Waiting for War

Ken

School has never been this demanding. I have had so many training sessions that my body feels like it's being hit by a train every night. No matter how much I sleep it's not enough. My powers are diminishing. The bags under my eyes are worse than ever, and the searing pain won't stop. I step into the shower, hot water pelting my skin, echoes of it surrounding the entire space. I wish I could disappear in this shower and never come back. Maybe life would be easier if I was never born. Maybe if I wasn't born a killer, maybe if the government didn't kill my parents. I hate myself, and I hate what this place made me. I'm nothing better than a soldier waiting for slaughter. And I'm not even worthy as a soldier anymore. I'm useless.

"Ken, you've been in there for like an hour, you good?" It's Luke outside of the bathroom door.

"What are you my mom?" I know I should be honest with him, but I've always been on my own. It's not like I can stop now.

"If it'll make you get out of the shower I am! I need to go, dude," he sounds exasperated.

I sigh.

"I'll be out in five," it takes ten. It's like every time I try to go faster I get slower. It's like my body is moving through mud, sinking in quicksand, like weights are clinging to the bottom of my feet.

He doesn't pry though, he just gets into the bathroom and closes the door. I lay down on my bed and look at the wall. I should be studying but I don't have the energy. All I want to do is sleep, and that is the only thing I can't seem to do. Sleep.

I guess that's when it started. The pain. It's like an iron is searing the inside of my skull. I can't breathe because everything in my soul is collapsing in on itself. Maybe this will be it, I tell myself. Maybe I'll be done feeling this soon. I don't really register my surroundings, my eye sight is blurring from the pain, and there's crackling thorns curling up my spine. Pins and needles down my legs. I curl into a ball. I don't want to give it away. I don't want Luke to rush out of the bathroom to save me. I just want to die.

And then her face collapses into my mind. She washes in like the tide, golden blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, and her soft and delicate touch.

I crunch further into my ball and open my eyes, if closing my eyes only means I see her, then it can't be worth doing.