The Justice Wolf

Longing

Enzo -Royal Crest

I feel like my life is over.  Every little thing I had to live for hangs in the balance right now. 

My father's been in my office everyday fussing over me and telling me to be strong.  My mother is depressed and he too has been dealing with his emotions. 

I apologise time and time again for causing his distress but I can't help my mother unfortunately. 

I'm so lost without her I don't even know what day it is. It feels like she's been gone for a year when in reality it's probably only a week.

Lucas and Theo have both propped me up again.  I seem to be letting them down more than anyone as they find me on my office couch drunk in to a stupor for the 4th day on the trot.

I can't sleep so there's no point in going to bed.  I've smothered her scent in our private spaces there's not much of it left so I can't bare to snuff out what little remains. 

I continue my pathetic routine until I'm nearly passing out from exhaustion. The pain in my heart near constant. I down the last drops of liquid from the bottle and feel dizzy like I'm about to pass out on my desk.

Im disappointed when I wake up in the very same position the next morning. In my dream i was holding Sophia on my chest and I felt whole for a short time.

It feels like an eternity now since she left.  I haven't heard her voice for at least a couple of weeks, what I'd give to hear her right now. 

Reme has been dormant.  I expect my sorrowful arse is enough for anyone to not want to be around me. 

I feel weak as I stand from the mess I've made all over my desk.  I feel ill again for the first time in years.  Lucas rushes at me before I hit the ground on this one occasion.  "Alpha" please get some sleep you don't look well. A couple of hours here and there isn't enough especially after a bottle of whisky each night!".  "It's worrying me Enzo".  "If not for me then do it for Sophia" "she will be pissed seeing you like this". "I can't sleep Lucas I've tried believe me.  "I'm so tired I could fall asleep standing but as soon as my head hits the pillow it doesn't happen". 

He pushes me out the door to shower. I can't remember when I last dragged my sorry arse to get clean. I'm falling apart. There isn't an inch of me that doesn't long for her. I can't summon any type of emotion I'm completely numb without her.

I climb under the rainfall and sit on the floor letting the water cleanse my skin. Before I know it I've once again scrubbed myself raw. The only relief I feel at this time is the associated pain that comes with it. I don't feel dirty this time I just want to hurt like I know she is.

It's not long before my father is knocking on my bathroom door. He always seems to know when I'm physically hurt. I get out and wrap a towel around myself before walking to the closet. He doesn't say anything about the marks covering my skin so I dress as quickly as possible avoiding my Angels side of the walk in. I can't even look at her belongings now without getting shooting pains in my chest from the bond.

My father takes me for a drive toward the cabin. He thought that I might feel some peace being here but after a couple of hours I ask him to take me back to the pack house. It's too painful having her fresh scent covering me again and I feel the need to drown my sorrows in another bottle of whisky.

Lucas finds me in the same position as always a few days later. I'm slumped over my desk almost incapacitated by the bottles of liquor in front of me but I can't sleep. I just stare at the empty wall in desperation.

It's nearly been a month without her now. Im failing miserably with everything and I must look like death warmed up but I can't get my sorry arse to do anything other than sit and mope.