Divergent: The Outsider 2

|Chapter 16|

Once I am out of the shower I throw on a pair of knee length sweatpants over my underwear and a t-shirt from Tobias over my sports bra.

I pull my hair into a bun and put on some socks, I leave the bathroom and lay back down on the couch thinking about my horrible dream.

It felt so realistic, everything that I'm facing now was in my dream. . . but more brutal.

I hear the sound of keys being placed into the door knob making me sigh and instantly close my eyes, hoping to avoid conversation right now.

"Honey I'm home!" My mother shouts, right, I gave her my key today. She was able to use my car to navigate her way through town.

"Hey." I say and open my eyes and see that she is holding two brown paper bags filled to the brim.

She walks into the kitchen and I stand up following her there and sit down at the island starring at her every move, I feel like a kid again.

"What took you so long?" I ask leaning my elbows against the island counter.

"Well after running a few errands I went food shopping." She says with a small smile flipping her shoulder length hair off of her shoulder.

"What type of errand can you do?" I ask implying that, what exactly can she do since she is out of town.

"Well, I saw a few things in your hamper while I was washing clothes since you were sleeping and Four was gone. I took them to the dry cleaners, then I got the car washed, lastly I went grocery shopping at Trader Joes." She says as she takes things out of the bags everything ranging from organic soup to brown rice flour.

"Why did you get all of this stuff?" I say as I eye the vegetables and organic items.

"So many questions today." She says with a chuckle placing her hands on her hips. "I got most of these organic products because I want you to regain your strength instead of laying on the couch watching television all day."

This instantly makes me think of the time Tobias visited me with organic food and we didn't like it so he promised to make me dinner, which resulted in having amazing dessert. That ties back to me thinking, was I pregnant the whole time?

Did I get pregnant from that night?

So many questions run around in my head that it brings a sharp pain to my brain, I sigh rubbing my temples.

How could I be so stupid?

"Go ahead and have a seat in the living room, I'll be there in a minute I'm going make us some tea." She says and I get up and walk into the living room without protesting and I sit on the couch.

I have my back against the left arm and my right leg pulled up into my chest while I sit there staring blankly at the television, not really comprehending what's going in front of me.

After about ten minutes mom walks back into the living room handing me a steaming mug and she sits beside me on the couch.

I sniff the mug and the scent of peppermint instantly hits my nose. I take a small sip and let the warmness flow down my throat, then I place the mug on the table beside me letting it cool down.

"So, Beatrice." She starts after taking a small sip of her tea placing it on the coffee table over a coaster. She clasps her hands over her coral pencil skirt and gives a faint smile.

"I really want to know, deep down inside, how you feel about this miscarriage." She says and it feels like tons of bricks fall down my stomach and I got stabbed in the heart.

The Miscarriage.

Of course I've been thinking about it all day but to verbally announce it in words about how I truly feel. . . to my mother, is something I totally wasn't expecting.

"What else is there to say?" I ask placing my elbow on the top part of the couch, leaning my head against the palm of my hand.

"Like how you really feel, you are strong. There is no doubt about it, but you can only be but so strong. How do really feel, without having a guard up." She says scooting close to me.

"I mean," I sigh, how do I really feel? Sad? Angry? Depressed?

"I'm in a deep state of melancholy. I didn't expect myself to be here, I promised myself I wouldn't get like this. But, what I truly think is." I say as tears gather in my eyes and for once these tears are not just for the miscarriage, it's for everything.

Everything that I've held in but, the gates the held my tears back for so long has been cracking and now it's finally breaking, letting out all of my anger and frustration.

"What I truly think is." I say starting over, only to find my voice cracking and tears falling down my cheek. "That, I was so stupid, I saw the signs but didn't take action. That day was a horrible day, even though I didn't get to meet my kids it feels like I did at the same time." I say wiping my eyes just as more tears fall and my lip quivers.

"I realized that day that everything had hit me all at once, not only did my kids die but it struck me like lightning, Susan is dead." I say shaking my head as tears rapidly fall down my face and mom just stares at me.

"Everything that I thought I left behind followed me here, so I'm really taking it hard for both sides. Even when you treated me like I wasn't your own daughter, that hit me. And to answer your question, mom, I feel horrible. I want to kill myself but I'm stronger than that. I will pull through this. . . somehow."

"That's understandable to a certain extent, I understand that you are taking your best friends death to heart and your own kids but how exactly did we display that you weren't our daughter. Caleb never felt that way." She says in a state of confusion furrowing her eyebrows.

For once I feel like ten bricks are being lifted from my shoulders, it's great that we are talking about this but ten more falls right back into place. I don't have time for an argument.

"That's because Caleb was a suck up and wanted to be like you guys." I say with a slight chuckle wiping away remaining tears. "I mean I'm sure it hurts to hear it but I don't want to turn out as you or dad or Caleb. That's why I moved, I'm happy I did. I didn't want to end up like Susan. And what I guess what I'm trying to say is, you were barely home and let's be honest. Did you really want to come here?" I say raising my eyebrows.

"I came here because you are my daughter. Who had a miscarriage, we love you." She says sternly, aggravation evident on her face.

"Oh really, then why were you the only one that came to visit?" I say, wishing that I didn't answer her questions earlier. . . I knew it was going to end up like this.

"Because they are busy an-" She starts, trying to prove a point.

"Bullsh*t." I say my face turning red to match my red-rimmed eyes. "Excuse me for talking to you like that but, bullsh*t. It's obvious that their job is more important than me, so mom, I'm going to ask you once again. Why exactly did you come down here? What's the catch?"

She sighs crossing her arms over her chest, "I want you to move back to Chicago with us."