Waiting for War

kassie

we're two days away from level six. there's this odd phenomenon i feel when confronted with something inevitable i wish would go away. i avoid the truth behind it. i first realized this fatal flaw in myself at a young age. when i was not developing abilities the way that other alasian children were. at the time i could sense my mother's tension and out of a desire to ease her mind i tried harder to be what the other kids were. i tried to be exceptional. even if it wasn't the case i had to pretend i was capable of achieving my mother's expectations of me. it only struck me my senior year i would definitely never have the powers my mom so longed for. it was unfair. it sent me into a spiral of wishing and praying everything was wrong. that i too could achieve what my mother needed of me.

i ran away from the truth. ran from the ever impending thought that my mothers expectations of me were impossible to reach. it was cold when faced with this prospect. my whole life devoid of that thing the rest of alasians call love. acceptance from a parent. a sense of familiarity. a desire to care for one's children beyond their ability to care for themselves. deep into the night i tell myself she loves me in her own way. that she pushes me so hard because she cares. and late at night. late when i'm supposed to be asleep i can persuade myself it's true. am i lying to myself? i don't want to know the answer.

avoidance is my poison of choice.

but level six is coming and with that an array of issues i will have to combat. a series of thoughts i wished never to touch. a piece of darkness that lingered in the shadows all of my life. a place that i ignored and chose to forget because it made me live at ease. comfort. even if it wasn't happiness. i was content with striving after my mothers impossible standards.

i would continue to do that. i could continue to do that. but then i see his eyes. terrence's eyes lingering on mine as the life poured out of him. the look of betrayal. the eyes that begged me to save him. i knew it well. he wasn't looking at anyone else to spare him. it was me he thought could save him in the end.

and i let him die.

avoidance never lasts when confronted with the truth.