Because I Love You (Destiel & Sabriel)

Live To Die

Castiel sat on the floor of his room with the blade in his hand, he didn't have any choice now. Dean hated him and that was enough reason for him to die. He held the blade up towards the front of his neck, his hands shaking. He closed his eyes, tears starting to fall again as he advanced the blade towards his neck when he heard a voice.

Suicide Castiel? Really?

Castiel stopped the blade in its track and opened his eyes. He looked around the room but there was no one. He shook his head and closed his eyes again, getting the blade back in position so it'll be a clean stab through the neck with no chance of survival. He just had to die before Gabriel found him and tried to heal him, he took a deep breath and was about to stab his throat when he heard the voice again.

Stop Castiel, it's not worth it.

Castiel opened his eyes and immediately got up, looking around the room but he couldn't find a particular source of the voice. 

Tell me, Why do you think you should kill yourself?

Then it hit him, it was inside his head. He couldn't figure out who the voice belonged to and was very confused how someone was able to connect with him even though he had lost his grace and even still the voice spoke in English, not in Enochian which the angels used for telepathic communication.

Who are you? Castiel asked.

My identity is of no importance Castiel, why do you think you should kill yourself? The voice asked again.

Because I deserve it. Castiel replied after a moment.

Okay... So tell me do you deserve to die or do you deserve the worst? The voice questioned him.

Castiel's answer was instant. I deserve the worst, yes. 

Right. Then ask yourself Castiel, what would be worse? To die and be free of this suffering or to live on and suffer the suffering for the rest of your life? 

Castiel thought about it for a moment. He set the angel blade down and thought about the words of this man. He was right, Castiel agreed. He did deserve to be punished and running away from the affliction was not what he deserved. What he deserved was to live through the pain and then die when the right time came. 

To live on and suffer for the rest of your life. Castiel finally replied.

So shall you run away and be free from this agony or shall you live on and suffer? The voice demanded a clear answer.

I shall live on and suffer. Castiel said, understanding what the man was implementing. And what followed was utter silence. Castiel looked down at the blade in his hand and took a deep breath. He will live through all the hatred, all the things he didn't get - for his repentance of all the things he did. He was going to live, so he could die with every breath he took. He was going to live to die.

***

"Sam?" Dean knocked on Sam's door once he was done with the hamburgers. He had made a lot extra for he knew Sam wouldn't just settle with a few and then there was Cas. He smiled as he remembered the day Famine broke out and how Cas went bananas after burgers. Though it was Cas's vessel who was in their want but it was Cas nonetheless. 

Gabe opened the door for Sam was wiping his face with wet wipes to make sure Dean didn't have to see him like this. "Hmm?" Gabe looked at Dean.

Dean tried to peek in through the little of the door Gabe had opened. "Where's Sam?" Dean asked.

"He's um... He's peeing." Gabe said.

Dean looked through the little space to try and see Sam and looked down at Gabe when he couldn't see Sam. "Well when he gets out, tell him I made hamburgers for everyone." Dean said. "And um..." he looked towards the door to Cas's room. "Can you um... Can you call Cas 'cause you know..." he mumbles before looking at Gabe again.

Gabe sighed and nodded, "Sure, I'll call him." He said with a smile and closed the door. 

Dean sighed and went to the kitchen to set the table, he was sure Sam was crying and didn't want Dean to see him like this. He missed when Sam would just run to Dean whenever he felt like crying until dad started punishing him with various chores for every time he would cry just to "man him up". Dean made everything perfect and looked around to spot out any flaw but there wasn't any. He puffed his chest with pride and looked up as Sam came in and sat down with his head down.

Dean looked at him sadly and went over to him, ruffling his hair. "Let's just wait for Cas and Gabe, okay?" Dean sat across of him, leaving the seat next to Sam for Gabe which only meant Cas was going to sit next to Dean. 

Sam nodded, looking over at Dean and saw him looking right at him only to look down again. It was a short moment but Dean saw it, Sam's eyes were puffed red and his face still had faint tear stains. He sat there, feeling useless for not being able to help his own brother. He knew it wasn't just the beating dad had given him that night that made Sam feel like this, there had to be more for Sam wasn't the guy to cry over such a small thing again and again. He was emotionally way tougher than Dean and Dean knew it.

***

"Hey Cassie?" Gabe entered Cas's room and saw him sitting on his bed reading a book. 

Castiel looked up at his brother, "Yes, brother?" 

Gabe sat down next to Cas, "Oh come on Cas... Call me by my name. I'm your brother and we all know it, no need to mention it again and again." he joked.

Cas bent his head slightly to the side with narrowed eyes at his brother, "Oh okay... Gabriel." 

Gabe sighed, "Dean made burgers, your favorite. Come on." He smiled at him, getting up.

Cas looked at Gabe, surprised. Did Dean make burgers because Cas liked it? Cas asked himself with a little hope but shook away his thoughts thinking he shouldn't look towards the impossible. "I'm not hungry..." Cas mumbled.

Gabe sighed and pulled Cas up by his arm, "Oh come onnnn Cassie... Don't be such a baby." He said as he pulled him out of the room and into the kitchen. Cas sighed and knew he had no option but to give in.

As soon as they entered the kitchen, Dean looked up at Cas and Cas found Dean's eyes. Gabe stopped, noticing the leer game forming and stood there with Cas as he stared at Dean and Dean stared back. They were both lost in each other's eyes observing the pain and the little shine of hope when Gabe cleared his throat and they were pulled out of their trance.

∞

A/N

Omg so it has begun! Ugh my finals just started today and will go on till 22..

I'll try and update in between as soon as I get time but ugh omf I love you guys seriously so much for all the encouragements and comments you have been giving like seriously. You. Guys. Rock.

UNTIL NEXT TIME !