Infinite Chances

Longer Than I Imagined It III

"Granny, nakapagpahinga naman po ba kayo?" -me. Nakita ko sila dito sa likod bahay na nagmemeryenda sa shed. Malaki kasi ang space at mahangin pa dito.

I had it built beside the pool, so that my guests wouldn't endure the heat of the sun during summer. At bilang isang babaeng mahilig magbilad ng katawan sa ilalim ng sikat ng araw, naglagay ako ng mga sunbathing beds sa magkabilang sides.

"Oo naman, apo. Ikaw ba? Nakita kong pumasok si Gabriel sa kwarto mo. Did he wake you up?" -Granny. She was handing me a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice.

"Opo, Granny. Okay naman na 'ko. Kusa po akong gumising at nandoon nga siya. Bakit po hindi na lang siya nagmeryenda agad kasama ninyo?" -me. He must have been there for quite a while dahil medyo matagal din ang tulog ko. Ano kayang nangyari sa pag-uusap nila Auntie kanina?

"Ewan ko ba sa batang 'yon. Ilang beses na naming tinawag para magmeryenda. Hindi bumaba kasi babantayan ka daw. Parang mawawala ka naman doon sa kwarto mo. Baliw talaga sa'yo ang apo ko." -Granny. Ha-ha-ha. Kung dati, kikiligin na'ko niyan. Pero sa ngayon, wala ng epekto sa'kin 'yan. I just smiled and took a slice of cake into my mouth. Kakagising ko pa lang pero parang pagod na naman ako. I have adequate rest, but just by thinking about him, i get so tired again. Again and again.

I just hope this roller coaster ride is gonna end soon. I'm not used feeling mixed emotions. Somehow, in the 5 years that Gabriel and I were not together, I got used to the pain and got numb along the way. Pain is the only thing that makes me feel alive. Ganun talaga siguro. Kahit kailan, hinding-hindi mawawala ang sakit. Masasanay ka na lang na nandiyan siya sa puso mo para kapag nangyari ulit sa'yo ang ganun, hindi ka na masasaktan ulit.

That pain changed me. That pain made me become the me that I am now. That pain motivated me to become stronger, wiser and braver. Hindi man ako larawan ng isang kompletong babae, pero sigurado akong maraming magkakandarapang malagay sa puwesto ko. I know what I need in my life. Alam ko kung ano'ng kulang. Pero hindi ako desperada. Mas gugustuhin ko pang magtrabaho kaysa magpapressure sa intimate relationships. Hindi ako bitter. I'm confident about that. I just developed the disgust I would usually feel when someone comes up to me and make promises of forever.

"Ma'am Fabby, may isa pa po kayong bisita. Dumating po si Sir Jacob." -si Yaya Marga.

Si Jakey, siya ang may alam na allergic ako sa drama at complications. He knows that I'm not the one to commit, kaya kami magkasundo. Matagal niya ng sinabi sa'kin na may gusto siya sa'kin, but he never asked about his chances. He's a very patient and decent man. He's very responsible and never once did he take advantage of our closeness to get what he wants. He's very respectful and very much a professional.

"Excuse me po, Granny, Tita. It might be about work. Jakey visits all the time naman. Sige po." -me. I excused myself and walked out from the pool area to the dining area. While walking, I was silently wishing that Jakey wouldn't ask about the sudden parade of Gabriel's family in my house. But when I saw Jakey's eyes looking at me while I emerged from the poolside, a sudden fear hovered upon me.

Gabriel's family is still part of my family. Hindi ko sila pwedeng ipagtabuyan. But at the same time, ayoko rin namang mag explain sa ibang tao kung bakit bigla na naman silang pumasok sa buhay ko. Katulad na lang ngayon. Kay Gabriel lang ako galit. Hindi sa pamilya niya na naging pamilya ko na rin. They treated me like I was part of their family and they never did anything to hurt me. Isa sa mga rason na nasaktan ako sa paghihiwalay namin dati ay ang realization na mawawala na rin sa'kin ang pamilyang itinuring ko na ring pamilya ko. Feeling ko nga dati mas devastated pa'ko na nawala sila sa'kin kaysa kay Gabriel.

Pero si Jakey lang naman 'to. Kayang-kaya kong mag-explain sa kanya. I rushed towards him and gave him a hug after saying, "Jakey! What brings you to my humble abode? May problema ba sa opisina?" ... ... ... LONG PAUSE ... ... ...

I was literally staring at him. Jakey, on the other hand, was just standing in front of me while looking past through me. And when I looked back, I saw Gabriel leaning on the operable panel of the sliding door and smiling devilishly at Jakey. Jakey looked at me and said, "You have a lot of explaining to do S. Hindi ko na mapagtagpi-tagpi ang mga nangyayari. Tama ba ang nasa isip ko?" .

Napahawak na lang ako sa ulo ko. "Yaya, pakidalhan naman kami ng meryenda ni Jakey sa office ko. May pag-uusapan lang kami." I motioned him to follow me to my office para makapag-usap naman kami ng matino. Jacob has been a really great friend to me and he deserves to know the truth from me. Kaya ngayon ko na sasabihin sa kanya ang lahat. Since wala na rin naman akong choice dahil nakita niya nang nasa bahay ko ang buong pamilya ni Gabriel.

Jakey closed the door behind us and sat on my little office's sofa. "Samantha Nicole, start talking." - Jakey. "Gabriel Tan was my five years ago, Jakey. And before that  five years, he was my eight years." -me. Jakey was just staring at me blankly. He looked like he was still trying to process the information that I just handed over to him. "Jake?" -me.

"I knew it! You and Gabriel. Your movements, your indifference, your mood swings, the anger in your eyes... Everything! Ibang-iba simula nung ma-meet natin sila Gabriel." -Jakey.

And there was silence...

"I'll be back to work in 2 days. After that, everything will be back to normal. I'm sure of that." -me. A part of me is still expecting that my life will go back to its normal pace. Even after I met him again, sana hindi na magbago pa ang kung ano ako at kung ano ang meron ako ngayon. Masaya na'ko bago pa siya bumalik sa buhay ko. Masaya ako kahit wala na siya sa buhay ko. Mananatili akong masaya kahit mawala siya ulit.