Waiting for War

Ken

Food tastes like cardboard and my feet feel like lead. It doesn't matter what the others tell me, there's no helping me. I might have been dying before, but I'm dying worse now.

"Ken," Kally is trying to talk to me as I shove food in my mouth. I empty my plate into the trash can and make my way back to the room, ignoring her.

"Ken," it's Luke now, trailing behind me in the hall. I don't care.

I close the door and lock it behind me. I need to pack, I hope this is the last year I have to live. My head aches are worse than ever, my body shakes from the pain, and because I haven't been eating enough I'm losing muscle mass. I hate my life. I don't want to be alive. And I'd rather waste away then try and delay the inevitable.

"Ken, the shuttle will be here in an hour. The arena has been moved farther from the house. We should jump on and make it to the university early. They have a commencement ceremony both teams will be present at," Luke sounds like a broken record. And I don't respond. They've always known me as brooding, I need to fake like I'm okay or they won't get off my case, but I don't have the energy to fake anything. I just want to die.

The hour in bed passes like sand through a time turner. My eyes fixed on the wall in front of me. I wish I cold be a part of the wall. Disappear into it, or my bed. Or the floor. Somewhere I don't have to exist with the guilt I can't help but feel. There's a knock at my door again.

"Alright buddy we need to head," they're outside in the hallway waiting for me. I shove my hood over my head, spray my cologne, grab my bag and open the door to the next torturous year of my life.

My entire existence was to be a member of the guard but now I know that can't be. I can't be a part of the killers. I don't know how much of the government is killing off alasians, but however much it is doesn't matter. I don't want to be around any of it. My head is cold. My heart is starving. And my feet are lead as I find the door to the space I've lived in for so long. I hope this is the last year I'm alive.