More Than This

Digging Up the Past

"Shut up you two! I've learned my lessons." I throw them dagger looks. Or you Josh!  I want to blurt out. You broke my heart just in case you have forgotten. I shake these thoughts away. I don't want to deal with this now. Harry. Focus on Harry.

Allen puts his arms around me and messes my hair. "Don't be mad, Lexie. You know we mean well. Harry is a famous celebrity. He lives in a jaded world where everything is at his beck and call. Josh and I are just concerned that you will just be one of his conquests. He dates fellow celebrities! When I threw the party recently, he was with a blonde model and they were all over each other!" 

I pout in disgust. Not at Josh and Allen but at the mention of that model. Wait, why am I even jealous? "Ok, I get it. i am an inexperienced naive girl who is a mismatch to a savvy womanizer like Harry. Is that the synopsis of our story?" My tone a tad higher.

"Yep," pipes in Josh. "That pretty much sums it up." I roll my eyes in annoyance and I let out a loud groan.

"We are just teasing you Lexie," Allen interrups. "Yes we are concerned, but this is really your choice. But if Hairy chooses to break your heart..."

"You will break his face," I replied in a monotone voice. I cross my arms and raise one brow.

"And shave his head!" Josh adds laughing. Allen nods in agreement as I storm out of the room, banging the door for effect. I'm not really mad. I just enjoy making these boys think I'm mad. Take that idiots! Ha!

I jump on my bed and I lay there staring at the ceiling. I wish for a better life, I whisper to myself as I close my eyes. This brief encounter with Harry made me reevaluate my life. I realized I need to live more and have more encounters like that, not really sexual like that, but more unplanned uncalculated moments like that. Take fuckin risks and live for the moment, as Allen would always say, and do.

My thoughts are interrupted when I feel the bed dip on one side. "Alex," it's Josh.  I turned sideways away from him hoping he'd leave. "Are you mad? Because you know you can't stay mad at me."  True. "Alex, please." Whining.

"What do you want?" I turn around to face him. He is lying sideways propped up by his elbow. I laid down staring at the ceiling avoiding his gaze.

"I'm sorry for messing up with Harry. I just don't want you to be hurt."

"Yeah," I sighed. "Once is enough" I muttered.

"What did you say?" Josh seemed to have missed it.

"Nothing! I get it Josh. You don't have to explain. You can now leave." I roll my eyes and turned my back against him.

"Alex, I know I have no right to sound so protective of you, not when I know I hurt you before, like big time." 

Wait. What is he saying? This is the first time we are talking about this. Why now. We've swept it under the rug for so long.

He scoots in closer his arms plays with the hem of my sleeves. "I wanted to say sorry for the longest time. I didn't know what to do then. I was selfish."

Tears trickle down my cheeks. I'm fighting it not wanting this to be a sob fest. My heart though feels like it's being stabbed. Emotions hit me like it happened yesterday.

"I... I was in love with Chelsea and I really didn't know that it was hurting you."

Chelsea from sophomore year in college whom I call Chewbacca because she had an irritating voice.

"I noticed then that you drifted away but I was too deep into her to even consider that."

"Yeah, too deep into her big boobs!" I snorted.

"Wait what?" He chuckles. "Anyway, I never knew how bad I hurt you. That is until I saw Allen months after we haven't talked.  He said you lost a lot of weight and that you have been diagnosed with an eating disorder. He mentioned you got heartbroken by some dude that he didn't know. I knew then it was me because why would you keep it from being known to Allen."

"Wait," I said as I stood up to sit on the bed  He sits beside me. "You knew I had an eating disorder?"

"Yeah, I did. Which is why I made an effort to rekindle our friendship. I don't want you to die you know.  And why do you think I would always make the effort to cook for you," he jokes, at a time like this. Which earned a smirk from me.

"Look..." I wanted to end this conversation. I think we are ok where we are now and digging up the past will only mess our friendship.

"No, let me finish." He touches my lips with his finger. "I'm sorry Alex. I'm sorry I made you feel that way before. I'm sorry that I brushed you off and I blamed you for falling for me. I was caught unaware of the things you said, when you admitted you liked me like more than a friend. I got confused, I didn't know how to handle that and I, well I rejected you. I'm sorry i messed you up. It's just that..." He sighs and stares at the ceiling. "I never knew I..."

My phone rings and Harry's name flashes on the screen. Josh frowns and stands up to leave.