Tattoos (A phan fic)

Chapter 21

(Dan's POV)

I wake up on Alice's couch, memories from last night repeating in my head. The kiss, me crying about Phil before I fell asleep...

I had a dream about Phil, just a normal one. We were in the kitchen making a cake for someone, and we were so happy, in my dream I was feeling a pure bliss I haven't felt for months.

I stretch and yawn, turning on my side to see Alexia jumping up and down. "Dan! Dan you up?"

I rub my eyes, "yeah."

"Mommy had to go, I'm hungry!"

I stand up and take her with me to the kitchen, sitting her down on the table. "Where did Mommy go? And what do you want?"

"She went out with a boy. Cereal!"

I sigh as I hear the words come out of her mouth, knowing Alice can get whoever she wants. I make Alexia a quick bowl of cereal before calling a number on the fridge, labeled as the babysitter.

Wrapping my arms around myself as I walk, I think about how Phil's doing. Damn it, I miss him. I said I didn't love him but I do, I love him so much.

I take out my phone and quit my second job- at a gay bar.

I wipe away a few tears before walking into the little shop, and throwing on my apron. I walk to the back of the store, grabbing a box of cheap kid toys to sort.

And the day goes by slowly, restocking almost full shelves and buying myself a small bag of chips- one I decide I shouldn't eat anyways. I lock up the store a few hours later than usual, because I decided to wash the floors.

I walk home, well, to Alice's house, and give Alexia the chips, trying to ignore the moans and bed creaks coming from Alice's room.

"What they doing?" Alexia asked, as I pulled her blanket up to her shoulders.

"Playing a game, nothing you should worry about, kiddo. Listen, I'm going back to my house, you tell Alice that, okay?"

She nods and I kiss her on the forehead before leaving her house, for what I hope, for some reason, is the last time I do.

I walk all the way home and stay up all night, staring at the ceiling.

Phil is at PJ's house, and they're having sex. Phil is happy. Happy without me. Alice is happy without me too. What can you do right, Dan?

Nothing, I suppose.

And for some reason, I decide to skip work. I call a taxi and go to PJ's house, with a pencil and paper in my pocket. When I reach his cheap, broken down flat, I sit outside in the freezing cold and write Phil a letter.

Phil,

Remember me? That guy who fell in love with you the day he met you? The guy who carried you to your door on our first date because you didn't want to ruin your new shoes in the rain? The guy who's been loyal through out our relationship, and forgave you for cheating, twice? The guy who's heart you've broken, time and time again?

Well, Phil, I'd hope you do. Although I said I hated you, its quite the opposite. I'm so in love with you, every memory of ours replays in my mind each day, making me miss you more and more. I know you're happy with PJ, and I'm trying to look at the light of this situation, but it's tough.

Please remember we've been made to be together, Phil. With our little matching kitten tattoos... You and I, not you and PJ or Chris. It's supposed to work out in the end, but only if you try. I'm sorry for everything I've said, Phil. And I know you won't want to be with me for a while, so I wrote this letter to say goodbye.

Bye, Phil.

Love, Dan

As I finish writing the letter, my tears start to fall onto the paper, making small wet dots. I fold it up and stuff it in the space between his door and the wall, and walk home.

My stomach growls and aches, though I quickly forget about it as a small folded up piece of paper floats to the ground when I open the door. I grab it and walk up the stairs, sitting on the couch as I read it.

It's a letter from the management. Our rent is overdue, we have one week until they kick us out. One week.

One week until our home is just another apartment to someone. This place we've made our own, will be gone. A week to say goodbye to all our memories- ones of us cooking, filming, dancing, and holding each other. Just being together and happy. It'll be just another apartment. I can't pay the rent, I'm not getting a pay check until a month from now- and even then it still wont be able to pay it off. I sure hope Phil has a job, unless he's moving in with Peej.

I scream and rip the paper apart as a sudden wave of anger overtakes me. I stomp on the ground and throw a fit, yelling to myself about how I'm too shitty for Phil, and how he finally realized it. I repeat over and over that Phil deserves better, but no matter how many times I say it, I can't convince myself.

I shed my clothes and walk to my room, resisting the urge to go into Phil's instead. I fall on my bed and look out the window, down at the dark concrete. Will someone ever find me there? Cold and lifeless, all because of one man who I used to call mine? Only time will tell. Tears surface to my eyes and I rub them away, forcing myself to sleep.

~~~

When I wake, my eyes are red and puffy. I open a drawer to grab some eye drops, but while I search for them, my hand finds something else. Something that brings tears to my eyes. Something small and metal, and filled with love and meaning.

The engagement ring I never gave to Phil.