serendipity | completed

chapter 19

taehyung and i's relationship started to move much faster. now that he was my fiancé i felt comfortable taking him with me to my appointments. i found that him just being there made everything so much more easier to take.

i knew my time was winding down; i'd gone through all the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. but now i had finally reached the stage of acceptance.

i wanted to do as many things as possible. that meant things like trying new foods, visiting new places, and even some days forcing myself to get up and write.

my plan still stood about writing dialogues and entries, and then saving them all so that liz could put together something and publish it. i wanted to leave something behind for taehyung, my fans, my family, and most importantly,

our baby.

taehyung and i had finally and successfully conceived our child and words couldn't explain how happy i was, but also how terrified i was for it's health. the obstetrician told me that i was only 4 weeks pregnant and i made sure to notify her of my cancer, and she gave me a list of dangers that can come with this: having a miscarriage, birth defects, slow fetal growth, or a higher risk of childhood cancer.

i wanted to birth a happy and healthy baby, especially so that when im gone it will be easier for taehyung. it hurts so bad that i know i won't be around long enough to watch him or her grow, to hear their first words, to see their first steps, it all hurts.

i want to give taehyung something that he can truly remember me with, and i figured this was one of my best options.

in some ways i felt selfish. i felt selfish for getting pregnant even though i know the thoughts of death still brew in my the depths of my mind. but even with that going on i can proudly say that i'm happier than i've  ever been throughout this entire trial with my sickness.

i pat the couch next to me and beam as hannie hops onto the cushion, crawling onto my lap subsequently. the space beside us sinks in and i look over at taehyung who wiggles deeper into the cushion.

i took the leap of faith and moved in with taehyung. maybe it's not much of a leap because we only lived across the hall, but it was never something i imagined doing when i first moved here.

i mainly made the decision because i see how much my happiness depended on him. anytime i was around him i found it hard to be upset, and when i was upset around him he'd force me to cheer up. this was one of the many reasons i'd fell in love with him.

our child also played a big role in this step, and each day i realize how smart of a choice i made.

"baby, i've been thinking." he says as his brown eyes shoot over to me. i nod and wait for him to continue, "i think we should at least tell your family something. they're gonna see your shaved head eventually."

i chuckle and shift uneasily. he was completely right, but i don't think i could ever muster the strength to tell them. "even if we don't say anything about your sickness, or our engagement, you're not gonna hide the news of our child, right?" his eyes are somber and hopeful.

"of course i'm not, i've already been thinking about ideas for the baby shower." i smile up at him as he gently nods.

"i am one hundred percent behind whatever you choose to do, y/n. but i saw the way eunjae helped you, i see how happy you are around them. i know hiding something this detrimental isn't easy."

"it's not, i feel an immense amount of guilt. i just have never told them because i don't want to be constantly pitied or treated differently." i explain this to him as i run a soft hand through hannie's golden fur.