Letters He'll Never Receive

I Feel So Alone

Dear Issac,

Its only been three months since you left but it feels like eternity. I'm lost without you. Kate, my sister, tried once again to get me out of bed and get out of the house. But like always, I refused. I just can't go anywhere that won't remind me of you. I've tried to go to the store at least but the simplest things remind me of you. Last week I went to the store to get some supplies for my mother. As I walked down the aisle on my way to get the jam, the memories came back. The memory of that one time I made you try jam since you said you never tasted it before. How you kept wining about not liking to try new things. I just couldn't.

I feel so alone without you. My parents don't see how much you really meant to me. All they say is, 'It was his choice to leave us. So you should accept his choice and forget him.' They yell at me every time I cry about you not being here. They just don't understand. They never will. I miss you so much. I find myself constantly looking at my bulletin board in my room, the one with all the pictures of us, and thinking of all the good times we had. I sometimes wonder why you left me. Did I do something wrong? I just can't stand the fact that you're no longer here. You should have seen me at the funeral. I was a mess. I kept telling myself that it was all just a bad dream and that I would wake up to find you by my side.

Tomorrow I start school again and honestly I don't want to go. I know what will happen. People will ask how I'm coping. What they can do to help. They will tell me they are sorry. And that you were a good person and that you'll be missed. But you know what, Issac? I don't want sympathy. I don't what them to feel sorry for me. I won't be able to go a whole day without breaking down. I just know it. I know its impossible but, I want you to come back.

Your mom earlier was going through your stuff in your room. I smiled at the memory of you telling me you hate it when people touch your stuff. She found the photo album you had of pictures of us together. She gave it to me and said she thought I would want it. I couldn't stop the tears as I looked through it. I have to admit I am a little mad at you for keeping that picture of me sleeping when I specifically told you to throw it away. But the caption you put under it made my heart skip. You put 'Even though she sleeps, she still manages to look as beautiful as ever.'

God, Issac. Why did you had to leave me? Without you in my life I feel so alone. My parents hate me for not being the perfect daughter they wanted. Kate and you were the only ones who cared for me. You made me feel wanted. Like I actually mattered. Like if I could accomplish anything I set my mind on. You made me feel so alive. Now, I feel worthless and defeated. I feel like I'm buried 10 feet underground. I feel so alone....

Missing you,
Fiona