Dammit I am not in love with you!!!!

Shit Just Keeps Hitting the Fan!

You remember me standing in a Church and praying for this wedding to get over quickly? That too without anymore disasters. Yeah hold that thought. Remember that particular moment. Imagine it take the shape of a paper. Now crush that paper in your hands (imaginary), take a lighter and light it on fire. Now watch it burn and turn into ashes. Now imagine a wind and see those ashes being blown far far away. Thats what God did to my prayers.

***

If there was god in this world and he was as merciful as everyone described, then maybe he would let me avoid this torturously slow proceedings. Maybe I could fake a fainting spell. But I don't fancy facing my sister's wrath. Please God have some mercy on me!

But nooooooo.....how can anybody take pity on me? Even god finds me too amusing to toy with. Here I am standing at my sister's side as her maid of honor (against my will) and watching her get married to one of the worst specimens from the human male species. And I am hoping that this gets over quickly because the torture device called stilettos on my feet are making my balance wobbly and it would not be good for me if I spoil her day by falling flat on my face in front of her wedding guests. Plus I really don't want to be lectured by her in her annoyingly whiny voice.
But when has anything gone my way for once? So is it any less surprising that my wishes for this ceremony to end quickly and peacefully be disregarded by the higher powers for their amusement?

I am trying to maintain my balance in those blasted heels while juggling the humongous bouquet and my own maid of honor bouquets in my hands and trying to look "effortlessly elegant" like my mother ordered. I barely paid attention to the steady hum of conversation coming from the guests or to the blistering dull voice of Pastor Johnson delivering last minute sermon to the congregation as I was occupied with keeping the hem of my ugly dress from tangling with those steely traps on my feet. Not like anybody was paying attention to the sermon in the first place.

He finished the sermon and started the wedding proceedings. And again, since I was occupied I wasn't paying attention. All I could hear was background noise and the pastor's dull voice. And then there was silence. Blessed silence.

I was thanking the higher powers for this moment of peace because I couldn't hear my thoughts over the sermon and the murmuring from the guests. I suddenly felt uneasy. It was like the feeling you get when there is a serial killer in your house- ominous and creepy. And then everything steadily went downhill would be the understatement of the century.

Apparently, I had missed out on the pastor asking the congregation if anybody had any objections to the marriage. Surprisingly the person to come up with an objection was the groom who had raised his hand.

My sister Felicity and her fiance Ronald have been with each other for five years. They met in Law school and were the 'It couple' from the start of their relationship. It was hardly surprising when he proposed and she agreed. They are like siamese twins and everything about them is matching. From their blue eyes blonde hair preppy personalities to their ambitions and dreams. They both work in the same law firm Mitchell and Markitts as corporate lawyers and handle high profile cases. They both want to be senior partners in the firm and are well known.

All in all they are the darlings of high society and the apple of my mother's eyes. The wedding is supposed to be one of the most prolific events to be held and everyone has high hopes ( except me). I couldn't care less about those two and their perfect wedding and dream house and what nots. They bore me to death.

But coming back to the point, when he raised his hand to object even I was flabbergasted. Because seriously, what objection could he have? Ronald and Felicity have been planning this wedding since a year and a half ago. They have obsessed over each and every little detail. So what is he gonna object to? Lint on his sparkly white coat? Dust on the bible?

Well I was wrong. He was packing some serious objections. When he raised his hand, Felicity thought he was going to crack one of his jokes ( the dumb lawyer jokes). But the joke was on her and me as well!

"Ronald do you have something to say?" Pastor Johnson asked.

"I am sorry Father but I can't marry Felicity.....not without being honest with her." Ronald said.

Everyone thought he was going to declare his eternal love for her and bearing this misconception, Father Johnson allowed him to speak. Oh I wish he would have kept quite.

Ronald faced Felicity and I kid you not he looked slightly green. I thought he was feeling sick so maybe he was going to ask her to postpone the wedding. Which is a disaster in itself because that would mean that the superstition is actually true. But it would be no biggie. Boy was I wrong!

"Felicity...Felly you know that I love you right?" He asked her in a mousy tone that I have never seen him use. Maybe he was sick.

My sister who uptil this point had no idea probably thought he was confirming her love for him.

"Of course I know you love me Ronnie and I love you more than anything in this world."She replied in her whiny voice with love oozing out of each vowel all the while making goo-goo eyes at him. Believe me it was sickening to watch.

"Felly baby I can't marry you!" Nice reply to a declaration of love. I mean thats a nice prank to pull on your wedding. I expect Ashton Kutcher to come out anytime and scream "You have been punked!!" When nothing of that sort happened and only silence was met with his sudden declaration, I realized he wasn't kidding. This guy was dead serious. Well shit!
I swear uptil this point Ronald had never done anything to shock me or anyone else. But this.....well lets just say by the look on Felicity's face and the shocked gasps and whispers from the congregation, he knocked that ball right out of the stadium.

"I know its too late to do this and I should have said this a long time ago but I didn't want to hurt you and I got caught up in the wedding excitement and I forgot all about it......I think I am in love with Olivia."

Now you must be thinking who is this Olivia? Must be his secretary or maybe the bride's best friend or maybe his ex-girlfriend. Same thoughts in my head as well as countless others. He sure couldn't have picked a better moment for airing out his dirty laundry.

"OLIVIA? WHO IS OLIVIA?" My sister asked in her high pitched angry voice which sounds like a pig squealing and does irritating things to your ears. Well it did to mine since I was standing right behind her.

"I mean Livvy your sister.Isn't she called Olivia?" Wait a minute. He is in love with me. And my name is not Olivia. The moron is in love with me and doesn't know my name.

"Wait a minute I have no sister called Olivia!" Felicity screamed at him still not realising that he was talking about me. Thank god for small mercies.

Well but does god ever side with me? Spoke too soon.

"Young man do you perhaps mean Livvy as in Miss Lavinia Carter, Felicity's sister?" Oh god at that moment I would have murdered a man of god in the church and not be bothered if I would be sent to hell because he just shifted the focus on me.