Colorful Flowers

✿》36 - Halloween《✿

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Today is Halloween, the only good thing about Halloween is that you get lots of candy. I will send most of it to the Covey. There is a candy store near where Feebee is. I have never been there, but I bet the candy isn't as good as here. I got my cast off almost a week ago and they said everything looks good and that I don't need a brace at all which is good. They also looked at the scar on my stomach and they said it looked good. Aunt Tigris should be here soon with my costume. I'm not sure what we are going to be doing tonight for Halloween, but I bet Coriolanus is going to make me go around with my friends in the Capitol. I'd rather just go around with just Lucy Gray. I walks out of my room in a pair of pants a striped and polka dot long sleeve shirt, white socks and brown buckle shoes. I haven't gone outside in a while so I have wearing my inside clothes a lot. I walk around the penthouse looking for Lucy Gray she is usually in the parlor or in her and Coriolanus' room. I walk into the parlor and I see her sitting down with her guitar. I sit down next to her listening to her strum on her guitar. I wish I could see the Covey perform again. She keeps strumming on the guitar and I listen to it silently. I smile hearing her humming along with the music. I'm starting to listen and I know what song it is Hold Back the River by James Bay. I haven't sang anything since when I was kidnapped. I was scared it would take me back there, but I think that singing now is ok. I want to sing with Lucy Gray. I miss singing with her. I miss harmonizing with the rest of the Covey in the house or by the lake or while walking to the lake. I miss everything still. I wish the homesickness would go away and I could just be ok with living in the Capitol. I start to sing the song Lucy Gray is playin on her guitar

Tried to keep you close to me
But life got in between
Tried to square not being there
But think that I should have been

Hold back the river, let me look in your eyes
Hold back the river, so I
Can stop for a minute and see where you hide
Hold back the river, hold back

Once upon a different life
We rode our bikes into the sky
But now we crawl against the tide
Those distant days are flashing by

Sometimes in the Covey we use songs to communicate feelings. Some songs I can understand the meaning of them and sometimes I can't. I'm pretty sure this is about us distancing. I know it's hurting her and I'm not telling her anything about my feelings and I know it is hurting her not to know what makes me so upset all the time and what is causing me more meltdowns. She wants to know what happened in that building but I don't want to tell her. I wish I could never speak again and everything would be ok. I know I am going to tell her eventually I just don't know when. I continue to sing the next verses of the song

Hold back the river, let me look in your eyes
Hold back the river, so I
Can stop for a minute and be by your side
Hold back the river, hold back

Hold back the river, let me look in your eyes
Hold back the river, so I
Can stop for a minute and see where you hide
Hold back the river, hold back

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

Lonely water, lonely water, won't you let us wander?
Let us hold each other
Lonely water, lonely water, won't you let us wander?
Let us hold each other

Yeah this is definitely about me not talking to her about anything. She wants to be able to take the hurt away and to help me. She doesn't like it when I hold everything in. I did it once and I exploded and it wasn't good. I got burnt out for weeks, all I did was read in my cot because I was too tired to do anything else but read. They had to bring food and water up to me. She doesn't want me to be like that again. I don't want to be like that again also, but every time I try and tell her nothing comes out. It's like something is stopping me from telling anybody. It sucks and I hate it, but I will be able to tell someone eventually....I hope. I really do wish I could tell someone, but it is too painful and I just don't want to cry anymore about something in the past. I want to be able to get over this. Well I know it will never leave me but it will become less heavy over time. I know for it to feel less heavy I have to talk about it with someone