Everything I Wanted // Billie Eilish

I don't want to

I quickly sat up from my bed breathing heavily and covered in sweat. I looked around my room examining everything around me. I slowed my breathing, exhaling in relief. 

It was a dream... 

I placed my arms to my sides looking for my phone to check the time. I placed my left arm uncomftorably, and winced at the shocking pain that surged up my arm. For a moment I had forgotten about what went down last night. 

I found my phone underneath the covers and looked at the time. It was 1:07pm. I slept in pretty late, but I guess I kind of needed it. I also saw a text message from Claudia. I tapped the screen opening the message and reading it.

Claudia 

Hey bils! Me and Finneas are going out to a party one of our friends is throwing. We want you to come. There's someone we really want you to meet, and I think you'll make great friends :)

I wasn't sure if a party was the right thing for me right now. I feel like I would just make everyone around me feel miserable, as if my miserableness was contagious. I glanced around my messy room that I haven't cleaned in days. I ran my Fingers through my tangled green hair and sighed.

Would it be a good idea to get out of the house? I feel like I could use some time around good people. It would take my mind off the bad things for a little while. It's also good to make good memories while I can. But who was this person Claudia wanted me to meet? 

My mind began to go into a dark place thinking of the fact that the more people I met and knew, the more people I would break when I eventually died. If I died how many people would actually care though? 

I shook my head to get those thoughts away before rereading the message. Maybe it would be good for me to go, I guess I could leave whenever too, right? I started tapping my fingers against my phone texting her back.

Billie

Sure.. I guess I'll go. It would be nice to get put of the house anyway. :)

I clicked off the message and stared down at my phone. I saw a notification from instagram pop up and I hesitated to click it. I'm don't want to see the things I saw last night again. Of course I knew there would be more of it, but I can't stand seeing those things. It would just break my heart more, and I can't handle that.

I sighed and tossed my phone down onto my bed. I looked around one more time before standing up and walking towards the bathroom. I wasn't going anywhere before taking a shower, nevermind meeting new people. I grabbed a towel from the closet and placed it on the counter. I closed the door behind me and turned on the water.

I slowly took my clothes off and threw them onto the floor. Before I stepped into the shower, I looked at the bandages on my arms. I couldn't shower with them on, they would just get wet and soggy. I started to peel the bandages off while my eyebrows furrowed together at the pain of it coming off. I can't do it this slowly, it's just making hurt more. I closed my eyes and quickly ripped it off making me gasp. I stared down at the now uncovered wounds and felt that familiar ache grow in my chest. I shook my head and quickly pushed those feelings down before I got underneath the warm water.

15 mins later

I walked out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around me. I gotta admit I did feel better after that shower, my hair was now clean and my face felt more fresh. I walked over to my closet and picked out a few clothes before putting them on. I put on a baggy black hoodie with blue shorts. 

I grabbed the towel and rubbed it around my head trying to dry my hair the best I could. I then ran my brush through it making sure there were no tangles. I looked in the mirror one more time and sighed before walking out of my room to the kitchen.