Thorns

Confessions

"When I was seven, some neighbors moved in next door. A divorced woman and her two children, a boy and a girl moved in. His name was Beck Motte and he was a very . . . depressed person. I didn't like that at all and got sick of it as I watched him sit in a tree, staring off at the city, day by day.

"When I was eight I finally blew. 'Stop your moping around! Your gonna see your dad again! He doesn't want you so upset so get over it already!' And after that he just followed me around, never leaving me alone when he saw me. Became my best friend."

I cover my face with a pillow. "I hate talking about him. I never, ever, ever, wanted to talk about him again, Zeke. Please, please don't make me. I made a promise not to."

" . . . I figured it would be your friends Jacky not some person I don't know. I've never seen Beck before."

My face sinks deeper into the pillow. "That's apart of the story. I don't want to tell it."

"Alex."

I take a deep breath and sigh. "Okay. When I was in 4th grade, his cousin moved to town, Jack Sean. I called him Jacky because he was so childish, but Jacky was older than me. Anyways, I became friends with Jacky also. They were my best friends besides Maggie and Samantha. I liked them and they liked me. Too much.

"When I was thirteen, I wanted to try my first kiss so I did with Jacky and we didn't wanna tell Beck, but we didn't have to. He saw and was just waiting to know why. He was angry and didn't talk to me for a while. I was kind of sad for a while. But around the time I was gonna be fifteen, things took a turn."

"Go on."

I bite my lip hard and my throat seems to hurt more. "I got drunk at a party with Beck and then we were stupid and just . . . And that's how it was. But we felt so weird because he was like my brother. We told nobody and I just forced myself to walk how I did before because that's something I wanted nobody to know.

"But one day, we were coming back from the city, walking you know? I was with Beck and Jacky because they're parents were on a business trip (they were partners) and they were staying with my family. Well, it was odd . . . Jacky was pissed off. Beck got sick of the attitude and blew. 'What the fuck is wrong, Jack?' "

" 'You should know!' "

" 'I don't!' "

" 'You went off and fucked Alex and act like you did nothing! You could've at least told me!' "

"I later learned that he found out because him and Beck got a little drunk and Beck mentioned it by accident . . . They got in a huge argument. They started fighting a little bit and I didn't want that. When Jacky was gonna push Beck, I got in the way and he pushed me instead; I fell on Beck and into the road.

"Alright, your probably thinking by now that Beck gets hit by a car now: wrong. Beck and I got up, Beck got mad for getting pushed and they started actually fighting. I know Jacky regrets ever doing this, but he knocked Beck into a man. The man was one of those ones who put up with nobody's crap. He grabbed Beck and threw him into a street.

"He doesn't get hit by a car then either. He never does. 'You better apologize you brat!' "

"Beck was telling him no and got beat up by that man and Jacky couldn't do anything. One of those jackasses that think they can do whatever they want." My throat really hurts now. "Beck got beat to a pumble and lost some of the nerves in his body before the cops came.

"I was fifteen and a year later, something even worse happened. He had lost the nerves in a few fingers. Well, sometimes he didn't know what he was doing exactly with his fingers -- if something was too hot or cold. If something was too loose or tight. Well, Beck was fixing his car . . .

"Then . . . he didn't do something right. I don't know because I'm not an expert with cars but it flew down and crushed him. Jacky heard because he was coming back with some drinks and they took him to the hospital. He died soon because it crushed him horribly. I'd felt like I'd lost a part of me -- a brother.

"Well, I was at loss for a while. Jacky felt responsible for getting in a fight then causing Beck to get in a fight with that man who made him lose those nerves. I know he did. I kept my promise though. I haven't told anyone about my time with Jacky or Beck and now your the first one to know.

"I have to say I love you Zeke and I'm sorry that I lied to you but I never wanted to speak of it again . . . "

I don't look out from under the pillow because I don't want to see what expression he'll have. "I'm thinking you feel more horrible than me for lying."

I nod.

"Then I'll confess my sins, too."

"You have sinned?"

"Back in the 60s and 70s I got into what many people were into: weed. I had some friends and when we would run out, I would go steal money from someone and buy more. I was a stupid stoner and one day I realized that I stole money from a man who needed an operation on his leg to live. He died.

"In the 80s, I was on a mountain, skiing and then someone ran into me and blamed me for it. They cussed at me and pissed me off. We got in a fight and I crushed him -- literally. I crushed his arm. I looked around and everyone was scared of me. I realized I'm a monster.

"When the thing about all the computer's dying came in 1999, I decided to be stupid and see if the trains would crash with some friends. We were close by, not realizing that it wasn't right. But that train did crash because of a car that sped up, trying to run in case it did crash in a minute. The train came towards us. I could run and bring them with me. I didn't and left them there to die.

"And the first time I met you, I couldn't stand the smell so I washed my clothes until they had your smell off them and then I went crazy for a bit and hurt someone. I bit a young girl -- a little girl -- until she was almost dry. I know she didn't make it and I felt like a killer . . . " His voice sounds so hoarse.

I uncover my face and I'm surprised he's crying. "Dammit I cry every time I think of the horrible things I've done in my life and I don't wanna be mad at you because I'm horrible. I always felt jealous of the way you said that guys -- Jacky -- name."

"What way?"

"Like . . . he's important. I get it now but it bothers me still to know all this."

"Sorry . . . "

I get up and go change. I go in the livingroom and sit down on the couch. I feel a little less guilty but I put my arms around my legs and sigh.

Told you so.

I hear Milly's voice.

Shut up, Milly.

Zeke sits down. "Your not mad?"

"A little . . . " he says.

He says that but his body gives away how pissed he is and how frustrated he is. I wish he never knew . . .

After an hour, I leave and go home. I couldn't stand that atmosphere anymore. I go in my room and practice my violin until my hands are cramping and my fingers hurt from gripping the violin. I usually practice my violin when I'm frustrated or sad. Well, I'm both right now and Patrick comes in at the end.

"What's wrong?" he asks me.

"I'm just upset."

"Why?"

"Well . . . I told Zeke about how Beck and I were friends and Beck died."

"Beck? . . . Oh yeah. Beck."

I go over and sit by Patrick. I put my arms around my little brother and put my head on his skull. I sigh and hold him until I get up and leave.

Your still such a little child, Alex.

Srry the chapter is short but I know u guys wanted 2 know about her secret.

The video is My First Kiss by 30h!3