Left to Protect What's Mine

15- So That's Where he Got His Money...

Day 15

Friday

*Amy

Holy shit, Carlos is a drug dealer, I am related to a drug dealer, I didn't ever think he would sink this low, this crushes any of the lingering hope that he cared to us at all. Instead of having the typical caring father, I have a hate filled, drug dealing father. Why couldn't they just not have kids? Why couldn't I have a normal father that isn't involved in illegal business and actually loves me? I feel tears start running down my face. The entire wall has been moved up two feet and is filled with bags upon bags of the white powder like we found in the kitchen.

I get off the clear bags and I can't really see where I am going. I stumble around, trying to find an anchor or support, I have to try to stay rational for John. I let the tears roll down my face silently, I don't make any noise so John doesn't become alarmed. I feel a warm, soft wall, I don't think twice about who it is when I wrap my arms around the neck and let myself go. I keep my face buried in his shoulder, a shoulder I almost have a hard time reaching.

"Shh, it's okay. Calm down, we don't know exactly what it is yet." I feel warm arms wrap around me and I enjoy the warmth of another human being.

"But we do, we do know what it is." My voice cracks at the last part. So much for hiding the tears from John. He knows how upset I must be, I let myself cry until I can't cry anymore. My tears shouldn't be wasted on such a heartless person, and that makes me start crying again. I forget all my attempts to stay quiet for John and just let go, letting a stranger comfort me.

"I don't know what to say." Says the voice over my head to someone else, they sound like they actually might care. They must care a lot more than the officer does, that or the officer doesn't actually believe our parents don't love us. Heartless bastard.

"Tell me the truth, tell me he doesn't love us, that he is a drug dealer, that she would choose him over us anytime, that he is incapable of loving anyone but her, not even his own children." I sob, wanting to know it isn't just me who thinks these thoughts.

"But he does-"

"No! The bastard doesn't! He barely knows my name! He has only been present at two of my birthdays and when he was there he didn't even participate. What does that tell you?" I wanted so badly to be wrong, but I know I'm not. I have been ignoring the facts that have been right in front of me all my life, not wanting to put them together.

"It's okay." He rubs my back, probably something his mother did for him when he was younger, but I wouldn't know. It felt nice, just having a rhythm to focus on. It calmed me a little and made me want to be a little girl again, to go back but this time have my parents love me.

"I want to have normal parents, I wish I didn't have any of this if I could change it for parents who at least love me." I whimper. I sound so pathetic, I need to straighten up for John. I close my eyes and almost fall asleep instantly. Why am I telling all my thoughts and problems to someone who broke into my house? One of the people who I just fought with and possibly is willing to kill me if it comes down to it.

---7:00 am

The pillow poked me in the side of the head, this doesn't feel like my normal pillow. I turn over, my face feels stiff. I touch my face and remember what happened earlier, my break down. Oh god, who had I been holding on to? It definite wasn't John, he isn't that tall. I shower and go down to the basement, to see what we need to do. Everything is just how I left it, before I broke down and had to have a stranger support me and comfort me.

Prioritize, we need to call the cops and I need to make sure John is okay. I need to make sure I don't break down again, the cold truth is finally settling in and I am coming to accept it, my parents don't love me.