Random darkness

my saving grace**self injury**

Walking to school I was usually met by several bullies. On this day it was most of my 4th grade class. They wanted me to do things to the boys and wanted to watch me...I ,to this day ,do not know how they found out I was a whore. But they knew. Several of the older boys wanted me to give them head while the others looked on. I wasnt going to do this. They formed a  circle around me and started pushing me. I fell onto a broken bottle and my arm got cut really bad. The spurting blood freaked the other kids out..I was mesmerized by the blood, it felt warm, inviting. I picked up a piece of glass and made the cut deeper and made another cut next to it...
For the first time in so many years I felt a release from my hatred, shame and guilt . All the pain went away. Just for a little while I knew what it felt like to feel good.
I let the cut bleed. I cut more. I finally had a release. I can't say the other kids left me alone after that..they didnt. You know looking back on that something comes to mind. I never defended myself. I would let anyone do anything to me and I wouldn't try to stop them. I had learned over the years that I couldn't think for myself. I didn't know what emotions were. If An adult told me to do something I would blindly do it. If I had to make a decision on my own I COULDN'T. I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO. It had been so ingrainned in me from a young age that I simply was not aloud to make up my own mind. That was one of the things I was never aloud to develop...decision making.
That has affected every area of my personality, coping skills,  learning, the way I view things..(mostly in black and white)
The way I learn new things, its added to my low self esteem, lack of confidence, my in-ability to handle new situations, authority figures, etc.
I am a deer in headlights when I am being yelled at. I still blame myself for alot of what I did. I only dared to tell one time. The one time it was to a teacher I thought would help me. He called Satan(stepfather) and told him he needed to have a talk with me about the lies I was spreading about him. When I got home Satan broke my arm. He told me next time he would kill me. I didn't doubt him.
Have you ever been so devestated by something that you completly, 100 percent give up?
The day they got home from the wedding, mother called me into her room to see the ring(didn't know till then they were getting married) In front of her he told me "Bitch, I can do ANYTHING I want to you and you cant do anything about it now..Your mother has given me permison.Tell all you want..she said it was ok". She was just laying on the bed smiling at me...Anything that had been there...of me..died. I saw no other way out of it...I gave up..stepfather saw this and smiled. He could play russian roullette with his gun in my mouth all he wanted now, I wouldnt fight him. He could drag me by my hair all over the house, he could have me do sexual favors for him and his friends, it didn't matter. I had died. Because I knew there was no chance of getting away...I was the perfect empty shell. Again, I stopped talking. Last time it was for about a year, this time about a year and half...
I let them do things to me that they wouldnt do before...now they used me like the whoring slut piece of garbage I was. I prayed again to that God that never listened to me..kill me...let me die...Nothing but silence.
I had to endure several more years of child pornography...it sickens me to have those memories in my head, I usually, if able to sleep, wake either screaming or crying. Or Im so gripped by fear I can barely breath...and they, family , wonder why I cut, burn, starve myself, hate me so bad...Oh yeah...Its for attention. So people will feel sorry for me..And Im a lying, twisted, whore that makes shit up in my mind that is only real to me. Yeah, much love family.
Adalaine Skyye