Everything I Wanted // Billie Eilish

You don't understand

I sat infront of the piano still as I heard the front door open and close. I watched the bedroom door open and Finneas had walked in. "What's up bils?" He said as he plopped down on the bed beside me. I didn't answer him right away since I was distracted and had headphones on. I put my hand up and smiled, telling him to give me a second.

I took the headset off and looked to him. "Sorry, hi!" I smiled at him. "So what have you been working on?" He looked at the computer screen beside me 2hich had random sound waves layed out on the screen. "I started playing piano earlier and came up with this melody. It took awhile to make it perfect but I really like it." I turned the chair and started playing the chords as he watched me. Once I finished I turned to him, waiting for his response.

"Wow.. Billie that's actually really good!" I smiled at him and said thank you in my baby voice. I sat up from the chair to let him sit in it and take over. He looked at the screen and listened to my progress. After a few minutes he turned around and looked at me. "Do you have any melodies or lyrics yet?" I looked down at my notebook and hesitated for a moment. Once I told him my lyrics he would know what I've been feeling lately. I would have to open up to him.

"Um.. Yea I do.." my hands felt shaky as I opened the book and flipped through a few pages. I had already written an entire verse and to be honest, it was exactly how I felt. I did start writing the second verse but I stopped when i heard him come in. I didn't write the chorus yet though. I found the right page and read over it before hesitantly handing it to him. I chewed on my nail as I watched him read it over.

Verse 1
I had a dream
I got everything I wanted
Not what you think
And if I'm being honest it might've been a nightmare
To anyone who might care
Thought I could fly
So I stepped off the golden..
Nobody cried
Nobody even noticed I saw them standing right there
Kinda hought they might care

Verse 2
I tried to scream
But my head was under water
They called me weak
Like im not just somebody's daughter
It could've been a nightmare
To anyone who might care
And it feels like yesturday was a year ago
But I don't want to let anybody know
Cause everybody wants something from me now
And I don't want to let them down.

I only had the verses written down because I just couldn't figure out what to do for the chorus. The verses made me feel good though because it's just how I felt. Finneas looked up at me with his eyebrows furrowed. "Um, Billie.. I.."

"What? What is it?" He looked back down and shook his head. He handed me the book back and sighed. "I dont think we should write this song..." I gave him a confused look. "Why not? I thought you liked it."

"Its not that I dont like it.. I just dont think this is something we should let people know about. I didn't even know you had this going on with you." He looked back down and I felt a bit of frustration grow in me. "But I think we should write this song. This song is exactly how I feel! It's not fair that we can't write it just because it's a bit personal. I-" he cut me off.

"Billie I'm sorry but this song is too much! I know these feelings might be true, but telling the world that you wanted to kill yourself and how nobody cares if you did die, isn't something you should be saying for he world to hear!"

I felt anger starting to build up I me. I cant beleive he was actually saying this! I thought maybe he would understand. Like where was all of this when we wrote listen before I go? This was so sudden and not fair at all. "This is just me trying to express myself! I need some way of getting this out so more people understand! I have people everyday wishing I was dead and threatening me. They don't see that their literally getting in my head and making me have horrible thoughts everyday!"

"I'm sorry Billie but we can't..." tears began to form in my eyes as I stood up. I opened the door and began to walk out but stopped. "I thought you would understand.." I mumbled under my breath before going to my room and slamming it shut. I threw the notebook on my bed and collapsed onto my bed as well, sobbing into my pillow. I really thought he would understand, this is exactly why I couldn't talk to anyone.

My chest ached as streams of tears fell down my face. I needed Ava. I needed to see her. I needed her to hold me. I sat up and pulled my phone out of my pocket. I quickly went to her name on Instagram and began trying to text her.

Ava💕

B:
Ava?
I really need you
I need you here please.
Ava?

I put the phone down and cried some more. She wasn't answering me. I felt a bit of panic rush through me. I needed her so badly right now. I heard Finneas knock on the door but I ignored him. I guess he took the hint because I heard the front door open and his car pull out of the driveway. I cried for awhile after before falling asleep.

9:37pm

I woke up and rubbed my eyes. They felt sore and tired. I slept for hours since the crying made me feel so exhausted. I picked up my phone and squinted at the brightness. I went to mine and Ava's messages and didn't see any response. Questions started to flood my brain. Why was she not reading my messages? Why was she not back yet? Did something happen to her? I was curious so i went to check her location, but it was off. I started to get frustrated since I wasn't getting any answers. I went to her profile to see if she had posted anything. She didn't, but she was tagged by someone multiple times.

I looked through the tagged photos and could see she was at some.. party? I looked through the pictures and saw multiple photos of her taking shots or dancing with random people which I was assuming were her friends. I thought she was just hanging out with a friend, but instead she was partying at a full on rager. I looked through some more and noticed this one girl who seemed to be in every photo. Some of them they looked a little too close..

I felt a bit of jeoulsy build inside me. I really hope this girl wasn't anyone important. That hope was gone as soon as I saw the next photo. My heart sank and tears instantly flooded my eyes. This wasn't real.. there was no way it was. It's like that promise we made meant nothing. I threw my phone across the room and stared up at the ceiling, crying.

The image of Ava kissing that girl still glued in my brain.
.
.
Hmm.

1260 words