Waiting for War

Ken

"ken, ken, you have to get up," it's luke. i hear him in the distance. somewhere outside of the hell in my mind. something terrible happened to terrence. luke told me. luke told me what happened to terrence.

i don't cry. i don't have the capacity for it. i walked katie to her death without knowing. i have just as much blood on my hands as luke. and i know he feels it too. katie said they were cowards and i know she didn't mean just them. i'm no better.

i've been pulling wool over my eyes for as long as i can remember. begging with gate to tell me things were different. begging my brain to believe that this government was doing the right thing. but now i know. the government that i so wanted to be a part of killed my parents. killed my friend. and is killing the love of my soul.

"ken," the fever won't break. nothing that luke makes works. i consider it my just reward for giving away a life. i let her run out of that room. i left her to the wolves. i'm the one that's to blame for this. if they didn't trap katie terrence wouldn't have been in that room. and if terrence wasn't in that room, then he wouldn't have died. if terrence wouldn't have died i would have never known what real death felt like.

my parents died before i can remember.

terrence died right under my nose.

he will never laugh again. or tell me i'm getting it all wrong again. he was right all along and i pushed him away. i pushed all of them away. i decided i know better.

"get up! you can't do anything for him balled up in bed!" the screech isn't luke's, it's kally. i don't turn around.

"how are we going to avenge him if you won't even get out of bed. i mean when is the last time you ate or even took your meds? i mean what about the shower," she pulls the blankets back. i look at the wall.

"ken, he's not coming back!" anger and heat fill the room like a coffin. it closes me in on all sides.

"how will we avenge him if our best warrior is rotting away his life?" i can feel the heat of her near me. smell the perfume that used to calm me. my best friends.

"kally it won't work. nothing has got him out of bed all summer. the most i've been able to do is get him to eat some and drink water. there's nothing else we can do," luke sounds resigned.

"so thats it? you're going to let one of our best chances to kill the government die? let him waste away all of his strength and smarts. you'll let all of that waste away?" her voice is loud and colder than my insides.

"that's not our decision to make!" luke's voice is loud. almost angry. i move my head to see him. his fists are clenched.