want you to come with us. Mainly because you have already seen action. You already know what it's like to shoot a man through and through," he said.

Emily felt queasy. She felt as if God or whoever was watching down on her purposely listened to her prayer of not getting sent out and didn't give a damn.        

Most of all, she couldn't help but think of Alison. Ever since she had arrived in this wasteland two weeks ago, Ali was the only thing on her mind. She hadn't spoken to her in four and a half years. But in every little thing she did, Alison was there with her.

It wasn't like they ended their friendship in a fight, because they didn't. Emily knew what she had to do though. She knew for Alison's sake, she had to let her go. Even when Alison fruitlessly attempted getting in touch with her, Emily made sure she threw out the letters and deleted the texts. It wasn't fair to make her wait around for four years.

Ali never would've let her join the army, either. In Emily's mind, it was just another complication she couldn't deal with. Alison was just simply better off not knowing Emily any longer.

She joined the army primarily to follow in her father's footsteps, but also to take care of her mom, who had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer Emily's second year of college.

Pam didn't have a lot of money. She certainly didn't have enough to put Emily through college, AND pay for her chemo and radiation treatments.

Knowing this, Emily packed up her dorm room and cozied up to Uncle Sam and his gloriously decent pay checks. Of course, she didn't tell her mother that.

Upon deployment, she told her mother she would be going overseas to study foreign language in Greece for a year and wouldn't be able to text. She sent the occasional letter just to let her mom know she was alright, but never added a return address. She couldn't risk Pam finding out exactly where she was or how she was somehow getting all her treatments paid for.

As Emily agreed to go on the mission that night, she stood up from the table and walked through the blistering heat towards her tent which was on the far left side of the compound.

The setting was booming with hundreds of troops milling around bored out of their minds. Some exchanged photos of their families while others cleaned their guns, walked in and out of the mess hall, gym, firing range, and latrines. There really wasn't much to do.

Emily pushed aside the flap that lead into her bunk and walked down the aisle of cots that were surrounded by large army duffle bags.

She could imagine her dad out here. She could picture him sitting on his cot reading some of the letters she had sent to him and him smiling at them. It always made her feel better to think of her dad.

She sat down on her cot which was in between Allen's and Sophia's, and pulled out her stationary.

Dear Alison, she began to write, but slowly caught herself.

Dear Hanna, she began again.
I know you haven't heard from me in a while. I'm sorry. I don't honestly know how long this is going to take to get to you but I have to admit something. You're probably going to kill me if I even return.

I joined the Army. I'm in the 15th Lima Battalion. I had no choice but to leave Pepperdine. I loved Malibu and it's white sandy beaches and the sound of the waves crashing against the shore every morning.

But after my mom got sick, she couldn't keep up with the bills and the large sum of money she needed to put forth for my tuition.

Please don't be angry with me. As much as I loved being there, I didn't feel like I fit in. At least out here, I feel like I am with my dad.

I'm at Shindand Air Base in Herat Province, Afghanistan. I was deployed two weeks ago. I don't know how I'm going to manage being out in this desert for nine months. I'm going out on a mission tonight, which is why I've decided to write to you.

Somebody had to know where I was. Please, Han. Don't tell the others. I know we said we were done with the lying, but I haven't seen any of them in almost five years. Nine more months won't hurt them.

Emily slowly crinkled the edges of the paper and bit her tongue. She couldn't believe she was actually considering writing the next part of her letter.

How is Ali? I miss you all. I really do. This whole plan of secrecy is very hard for me to cope with. But I miss her. I miss her a lot. I thought after us not speaking the many years we hadn't, I'd have been over her by now. But I'm not, Han. Leaving her behind in Rosewood was the stupidest decision I ever made.

I know what you're probably thinking. You're probably thinking I was stupid for joining the Army. And maybe I am. But I love it out here and the thrill of it all. Fighting for something greater than myself. It feels so pure.

I trust you the most, Han. I figured if any of you had to find out, it would have to be you. I would tell Alison, but she would freak out. That's why I left her. I left her so she could move on from me.

I regret not staying and trying to make something more of what her and I had. When -A was running around torturing us, she admitted she loved me. And yet, even though she told me, I didn't believe her. I'm so stupid, Hanna.

And I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you're finding this out now. I'm sorry you're finding out through a letter that I wrote AFTER I was deployed. But just please. If anything happens to me, Hanna, please take care of yourself. Take care of my mom and let her know I loved her. Tell all of the girls I loved them. And please.

Take care of Ali.