Everything I Wanted // Billie Eilish

I can't do this anymore

I can't do this anymore...

I quickly pulled into my driveway turning off the car and making my way inside. I went straight down the hallway to my bedroom, slamming the door behind me. My breathing grew fast and heavy as I paced around my room. I dug my hands through my hair, pulling at my roots. What the fuck is wrong with me? How could I do this to her? I knew I should have never fallen for her. I knew I was just gonna hurt her, and over such a stupid reason. All because I let those stupid haters get to my head.

If they knew what they said would go straight to my head, what would they say instead?

I paced around my room some more stressing myself out even more, making MORE tears fall down my face. I leaned my elbows on my dresser before slamming my hand down. I looked around the room and grabbed a random nick nack, whipping it across my room. I watched as it hit one of my shelves, knocking numerous things down. 

I kept replaying the things that were said over and over again in my head and the way I treated Ava. I got more angry with myself and threw a bunch of things off my nightstand, some shattering on the floor. I sat down on my bed for a moment trying to calm myself down. I grabbed my phone and tried to see if Ava texted me. We messaged each other on instagram, so that's what I opened. I immediatly regretted my actions when all the posts on my fyp were of me from earlier. I looked at the message icon seeing thousands of messages appear. I thought some of them could be from Ava, but not a single one was from her.

I tried to fight the urge to look through them, but I couldn't stop myself. All of these messages that blew up on my phone were all threats and hate from the people earlier. I read the first one.

You are the worst person to ever exist, I hope you die.

I felt more tears poor out of my eyes. I clicked a different one.

You're so pathetic, you just pretending to be depressed for attention.

I felt my heart sink and that familiar numbness come to my mind.

You don't deserve to live, I feel bad for your family. Die.

I squeezed the sheets underneath me and threw my phone across the room. It hit the long mirror I had on my wall, shattering it to pieces. I watched as the glass fell all over the floor. Tears streamed down my face for what was just said and what I just done. I felt anger bubble up inside me and I stood up and punched the wall.

I felt a shock of pain shoot up my arm as I whimpered in pain. My eyes were blurry so I couldn't see right away, but I felt something drip down my arm. I looked at my hand and observed my knuckles, which had blood dripping down them. I let out a loud sob as I fell on my knees to the floor.

I had a thought in my mind that I couldn't push away. I wanted to hurt myself. I felt like I deserved it like the way people were saying I did. It was the only cure for this emotional pain, replace it with physical pain. I crawled over to the bathroom, not bothering to close the door. 

I went to my cupboard and reached to the back where I last hid my knife. I picked it up, turning it in my hand. I felt more tears blur my eyes as I pressed the blade against my skin. I slid it quickly across leaving a deep cut into my wrist. Blood immediatly started to drip out of my arm, making me cry harder. I brought the knife to my skin again doing the same thing, feeling that shocking stinging pain shoot through my arm. 

I dropped the knife and sobbed into my knees. My eyes were sore and blurry, but I could still see the blood dripping down my arm and onto the floor. I looked ahead of me and peeked into my room. I saw something that caught my eye from my closet. Everything from my mind cleared and my crying stopped. I stared at the object sticking out of my closet. I looked down for a moment before looking back up confirming my decision.  I felt numb, but I just stared at the rope hanging from my closet.

Maybe there was a way out...

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A/N

I'm sorry...

770 words