Everything I Wanted // Billie Eilish

My First Love

To my very first love Ava, I'm sorry...

I'm so sorry it had to be this way my love... I never wanted to leave you this way. But I have to. I can't bare to feel like this any longer, all I ever wanted was what you gave me, but it was so simply taken all away. I don't want you to feel bad or ever think this is your fault, it's not. The negative feeling inside me was far too strong for me to even recognize the positive. You were the reason I tried, but after realizing you might not love me as much as you say... it made me realize I needed to give in. This was long overdue, I don't want to drag you down with me, you don't deserve it, you deserve way better then me. I wish I could've given you more... you do deserve the world, you don't deserve this though. I forgive you for everything, but I'll never forgive myself for leaving you like this. I don't want you to cry, I don't want you to miss me, I don't want you to feel bad. I love you so much, and I don't want to see you unhappy just because I'm not there. I want you to feel like you could be happier without me. I have caused so much stress in peoples lives to the point where its better off I wasn't here anymore. Even though I'm not physically with you, I will always be with you in every sunset, every starry sky, every special moment, I will be there. I will forever love you, and I'm so sorry it has to be like this, but I can't fight this feeling any longer. I was never strong... but I'm hoping you will be.
Forgive me.

Billie

I read the letter over multiple times, wishing that the words I was reading weren't true. I was still praying that all of this was just a bad dream. A very very very awful bad dream, no, a nightmare. I lost hope every second she wasn't sitting beside me when I eventually woke up.

I eventually folded the paper back up and set it on my lap. I brought my hands to my face and let tears stream down them. There was nothing I could do. This feeling of emptiness without her would never go away. It says in the letter that she doesn't want me to miss her, but how the hell was I supposed to do that?! I was in love with her, but I fucked it all up.

I couldn't believe myself, how could I just let such a thing happen? Finneas doesn't even know how what pushed her to do this to herself. I was the one who made that mistake with that girl, and it pushed Billie into doing this. This was all my fault.

I sobbed into my hands the entire car ride. There were moments when Finneas had to pull over to help me breath properly again. It took awhile, but we did eventually make it back to her house. Except I wasn't sure if I'd be able to go inside, even though I knew Finneas would need support telling Maggie and Patrick what happened.

I was very hesitant to walk inside but I eventually did. I walked in and instantly felt my heart ache. Memories and images flooded my brain of her being here, it was awful being in her house and her not be there with me. Every time I looked over at something or someone, it reminded me of a specific memory with Billie. Even just standing in the kitchen, I pictured her standing there with me.

I looked over at Maggie who was standing in the kitchen wiping off a counter. "Hey guys- what's wrong..?" She must of noticed the redness in both of our eyes. Both of us immediately broke, tears streaming down our faces. Maggie dropped what she was doing and walked over to hug us. We both had one big group hug in silence, other then the sound of Maggie trying to shush us, but in a comforting way.

She then pulled away realizing something. "Where's Billie..?" I immediately broke just to the sound of her name. I felt like I couldn't stand, I felt so week from the overstimulation of emotions. All of this was too overwhelming and my brain and body could hardly handle it. Without even being able to cry anymore I felt like I was getting light headed, right before my vision blurred and everything went black.

-

"Ava! Ava?" I heard someone shouting at me while shaking me lightly. My eyes slowly fluttered open and I quickly sat up before quickly falling back down while holding my head. "Woah woah, slow down." Finneas said to me while passing me some water. I gripped my head and groaned. "What the hell happened..?"