Everything I Wanted // Billie Eilish

It wasn't a dream

Every song I performed lifted me up. This is the happiest I would ever feel. Although when I performed songs like 'I love you,' I did cry a little bit, but that song just does that to you, especially the meaning behind it and the way it makes me feel. It honestly made me so happy to see the crowd cheer every time a song ended and a new one began. It also made me so happy to see Ava up above cheering me on. It made me feel so warm inside when I saw her lift up the light on her phone during a couple songs.

I don't know what I'd do without her. I wonder what she would do without me. It scared me to think of possibly losing her. The chances of her losing me were higher though, because of how unfortunately famous I was. I could get shot dead anytime of day. I'm surprised I haven't yet. I'm surprised that dream I once had hasn't come back to haunt me. Why hasn't it come true yet? If I were to dream something so awful, why hasn't it happened in real life?

As the music from the previous song began to fade out, I walked up the stage and sat down on a stool in the middle. My thoughts had started to cloud my mind a little as the crowd chanted my name. I looked over the crowd and saw many signs being held up. Signs that said things like, "I love you," "We're here for you," "We're here to stay," "we need you." As I read most of them, I felt this ache grow in my chest. It made me feel lovesick about how much they loved me. I loved them all so much and it made me feel weak when I hear how much they really love me.

Why would they? What was so special about me that made them care for me so Much? I felt myself tear up as I brought my hand up to my face, attempting to cover it. Things have been so rough, I've been so miserable, and so sad. I met Ava and at first I was worried sick I was gonna hurt her, but then we fell in love and I wish I would never ever lose her or leave her. She made me feel like maybe I was something, something more then what my fans think.

I raised my head scanning over the crowd. I had let myself crumble and tears had flowed down my face. As soon as the crowd saw me they all began screaming and shouting. I've been feeling so broken and so done with life, I forgot what it had felt like to be in a moment like this. I haven't done shows in a little while, so this feeling I got from the crowd was a little overwhelming. I had nothing but love for them and they were the same. I wished I could hug every single person out there.

I sniffled and rubbed my eyes. I brought the Mic to my mouth and did my best to speak, but nothing came out but a small voice crack. The crowd shouted again, but this time I looked up to Ava as I saw her shouting "I love you!" As loud as she could. Tears streamed down my face more as I tried my best to pull myself together. I sniffled again while clearing my throat. I tried speaking in the Mic again and this time I did.

"I'm so sorry guys... I don't know what just came over me. I love you all so much! Like you have no idea for real..." I looked over to my brother who was giving me a sympathetic look, her then smiled at me making me feel better. I knew I had to do the next song, the next song was the last song we were doing until the show was over. I tried my best to clear my mind and my throat before I spoke again.

"Okay, so for this next song, I know you've all probably heard me say this before, but this song is very special to me, and I want you all to be there for it. I need everyone to just be present and in the moment, because we spend too much of our lives not paying attention to whats actually happening right now, until its gone. You only live life once and its best to embrace it. So, I want everyone to be in this moment cause we will never all be here like this again. Everyone put your lights up and do your best to sing along, OKAY?"

I looked up at Ava who was cheering wildly with the crowd. I felt a small smile crack to my lips at the sight of her. I tried my best to push all other thoughts to the back of my mind, and that dream aside, as the music played through the speakers.

Don't you know I'm no good for you?
I've learned to lose you can't afford to.

The crowd went wild as they heard my voice come through. It made my heart feel warm as they all sang along with me while waving their lights back and forth.

Tore my shirt to stop you bleedin'
But nothing ever stops you leavin'

I closed my eyes as I did my best to feel every single word that was coming from the song. The gentle piano, the crowd singing, everything felt perfect.

Quiet when I'm coming home, I'm on my own.
I could lie say I like it like that, like it like that.

I wish I could never leave moments like these. I wish life could just be like one big concert. No hate. Just love. Just me, my family, Ava, and the fans. Thats all I needed. Thats all I wanted. I didn't want the hate, there was no need for it. All I needed was the love I had for them, and the love they had for me.

Don't you know too much already?
I'll only hurt you if you let me.
Call me friend but keep me closer - CALL ME BACK
And I'll call you when the party's over.

Everything felt like a dream. I opened my eyes and looked over the crowd. Everyone was with me, they were all in the moment. Some were hugging others, some were crying, some were just watching me, and some were singing, but everyone was here.

But nothing is better sometimes,
Once we've both said our goodbyes,
Let's just let it go,
Let me let you go.

I felt myself tear up a little at that last part but I held it in. I watched every person in the crowd, it felt almost impossible to feel this much love in one room, sure it was a big room, but it was all so much.

Quiet when I'm coming home, I'm on my own...

Something all of a sudden felt off. The crowd had stopped singing and their singing was replaced with a few yelps and shrieks. I kept singing still very confused, until it all came to me. I stared into the crowd and saw someone standing with a crimson red sweater, it was hard to see them since it was so dark, but they were there. My heart sank and I stopped singing as I stared at the glock pointing directly at me. Why was nobody stopping them? My thoughts were gone as soon as the loud bang rang through the stadium walls.

I fell back and hit the stage ground. All I could hear was the ringing in my ears and muffled screaming. I heard a loud "Billie!" Which sounded like Ava's voice. I didn't know where I had been shot, but I could feel the blood pooling around me. My vision was blurry but I could see Finneas running towards me quickly getting close to my face trying to keep me awake. My vision fully blurred and I felt light headed. My eyes closed, my hearing was gone and my mind was blank.

I could lie say I like it like that, like it like that.
I could lie say I like it like that, like it like that...

Then everything went black.
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A/N
I don't have many words... Sorry but your gonna have to wait till next part... struggling with depression, so it's hard for me to write, but be patient with me❤ I love you <3

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